The love doctor speaks, part II
This is Part II of an interview with relationship coach Michelle McKinney Hammond. Read Part I here.
Macon Love: What do you think about cheaters? Do you think once a cheater always a cheater? Or do you think people can change?
Michelle McKinney Hammond: People can change. Will they, is the question. ... They usually only change after suffering severe loss or meeting someone who really inspires them to want to have integrity. ... I would observe (a past cheater), how they interact at home, at work, their friendships, their family because all the tell-tale signs are there. Little deceptions, little white lies, inconsistencies are danger signs, and you should pay attention to them sooner than later.
ML: Should you automatically break up with someone if they cheat on you?
MMH: After much discussion, you would have to find out what the reasons are, but (cheating is) usually indicative of an unfaithful spirit. Do you want to continue on that route afterwards? That's up to you. It's different when you're in a marriage. You should try to reconcile. You should try to work it out because you're at a deeper level of commitment, but if you're in the place of just courtship and this is happening already, that is not a good sign. I would break it off.
ML: What if your friends don't like someone that you're dating?
MMH: Your friends are usually right. ... You're going to have a make a judgment call on if it's jealousy, but most of the time even if we say it's jealousy, it's not. Our friends are the people who care about us.
ML: What do you think are common dating mistakes that people make?
MMH: Giving too much too soon, informationally and physically, not asking the hard questions, not paying attention to red flags and not being as transparent as you need to be for a long term relationship. ... Not communicating your needs but having roles that the person cannot fulfill because they don't know about them.
ML: When you say giving to much too soon, when is too soon?
MMH: I think past relationship talk, that's your personal business. There's a time to get into it but not at the very beginning. ... (Over the long-term), I think you share information that only has the potential to affect your relationship, like 'I can't have children,' that's a piece of information a man should know. Something of that nature.
ML: When do you think you should get involved physically?
MMH: I don't think you should have sex until you're married. I think we give way too much too soon. We give away pieces of ourselves continually that we never get back, and when we meet someone deserving of our love, we have nothing left to give or we're jaded and we're in a whole 'nother place. ... I think that you learn true intimacy by your communication and time spent without (sex) being the focus. And that gives you a good indication of what type of lover that person will be because if they can't master intimacy without sex, there's an issue.
ML: What are some of the 'hard questions' people should ask?
MMH: How did your other relationship end? Where are you financially? How are you handling your money? Have you ever experimented with a homosexual relationship? ... All the questions that will affect your life together are going to have to be discussed. Those things don't happen by osmosis.
ML: One of our bloggers wanted to know: What role does romance play in a lifelong committed relationship?
MMH: It should have a healthy, active role in your relationship lifelong. Romance doesn't stop after you say 'I do.' That should really be the start of it. ... Romance keeps the passion alive and keeps you respecting and loving one another and wanting to honor one another.
ML: Do you think TV and movies have painted the way that we view marriage?
MMH: Most definitely.
ML: In what ways?
MMH: First of all, they give us a false idea of how relationships work because they don't really work on relationships on television, and love does require work. So it is very important to know that it's going to take work and nurturing and hard conversations and determination to keep your relationship up and running all the time. ... And of course everyone looks beautiful for television, so the pressure is on that if we don't have these perfect little bodies (and) if we don't look camera ready, then a love can't happen. It's not real life.
ML: So, what's your relationship status?
MMH: I am happily single. I am unavailable. I am off the market. I wouldn't be a good partner right now, and I know that.
ML: Anything else you'd like to add?
MMH: I think that you have to remain hopeful and that you cannot become jaded. You have to have a good attitude. You have to really like men. You have to really like women. Keep hope alive that a relationship is possible, and give everyone a fair chance, but don't be stupid either.
Comments? Was this advice worth reading? Is it helpful or does it seem outdated, like "The Rules"?
Macon Love: What do you think about cheaters? Do you think once a cheater always a cheater? Or do you think people can change?
Michelle McKinney Hammond: People can change. Will they, is the question. ... They usually only change after suffering severe loss or meeting someone who really inspires them to want to have integrity. ... I would observe (a past cheater), how they interact at home, at work, their friendships, their family because all the tell-tale signs are there. Little deceptions, little white lies, inconsistencies are danger signs, and you should pay attention to them sooner than later.
ML: Should you automatically break up with someone if they cheat on you?
MMH: After much discussion, you would have to find out what the reasons are, but (cheating is) usually indicative of an unfaithful spirit. Do you want to continue on that route afterwards? That's up to you. It's different when you're in a marriage. You should try to reconcile. You should try to work it out because you're at a deeper level of commitment, but if you're in the place of just courtship and this is happening already, that is not a good sign. I would break it off.
ML: What if your friends don't like someone that you're dating?
MMH: Your friends are usually right. ... You're going to have a make a judgment call on if it's jealousy, but most of the time even if we say it's jealousy, it's not. Our friends are the people who care about us.
ML: What do you think are common dating mistakes that people make?
MMH: Giving too much too soon, informationally and physically, not asking the hard questions, not paying attention to red flags and not being as transparent as you need to be for a long term relationship. ... Not communicating your needs but having roles that the person cannot fulfill because they don't know about them.
ML: When you say giving to much too soon, when is too soon?
MMH: I think past relationship talk, that's your personal business. There's a time to get into it but not at the very beginning. ... (Over the long-term), I think you share information that only has the potential to affect your relationship, like 'I can't have children,' that's a piece of information a man should know. Something of that nature.
ML: When do you think you should get involved physically?
MMH: I don't think you should have sex until you're married. I think we give way too much too soon. We give away pieces of ourselves continually that we never get back, and when we meet someone deserving of our love, we have nothing left to give or we're jaded and we're in a whole 'nother place. ... I think that you learn true intimacy by your communication and time spent without (sex) being the focus. And that gives you a good indication of what type of lover that person will be because if they can't master intimacy without sex, there's an issue.
ML: What are some of the 'hard questions' people should ask?
MMH: How did your other relationship end? Where are you financially? How are you handling your money? Have you ever experimented with a homosexual relationship? ... All the questions that will affect your life together are going to have to be discussed. Those things don't happen by osmosis.
ML: One of our bloggers wanted to know: What role does romance play in a lifelong committed relationship?
MMH: It should have a healthy, active role in your relationship lifelong. Romance doesn't stop after you say 'I do.' That should really be the start of it. ... Romance keeps the passion alive and keeps you respecting and loving one another and wanting to honor one another.
ML: Do you think TV and movies have painted the way that we view marriage?
MMH: Most definitely.
ML: In what ways?
MMH: First of all, they give us a false idea of how relationships work because they don't really work on relationships on television, and love does require work. So it is very important to know that it's going to take work and nurturing and hard conversations and determination to keep your relationship up and running all the time. ... And of course everyone looks beautiful for television, so the pressure is on that if we don't have these perfect little bodies (and) if we don't look camera ready, then a love can't happen. It's not real life.
ML: So, what's your relationship status?
MMH: I am happily single. I am unavailable. I am off the market. I wouldn't be a good partner right now, and I know that.
ML: Anything else you'd like to add?
MMH: I think that you have to remain hopeful and that you cannot become jaded. You have to have a good attitude. You have to really like men. You have to really like women. Keep hope alive that a relationship is possible, and give everyone a fair chance, but don't be stupid either.
Comments? Was this advice worth reading? Is it helpful or does it seem outdated, like "The Rules"?
posted by Anonymous at 9:33 AM
14 Comments:
Nope, this gal did nothing for me. And yes I will continue my 'churchie' stance. Nothing wrong with that (so don't blast me again for saying it) but when you preach no sex before marriage, I'll call that chruchie all day. Again if that is your belief, nothing wrong with waiting, and I respect that. But not to realistic for today's time though. There just was nothing new I haven't heard before from this gal...I guess that's all my complaint really.
Thanks for your comment, Anon. #1!
I am not super impressed with her credentials. Like someone said in the last post, she is self taught through observations with no "training" necessarily. Also, she is a so-called relationship expert but she is how old and not in a relationship? I agree with about maybe 25-30% of her observations in the interview. Interesting perspective though.
Again, I'll say that "churchie" is a misnomer, since many non-religious people choose to wait until marriage to have sex. Maybe you should come up with another adjective to describe your perspective of her thoughts.
And whether or not it's "realistic" isn't the point. She didn't say, "since most people are doing it, I guess I'll say it's best for relationships." Sadly, since marriage statistics are so depressing, what "most people" are doing doesn't seem to be working too well!
I will agree, however, that her credentials are a little perplexing. If everyone who "read a lot" called themselves an "expert" we would be in trouble!
My point of it not being 'realistic' is a LARGE % of the people that are asking for her advise have most likly already had sex before marrage. So telling them to 'wait' at this point is mute (unless she is doing a group of like 14 year olds, which I hope does not happen seeing how a 14 year old should not need 'Love' advise). Think about it....
Hey guys (or those with college degrees) didn't you earn that degree by reading a lot?
If a University or College thinks you know what you are doing, and gives you a degree, because you read in classes and than took tests or wrote reports about it, than why put this woman down, or try to discredit her advice just because it doesn't necessarily match what you believe?
I'm by no means putting her down. I did recieve a degree in college, but I don't consider myself an expert! if she had said she studied psychology and relationships in college and practices psychology on a regular basis, that changes things. But saying you read books about relationships does not make you an expert - it makes you an avid reader.
anon - 4
First I did not discredit her because I do not agree with some of her thoughts (which I did agree with some). Second maybe we just did not get her full credentials in this interview. I just wrote yesterday in the comments what I read in the interview, that she read a lot of books and wrote a few. If that is all of her credentials I would have to take that in to consideration. And feel that you (Roxie & Rose) have just as much 'expertise' as she does. Just my two cents...
A little bit more about MMH's background that I edited out: she majored in advertising in college (sort of a moot point) and said that she has given enough advice that works to make her an expert.
Just to point out, Anon — we never claimed to be experts.
I never said you claimed to be experts, but said that you guys seem to have as much 'experience' as this MMH person has. It was meant to be a compliment. I love your blog, and find the info you discuss here more pertinent than what MMH had to say, that was all. Sorry if you misunderstood me. :) Keep up the good work, and having different points of view is what makes blogging fun to begin with.
To bring up something I said before, traditional values are just that way because they have worked. They wouldn't be traditional values if they didn't work! It's easy to say don't move in before marriage, don't have sex before marriage, etc when that's the norm. I just think non-traditional relationships are becoming so much more common that maybe those traditional values don't apply anymore. Or at least not to everyone. Statistics on those type of things are so skewed now anyway because of course in the past those are the values that end up being successful... every other type of relationship wasn't accepted so the stats don't apply to them yet. I don't believe there truly is any good reading of whether sex before marriage has any effect on the success of a relationship because people don't tell the truth about everything. In the 60's, swinging was a pretty common practice, but how many people openly admit to sleeping with their friend's partner? Probably not as many as actually practiced it.
I'm a bit picky on her credentials too, plus after visiting her website she definitely uses religion as a base for things. Now, I majored in psychology and have done tons of reading on relationships. Does this make me qualified to write books and give people advice? Well, my friends certainly come to me for advice. I guess I should start writing! She picked up on a natural talent of being female and made it into her career. More power to her, but it takes an educated advisee to choose their advisor. As with any counseling relationship, you need someone who has similar experiences as you otherwise they will not fully understand you. I believe you can read a thousand books on a topic and if you haven't experienced it, you still have more to learn! People are judgemental by nature and someone who does not personally have experience in an area they are trying to counsel someone in cannot fully accept that person and not try to teach them what they believe to be true. Different strokes for different folks, basically.
Regardless of my opinions, it was a good interview and it is interesting to see what a so-called expert thinks. I would like to see a similar interview with a more liberal "relationship coach" though! I feel like the answers could be very different.
Becki, you requested just what another co-worker suggested: another interview with a more liberal relationship coach. We'll see if next month we can do that.
It's always good to get both sides of the same story:)
Hell, maybe I've got a new career lined up now.
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