Honey, I'm home!
A month or so ago, my friend was discussing the possibility of living with her boyfriend. Her parents, she said, were totally against it, and both her mom and dad had different reasons. She said her dad believes that a man and woman should not live together before marriage, period. It's just wrong. Her mom said my friend shouldn't live with her beau because when/if they got married, it would take away some of the specialness of coming home to her husband for the first time. My friend said that she didn't know what she was going to do, but when the time came, if it made more sense financially, she might do it.
I really have no solid opinion on the topic. I can see both sides and do not know what I would do in that situation. On one hand, living together is a good way to get to know another person. You'll learn all their quirky habits that you may not see when they're home alone at their own place. You'll truly find out if you are able to live 24/7 with a person. It can bring you closer and help you decide if you're ready for marriage. If you're in a financially tight situation, it also can help cut down on rent payments.
On the other hand, there's this saying: Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? I know this saying is old and ends up comparing me to a cow, but my fear is if there is some truth in it. Living together may simply postpone marriage, which I consider the ultimate end I want to reach. Also, you and your partner may become complacent living together, and the relationship may just become one of convenience, not love. Besides, what do you do if you break up? Then, not only do you have to deal with a break-up but also an impending move.
I guess what it all comes down to is that you have to trust your partner. If you decide to move in together, you have to together decide that it's the right thing and the right direction you want to move in.
What do you think about living together before marriage? Is it a good idea or a bad idea? Have you ever regretted moving in with someone?
I really have no solid opinion on the topic. I can see both sides and do not know what I would do in that situation. On one hand, living together is a good way to get to know another person. You'll learn all their quirky habits that you may not see when they're home alone at their own place. You'll truly find out if you are able to live 24/7 with a person. It can bring you closer and help you decide if you're ready for marriage. If you're in a financially tight situation, it also can help cut down on rent payments.
On the other hand, there's this saying: Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? I know this saying is old and ends up comparing me to a cow, but my fear is if there is some truth in it. Living together may simply postpone marriage, which I consider the ultimate end I want to reach. Also, you and your partner may become complacent living together, and the relationship may just become one of convenience, not love. Besides, what do you do if you break up? Then, not only do you have to deal with a break-up but also an impending move.
I guess what it all comes down to is that you have to trust your partner. If you decide to move in together, you have to together decide that it's the right thing and the right direction you want to move in.
What do you think about living together before marriage? Is it a good idea or a bad idea? Have you ever regretted moving in with someone?
posted by Anonymous at 2:22 PM
10 Comments:
I moved in with my boyfriend because of cirumstances beyond my control, and I needed a place to live fast. At first, it started out temporary until I found another place, but we had a conversation about two months into it and decided to give it a try.
I'm fairly certain that we would still be living together had he not taken a better job six months ago which moved him about two hours away. I definitely don't regret the seven months we lived together. We learned more about each other, and even better that we could co-exist in the same place — a very important lesson.
My mom wasn't exactly pleased with the set-up, but it worked for me. I was in no way ready to get married, and obviously because of the rush of moving in, marriage was not a discussion.
That being said, as I get older and eventually one day do want to get married, before I moved in with someone I would make sure each side had a clear understanding that marriage would some day be expected.
There is overwhelming evidence that shows couples that live together prior to mariage have a FAR greater chance of divorce IF they even get married.
Anon #1: I was shocked when I read your comment, so I decided to do a little research myself.
The most credible information I found was from a CDC study for the National Institutes of Health. I scanned it (it's 100+) pages, and basically it seems that a number of factors depend on whether cohabitation will lead to marriage failure. These factors include: age, race, socioeconomic status, education and so forth. Basically, it's different for different people. The study can be found here:
http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/series/sr_23/sr23_022.pdf
Since I obviously did not read the whole study, I then looked for some interpretation and found this article on CNN.com:
http://archives.cnn.com/2002/US/07/24/cdc.marriagereport/index.html
I found this particularly telling:
"One of the study's authors said the report did not draw the conclusion that living together before marriage was the cause of the relationship ending.
"'It may not be the experience of cohabiting but the people who cohabit,' said William Mosher."
So really, there isn't conclusive evidence that cohabitation leads to divorce. And, again, it all depends on the individual.
I realize those links above are impossible, so here you go again, you'll just have to remove the extra space after the line break when you copy & paste.
CDC Study:
http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/
series/sr_23/sr23_022.pdf
CNN Story:
http://archives.cnn.com/2002/US/07/24/
cdc.marriagereport/index.html
Tony and I moved in together after going out for about five years or more but already being engaged. Before moving in, I suggest taking a long vacation together first. Haha. That's what we did. Then we were like, hey, we get along when we're together all the time, so why not.
I agree that it would be a nice thought to move in after marriage, but I also see it as very positive to do so beforehand because if you get married and aren't familiar with that person's living habits (because it's totally different than even sleeping over every now and then), then you're screwed if they suck as a roomie! :)
I bought our house 3 months before we were even married. We have been married now for about 4 years. So far so good :). The only thing I heard from my parents was 'not to tell anyone I moved in until after we are married', I guess to save them face at chruch or something. It worked out for me, I had 3 extra months of 'training' my husband before it was official.
Rose ~ I would encourage you to look into this alternate viewpoint:
http://family.custhelp.com/cgi-bin/family.cfg/php/enduser/std_adp.php?p_faqid=13379
I really would like to hear what you think.
Anon #3: I read the article on the Web site you posted, and this is what I think:
I think that those relationships that end, involve abuse or become unhappy while living together are because the couple began living together without the intent of marriage -- at least on person's behalf. I think if you intend on marrying the person anyway, or if you are engaged, those side-effects are less likely.
That being said, all of the statistics against living together are enough to make me want to wait marriage to move in with someone. Sure, it's not the same for everyone, and it does work in some cases, but I only intend on marrying once, and I don't really want to chance messing that up.
Also on a side note, the article is from a Web site with a focus on family, and it appears to be supported by some church ministry. Traditionally, the church teaches a man and woman shouldn't live together before marriage, so it is possible that the site is biased against living together.
I'm glad you read that Rose. I'm also glad to hear that statistics helped persuade you to choose against living together and not emotions. I think we all can agree that our emotions are deceptive. Focus on the Family is a well respected, independent organization not affiliated with any specific denomination or church. Their founder, Dr. James Dobson is a man of faith with quite a bio on his medical expertise. This is probably why they're often quoted in the media as a reputable source on family issues. The only thing I want to make an issue with you is that you say the church is against folks living together- thats false. It's the bible itself that speaks specificly and directly against believers living together. Chat with you later...
Actually, Anon. Roxy said that the church teaches that a man and woman should not live together. If I am not mistaken, the church is just a go-between from the bible to the church patrons — therefore, the church does say that.
And regardless of what those statistics suggest, if I want to live with someone before marriage, I'm definitely going to do it. If I let all statistics scare me away from something, I would be afraid to get married seeing as nearly half of all marriages end in divorce.
Also, emotions may be deceptive, but in my opinion, the minute you start ignoring how you feel is the minute you become closed off in a way. Keeping a bit of sanity in a relationship is always important, but how you feel and what you want are equally as important.
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