"When Harry met Sally" gave the wrong idea
Earlier this week, we discussed being stuck in the "friend zone." But what happens when all you want to do is be friends with your male or female buddy, and their significant other doesn't quite understand that? Does it go back to the idea most famously introduced by the movie, "When Harry met Sally," that men and women can't be friends?
One of my boyfriend's good friends has, over the past few months, become a really good friend of mine as well. We have a lot in common as far as where we were raised and things we like to do, and we hit it off instantly ... as friends.
The nice thing about my boyfriend is that he isn't the jealous type, so he never minded if I went to the bar with his friend and he couldn't go. I wanted to go out, my friend did as well, or for whatever reason, my boyfriend couldn't. No big deal, we would meet up later.
My friend's girlfriend, on the other hand, wasn't so understanding. In fact, she even went as far to accuse him of cheating on her with me. (I mean, hello, I was dating one of his best friends, whom I would never cheat on. Think about it.) But it got to the point that she was out of town one weekend, and completely freaked out. I was going up to Atlanta to visit my old college roommate, my friend tagged along, despite warnings from his girlfriend that she would break up with him if he did, and when we got back, their relationship was over.
Obviously, it all boils down to trust, and apparently it wasn't all there for them. I don't think hanging out with him was an innappropriate action, because I knew that it was all completely innocent. But is it wrong for a guy and girl, both in relationships, to be friends and hang out as friends? Or is it a case where the significant other should just calm down a bit?
posted by Anonymous at 12:55 PM
7 Comments:
If a couple trusts each other, and are secure in their relationship, then it shouldn't matter. Also, just because you are in a relationship, it does not give you the right to dictate who your partner can or cannot be friends with. I get along much better with men than I do with women, and my boyfriend has no problems with that. He knows that I am only interested in him. Maybe your friend's girlfriend didn't have that kind of security. Or maybe she has trust issues from her past, like girlfriends who stole a boyfriend, which make it harder for her to trust a new guy.
I think that if you're not in a serious relationship, having a good friend of the opposite sex is fine. However, I think that if you're in a serious relationship (i.e. engaged or married) I think it's not the smartest thing to do.
I don't believe I would be worried that my significant other would cheat on me, but I would hope that I would be my partner's best friend and confidant, and that he wouldn't have to have another girl-friend to share things with.
Anon — What happens, though, in a situation where you have a friend of the opposite sex, and then you meet your boyfriend/girlfriend? You can't very well stop being friends with the person you have known for longer than your significant other.
It's a slippery slope, but it comes down to honesty. Sometimes, the pressure in a relationship is so high that it's good to have an outside source to vent too.
I confide in both my girl and guy friends, and I always find it is nice to have a guys perspective on things. They are cut and dry, so even if you don't want to hear it, they're going to be honest.
But I don't think it is okay to be expected to cut off all ties to the opposite sex for the sake of a relationship.
Its a fine line. I think that some people were just meant to be friends and some people were meant to be more. I, too, get along better with guys, ever since high school. My current bf understands and says that he will trust me until such a time that he feels like I have betrayed his trust. In over nine months, that hasn't happened. I am friends with most of his friends and it helps that he trusts them as well. Now on the flip side, my bf just took a 2 week vacation to his hometown where he met up with his old high school friends. Some of them were female and I have to admit that a small jealous streak crept up in me as I had no idea who these women are and why they would want to hang out with my man! But at the same time, I trust my bf. And the fact is, you cannot prevent someone from cheating. They are either going to or they are not. No other person can make that decision, not nagging or threatening or whatever. In relationships, it IS all about trust and communication and I think if you can't trust your partner with a member of the opposite sex, its either time to evaluate your own past or to find someone that you CAN trust.
Well much like in the movie one of the parties involved in the so called friendship will get feelings for the other. It is just a matter of time before it will happen, especially if you have so much in common with this other person. All it takes is a fight with the bf or gf and seeing as that person knows the both of you and you get along so well then that might be the shoulder you go to cry on and who knows what would happen then. Like roxy and april said that is a very bad area to be in. Granted i am not saying that this your friends girl was justified in her actions, saying stuff like that. But i am sure she had reasons to not trust him, either he has cheated on her or she has cheated on him and she is worried he will do something to get back at her.
Side tracking here, when one gets cheated on and stays with that person. Does that give them a get out of jail free card? What kind of argument could the other person use? Like has been stated time and time again it comes down to trust, you either trust someone to do what is right or you don't. When that trust is lost then it is really hard to get back to that point again in a relationship. Sometimes it will never get back to that point again.
Matt — I don't know if it is a get out of jail free card, because getting back together with someone who has cheated on you is always dangerous. The betrayal is forever in the back of your head, and even if you get to the point where you forgive them, the fact that the person did it once always means they can do it again.
The best bet is to move on, even if you want to offer a get out free card. You shouldn't be with someone who is so reckless with your emotions.
Roxy-oh don't get me wrong i don't think it would be a wise idea to stay in a relationship that you could not trust someone. I had just gotten off topic in that post. But you are right that thought stays with you, no matter how hard you try to forget.
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