Is love colorblind?
Since one of my friends is convinced that I base this blog off her life (for the record, I don't, at least, not intentionally), she asked that today we cover this topic: interracial dating.My friend is a white woman. She recently started "seeing" or "talking" or however you put it, a black man. She has no problem with this, and, obviously, neither does he, but she recognizes that everyone may not accept their relationship (if it does in fact develop into that ... you know how it is in the beginning).
Personally, I think that if you can't accept two people of different races dating, you should get over yourself. Black, white, Hispanic -- it's been said a million times, but I'll say it again -- it's just a color. If he treats you well and is everything you've ever wanted in a man, then who cares if he has a different skin tone?
Some people say that interracial dating is OK for others but just not for them. They say they don't find members of other races attractive, and couldn't ever see themselves dating another race. To each his or her own, just don't be biased against those who choose to do it.
So help out my friend (who is also a fellow blogger). What do you think of interracial dating? If you are/were in an interracial relationship, how did you deal with other people's biases? If not, would you ever date someone of another race? Why or why not?
posted by Anonymous at 10:56 AM
21 Comments:
I am not attracted to members of other races. It has nothing to with a bias on my part, it is along the same lines as I am not attracted to guys with long hair. Or guys with crooked teeth. It is just a physical attribute that I am not attracted to. That being said, if people want to date interracially, go for it. Black, white, hispanic, asian, it is just a skin color and speaks nothing to the character underneath.
Since I see skin color as just a physical attribute that I am not attracted to, it could open the door for me being proven wrong in the future because I put personality over physical attractiveness. Who knows. But then I would have to deal with the biases of my father who was raised in the Deep South. Which is another issue entirely.
Anon #1
Go for it! I know we live in 'the South' but times they are a changin'. And if anything, the more people get use to it, the less of a 'deal' it will become. Remember when dating a guy with a piercing or tatoo was taboo? Now no one even hardly gives it a second glance. And you can't go around worried what other people think. This is your life, and no one else. Live true to you!
I think a large reason some people choose not to date someone of a different race is for cultural reasons - sort of along the same lines as dating someone outside his or her religion.
You'd be hard-pressed to deny that, for example, white and hispanic cultures are different, and adjusting to that difference might be difficult for some.
So, I think those who choose not to date interacilly shouldn't be considered "biased" or "racist," but possibly forgoing the challenges that dating someone of a different race may present.
LPR
"LPR" has an interesting point though, especially once I consider my family. If I chose not to date a black man (being a white woman myself) in order to avoid the family challenge... well, would that be a wise decision? I live for myself, and I think my family is rediculous to have the opinions that they do based on their own differences.
And anon #2, I like your point on how we've changed to accept so many other things. I like to believe people are more accepting than they really are though. Maybe we don't give it a second glance, but it still plays a part.
I guess it truly does just come down to what you're personally attracted to and willing to tackle!
Emmett Till - I hope your friend's new beau knows who that is. Ask her if he does. Seriously.
And why no comments from R&R on this topic?
Well I certainly know who Emmett Till is, and I'd assume he does. That was how long ago? I'm not sure how to take your comment and it really kind of pisses me off right now.
A bit of devil's advocate can be a fun game, go on and elaborate.
I already gave my comment in the initial post, in which I told her to go for it.
I also wonder, Anon. #4, why you ask if her new guy knows who Emmett Till is. Are you implying that he should watch out if he dates a white woman? Or are you just wondering if he knows of significant figures in history?
Till was killed almost 52 years ago. He'd likely still be alive today (66 years old) had he not been beaten to death for whistling at a white woman. I was just curious if this brother knew the story - and if he feels comfortable discussing such matters with his white girlfriend.
Why are you pissed off, Becki? Somebody whistle at you?
I was pissed off that you might imply something rude by that, but I still don't quite get what you're trying to say.
I'm perfectly comfortable discussing history... and it's not exactly something I'd bring up randomly but whatever. I guess maybe I'm naive to think that if I'm not worried about the conversation with a white guy, why should I be with a black guy?
And I don't care who whistles at me, it's rude whether you're white, black, male, female, or whatever you might feel like being that day. Sure, 52 years ago the attitude was different but it really irks me to think (regardless of a dating situation) that people still think that way today.
Now this has gone to another level. But I suppose there are always going to be people who can't let things lie and realize that maybe they shouldn't dwell on mistakes of the past. I don't mean in any way to devalue Emmett Till's story, just for the record. I'm just saying that past is past.
Becki, I have been proceeding under the impression that the friend "talking to" the black dude was not you, but now I get the feeling that it is. Are you the friend with the new black boyfriend?
If so, why don't you enlighten us on why you chose to go outside your race. Are you just curious to find out if it's true what they say? Or do you genuinely have feelings for the guy? Do you think you can relate to the issues he faces being a black man in America?
You appear to be the only person posting comments here that is actually seeing someone of a different race. Your reasons for doing so and why you are comfortable with the decision are exactly the sort of comments that R&R's readers want to see. In fact, why don't you get him to post something too?
And if you are not the friend mentioned in the blog, then I don't understand why you are so pissed. While E. Till was killed a half century ago, you truly are naive if you think those racist sentiments died with him.
I suppose I had hoped that those sentiments had at least been put aside, but thank you for proving me wrong. It's the kind of stuff I suppose I'll have to deal with if I continue dating a man of a race different than mine.
Maybe I'm different than some, but I don't see race as a defining quality in what type of man I'm attracted to.
Anon — as Rose said, she already commented in her initial post, and as for my opinion, I think you should pick the person that treats you right and makes you happy. If that happens to be someone from a different race, then so be it.
The thing is, I don't think anyone should be discouraged from dating someone outside their race because of the "hardships" it may cause or what other people may think. Interracial relationships, as wrong as it may be, are still viewed with disdain from some people and it's an attitude that is harmful in more ways than one.
Just to clarify, I don't think interracial relationships are wrong, I think that the opinion that two races shouldn't "mix" doesn't help society's hope for advancement at all.
What type of man you are attracted to and who you are willing to date openly are two different things. You might think black dudes are good looking, but you can't seriously believe that you would be able to date one and have race not be an issue. And I don't just mean other people making it an issue. I am talking about the issues that the two of you will have to face just by deciding to see each other on a more intimate level. Since this in the early stages, I wonder whether you have actually taken the time to think about that. I posed several questions earlier that for whatever reason, you chose not to answer. But before you move forward with this guy, you should definitely take some time to really consider what sort of significant other you can be to a person whose struggles you don't share. And while you would love to believe that everybody has put aside their prejudices, that simply isn't true. If you don't want to believe me, then ask him.
These are the sort of discussions you have to be willing to have in order for this to work. On this blog, you have been getting real defensive - even pissed off at times. But the comments posted here are relatively tame compared to what you will face if you decide to get serious with this dude. I really don't feel like you have contemplated all of this. Becki, my feelings on interracial dating are just that, my feelings. They shouldn't dictate what you do with your love life. However, Rose's intial post asked readers to help her friend out. That's what I am trying to do. Sure, my tone has been caustic at times, but if you can't deal with the banter on a newspaper blog, then your foray into interracial dating is doomed to fail.
Actually Anon, I think Becki was getting upset by your bringing up Emmitt Till, which didn't seem to have any basis at all. It was confusing as to why you brough him up and I'm still trying to link together your reasoning. It doesn't make sense.
As far as interracial relationships, I think we can all agree that the ones who are scrutinezed the most are those between a black person and a white person — just because it was taboo in society for so long. But wouldn't it be nice, Anon, to see society advance to where two people who care about each other won't have to worry about getting together without facing the resistance from others, resistance that you by your words and opinions are displaying on here.
Yes, culture differences will be involved when two different races get together but can't that be a positive thing? Perhaps one another could learn more about the other's life and the hardships one another has gone through. It could be a great way to bring about understanding. But that possibilty of good in interracial dating is marred by negative attitudes such as yours. You aren't trying to help Becki, or anyone who may want to date someone of another race, you are warning them against it — dangerous in a world that could use more togetherness.
Honesly, Roxy just said anything I had to respond with in better words than I could have put it. I suppose that comes with the journalism thing she does so well!
Anonymous, your opinions do bring it to my attention that other people do still have serious problems with accepting interracial relationships. I'm 100% open, believe it if you will or reject it if you won't, to learning about and trying to accept issues that someone else has to face that I may never fully understand. Even if it was a white man, we'd have different backgrounds to consider so what is so different when race is added in to the mix?
I suppose I have to take outsiders comments with a grain of salt...but take them regardless. You are the type of person who will be seeing me out with a black man and judging what motives are involved in the relationship.
Your opinions have been helpful, although I'm still hoping you'll close the gap on this Emmett Till reference. I know the history. I know how it impacts today. I just don't get why in the world you would bring that up. Will I be killed for whistling at a black man? Now that would be an interesting twist.
One more thing!
What type of man you are attracted to and who you are willing to date openly are two different things.
And just why does that have to be so? Sure, race is an issue but if I'm attracted to someone there's a reason for that. Maybe I'm a complete doofus for thinking there is something more to attraction than pure physical appearance, but I'm not going to deny my attraction and go for someone more similar to my background just to take the race card out of the deck.
Honestly, the Emmett Till reference was for him (black dude), not you, Becki (see 5th comment). I don't expect that story to resonate with you because no matter how open to new ideas you think you are, you can never truly empathize with what it is like to be black in America. I am not surprised that you and R&R were all miffed by the Till reference and that your initial responses were to dismiss it by saying that it happened so long ago. That is a common response today when reference is made to blatant injustices suffered by blacks at the hands of whites: "Oh, that was so long ago" or "I never owned slaves, why should I apologize?" (just an example, obviously off topic). I was just curious whether the new black dude would respond to the Till reference the same way. I doubt it, but I guess we'll never know. I was sincerely hoping that you would get your new love interest to add to the commentary we are having on here.
What you have not done, Becki, is shared with us any of your experiences with dating outside of your race. You haven't given us one concrete example of an issue that you have faced that you think might be a result of the diversity in your relationship. I know it's early, but have you two even gone out in public together? Held hands? Anything? Does he even know that people are on ML writing about him?
Becki, this whole time you have been acting like dating outside your race is just like dating inside your race. And that anybody who feels otherwise is the reason that we haven't progressed as a nation. But you have to admit that the two can't be that alike, or R&R wouldn't have made it a topic for ML. Contrary to how it might seem, I am intrigued by your relationship. If you are willing, I think R&R should do an update piece on you and your new beau in the next couple of months. If the two of you get more serious and start to spend more time together, I think you will realize that it is more difficult than simply thinking that love is colorblind. If I am wrong, then so be it...that too would be an interesting topic. How about it, R&R? You can save it for one of those days when you feel like you have run out of topics, but that deadline is still looming . . .
If Becki gives us her blessing, then we can update. But for obvious reasons (relationships need time to develop), that won't be for awhile.
PS- Any time you have a topic idea, feel free to shoot us an e-mail. Some days are tougher than others when it comes to thinking up ideas to write about.
Thanks for the clarification. If I ever feel a good place to bring that up to him, I'm totally open to it.
It's still early in anything we have together, so I can't say much for experiences. To touch on some issues about interracial dating that have been brought up, I have had a few minor freak outs. Like when I told one of my friends about how he never wants to go out and that he says he prefers to stay in. She played devil's advocate and asked if maybe he was embarrassed somehow to take me out? I in no way feel that could be the case but it was not something pleasant to have on my mind until I figured out for sure it was nothing to worry about. And how about being told by a black man that a lot of other black men (not him, he claims) see sex with a white woman is a victory over white men; somehow conquering their woman. A trophy. If I ever find out that's the case for me, I'll be one pissed off white woman. Right now I feel confident that is not applicable to our situation though.
So yeah there are obstacles to overcome, but aren't there obstacles in any relationship? No two relationships are ever the same anyway. I guess I just feel like I'm a little more open than some, but I do like to hear what others have to say. Thinking a little never hurts.
And no, he doesn't know about this, at least to my knowledge. I don't think it would make the beginning stages of dating any more comfortable to say "by the way, you're being blogged about. Want to read it?"
Thanks for challenging me and giving me some different viewpoints, anonymous.
I'm in love with a Sudanese guy he is attractive,tender,tactful and pretty we were combined together 5 years ago i don't care about anything except his eyes he have captured me he gives me everything his heart is full of great passions for me he is the world in fact i've never imagined that i will be engaged to someone who is from other race but now i'm a white girl in love
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