Advice from the love doctor
Earlier this week, I had a telephone interview with relationship coach Michelle McKinney Hammond. She answered questions you had, as well as questions on various topics we have discussed in the blog. Because the interview was so lengthy (and I don't want you to get intimidated by a super-long post), I'll post Part I today and Part II tomorrow.
Today's topics include: what is a relationship coach, how to get a date, the importance of going out, dating in the workplace and moving in together. Check back tomorrow for the rest of the interview, which includes these topics: cheaters, friends and dating, common dating mistakes, romance, television/movie relationships, as well as our expert's relationship status.
Macon Love: What exactly is a relationship coach?
Michelle McKinney Hammond: A relationship coach helps people navigate through their relationships. (People) usually tell us what they want to happen in their relationships or the problems they've been having, and based on that we're able to (diagnose) like little love doctors. That's what we are. We're the love doctors.
ML: How do you become one?
MMH: If that's your area of study, and it has been for me. I've written over 20 books on relationships, so I think that qualifies me. ... I read books, and I interviewed people.
ML: How can someone get a date or partner?
MMH: You have to first be open for love. A lot of people just say they want a love relationship, but are they really open? Probably not. Are they available? Are they making themselves available? Are they getting out and meeting people and circulating? ... You should have interests and things that really ignite you and frequent those types of places that feed your passions and your interests so that you meet people who have things in common with yourself. I think the first thing that you have to do, though, is decide what kind of relationship you want to have and have a clear-cut picture of what you're looking for because if you don't have that, you could pass up some good stuff and accept some bad stuff.
ML: What if somebody says, 'Well I am available and open and circulating?' Do you think that perhaps they're not really?
MMH: I think that you've got to get out of insisting that everybody you meet is a potential mate. I think you've got to be friendly and learn to accumulate friends. ... The best marriages are friendships that grow into love relationships. ... It might not happen with that person. Maybe that friend has a friend. But if you don't develop that relationship with that person, you may never meet the next person.
ML: We asked for questions from some of the bloggers, and one wanted to know: How important is dating, that is physically going out, in a relationship? She said she was seeing a guy who liked staying at home a lot and wanted to know if going out itself is important.
MMH: A person does what is reflective of who they are. So if he doesn't like to go out a lot, he's sending you a signal now -- that when you're married, you won't be going out a lot. If that's OK with you, that's fine. ... Economically, it's not realistic that you're going to be going out all the time, so I don't think that's important. What's important is the character of a person. How they treat you on a daily basis, how transparent and accountable they are to you. Can you account for their time? Are they faithful? That's the stuff that lasts. The dating and going out, that part fades.
ML: Another question from a blogger: What's your take on dating in the workplace?
MMH: An absolute no-no.
ML: Why do you say that?
MMH: It complicates things, and if you end up not making it, then you gotta go to work and face this person who broke your heart. It's just not a good idea. It's distracting, and it usually does not work.
ML: Do you think it can ever work?
MMH: It can, and I've seen it work. But then you're at a real place of maturity, and you've already discussed how you're gonna handle things should it not come to fruition. ... You don't date somebody immediately who you meet at work who you have all this chemistry with. It definitely is a situation where I would be a friend for a long time, so I would be much more sure of the relationship before I decide to make it a courtship.
ML: What do you think about couples moving in together?
MMH: No.
ML: Why is that?
MMH: Between 70 and 80 percent of people who live together never get married. ... Those relationships basically do not work.
ML: Why do you think that is?
MMH: If you can't ever commit, how can you commit to a commitment?
ML: How is moving in together not committing? I'm a little confused.
MMH: You're a little confused? I'm confused when people say that's different from being married. Because you decided to pay bills, and in a sense what you decided to do is give yourself an easy out. So you don't want to pay the price for getting out, but you don't want to pay the price for getting in either.
ML: What about couples who are engaged?
MMH: When you get married, you can live together. People do get left standing at the altar. An engagement does not guarantee a marriage.
So what do you think of Michelle McKinney Hammond's advice so far? Love it? Hate it? Do you agree or disagree with what she has to say. Let us know below.
Remember to come back tomorrow to read this expert's opinion on cheaters, friends and dating, common dating mistakes, romance and television/movie relationships, plus her relationship status.
Today's topics include: what is a relationship coach, how to get a date, the importance of going out, dating in the workplace and moving in together. Check back tomorrow for the rest of the interview, which includes these topics: cheaters, friends and dating, common dating mistakes, romance, television/movie relationships, as well as our expert's relationship status.
Macon Love: What exactly is a relationship coach?
Michelle McKinney Hammond: A relationship coach helps people navigate through their relationships. (People) usually tell us what they want to happen in their relationships or the problems they've been having, and based on that we're able to (diagnose) like little love doctors. That's what we are. We're the love doctors.
ML: How do you become one?
MMH: If that's your area of study, and it has been for me. I've written over 20 books on relationships, so I think that qualifies me. ... I read books, and I interviewed people.
ML: How can someone get a date or partner?
MMH: You have to first be open for love. A lot of people just say they want a love relationship, but are they really open? Probably not. Are they available? Are they making themselves available? Are they getting out and meeting people and circulating? ... You should have interests and things that really ignite you and frequent those types of places that feed your passions and your interests so that you meet people who have things in common with yourself. I think the first thing that you have to do, though, is decide what kind of relationship you want to have and have a clear-cut picture of what you're looking for because if you don't have that, you could pass up some good stuff and accept some bad stuff.
ML: What if somebody says, 'Well I am available and open and circulating?' Do you think that perhaps they're not really?
MMH: I think that you've got to get out of insisting that everybody you meet is a potential mate. I think you've got to be friendly and learn to accumulate friends. ... The best marriages are friendships that grow into love relationships. ... It might not happen with that person. Maybe that friend has a friend. But if you don't develop that relationship with that person, you may never meet the next person.
ML: We asked for questions from some of the bloggers, and one wanted to know: How important is dating, that is physically going out, in a relationship? She said she was seeing a guy who liked staying at home a lot and wanted to know if going out itself is important.
MMH: A person does what is reflective of who they are. So if he doesn't like to go out a lot, he's sending you a signal now -- that when you're married, you won't be going out a lot. If that's OK with you, that's fine. ... Economically, it's not realistic that you're going to be going out all the time, so I don't think that's important. What's important is the character of a person. How they treat you on a daily basis, how transparent and accountable they are to you. Can you account for their time? Are they faithful? That's the stuff that lasts. The dating and going out, that part fades.
ML: Another question from a blogger: What's your take on dating in the workplace?
MMH: An absolute no-no.
ML: Why do you say that?
MMH: It complicates things, and if you end up not making it, then you gotta go to work and face this person who broke your heart. It's just not a good idea. It's distracting, and it usually does not work.
ML: Do you think it can ever work?
MMH: It can, and I've seen it work. But then you're at a real place of maturity, and you've already discussed how you're gonna handle things should it not come to fruition. ... You don't date somebody immediately who you meet at work who you have all this chemistry with. It definitely is a situation where I would be a friend for a long time, so I would be much more sure of the relationship before I decide to make it a courtship.
ML: What do you think about couples moving in together?
MMH: No.
ML: Why is that?
MMH: Between 70 and 80 percent of people who live together never get married. ... Those relationships basically do not work.
ML: Why do you think that is?
MMH: If you can't ever commit, how can you commit to a commitment?
ML: How is moving in together not committing? I'm a little confused.
MMH: You're a little confused? I'm confused when people say that's different from being married. Because you decided to pay bills, and in a sense what you decided to do is give yourself an easy out. So you don't want to pay the price for getting out, but you don't want to pay the price for getting in either.
ML: What about couples who are engaged?
MMH: When you get married, you can live together. People do get left standing at the altar. An engagement does not guarantee a marriage.
So what do you think of Michelle McKinney Hammond's advice so far? Love it? Hate it? Do you agree or disagree with what she has to say. Let us know below.
Remember to come back tomorrow to read this expert's opinion on cheaters, friends and dating, common dating mistakes, romance and television/movie relationships, plus her relationship status.
posted by Anonymous at 9:18 AM
11 Comments:
LOVE IT.
Great Job!
Sorry, I think this person 'read' to many books. To be so against moving in together dating or before marrage, sounds a bit churchie to me. I have found from 'my reading' that many couples who do not live together before hand, can have a lot more pressure after the wedding day. And I much rather find that out before saying my 'I Do's'.
Don't like this person so far, I'll see what they have to say tomorrow though before I completely make my mind up.
I think her advice about moving together is totally warranted. What's to keep you staying when times get tough if you don't have the committment of marriage?
I think it's up to the couple, but I'd rather take the traditional route.
To accuse her of being "churchie" is a little sterotypical though, don't you think?
She subscribes to traditional values. That's fine, but I do think times are changing. Traditional values are just that... things that have worked and become what is accepted and what is common. To call it "churchie" is just canning it as advice that you don't like.
That's the great thing about advice- you can take it or leave it! I'll take some and leave some. I'll even take some into consideration and maybe never use it.
As for dating in the workplace, I think she's got a good point. Too bad I'm too stubborn to listen right now!
I think her entire interview was incredibly interesting...great job Rose! : )
As for her views on moving in together, I didn't read "churchie" into it at all, nor did I feel she was preaching "traditional" values. It more sounded like she was being straight-forward, and used statistics to back it up. Personally, I find nothing wrong with moving in before marriage — my sister and HER HUSBAND lived together for a year before they were married — but this woman specializes in this field...she may have seen or heard a little bit more than the rest of us.
amen, roxy.
anon - 3
I find it funny that she calls herself a 'Love Doctor' but her only qualifications (by her own words) are she's read alot, and wrote 20 books. So where does the Doctor part fit in. I rather get advise from a trained/schooled professional myself. But hey, if you like what she said...I guess it want hurt.
I'm glad you guys are enjoying this so far. I sure had a fun time doing the interview.
I think any piece of advice can be taken with a grain of salt.I believe that in Michelle McKinney Hammond's experience, this is what she found to work most of the time. There are exceptions to any rule, but I think the take-home message is to proceed with caution if you're doing something that "typically" does not work.
I hope you guys check back tomorrow for the rest of the interview!
i think it sounds like a load of crap. i agree with anon 4, about her self-declared expertise also.
plus, this sounds a lot like the episode of sex and the city where charlotte was doing affirmations and starting to feel really sad like it was her fault that she wasn't married yet.
i would also agree that her opinions are very "traditional" and i might even throw conservative in there.
I absolutely love MMH! Her books are very inspirational and very encouraging! I loved reading the first part of the interview! Can't wait for the second part tomorrow!
what's wrong with traditional or conservative? it seems to work well for couples who have been married 50 + years. (not that all people who are married for that long are conservative, but I think it's safe to say that a majority of them are).
I think that holding on to some traditional values does a relationship/marriage good.
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