The Truth in Numbers
I was catching up with a close friend of mine a couple of nights ago, and she was telling me about her dating life over the past couple of months. Nothing serious developed from any of them, but she had gotten intimate with a couple.
She wasn't so much concerned that none of them turned into anything concrete, but she was a bit upset about her current "number." You know, that single, double, and in some incomprehensible cases, triple-digit number of partners you have had in your lifetime. In my mind, it wasn't all that terrible, but somewhere in the mix of college's reckless abandon and post-college dating, the number had climbed just a bit —— without her even realizing it.
I told her not to worry about it, because in the grand scheme of things, she is the only person who really needs to know the truth about how many guys she has slept with. It wasn't my business and it isn't the next person she dates' business either.
When you get down to it, the only thing you need to discuss before sleeping with a a current or possible partner is whether or not you have or ever had an STD. How many people you have been with, what sorts of things you have done and where is irrelevant. Especially if it's not all that flattering to you, and in the background of your mind you are ashamed of it. Telling someone and seeing a horrified reaction isn't really going to ever make you feel that great, so why not save yourself the hassle?
Personally, I have always told my number when asked, mostly because I'm not ashamed of it (although, no, I am not going to broadcast it on here). It's not high or embarrassing, so I don't worry about it. Not to mention, I have been in a serious relationship for more than two years, so it's been stagnant for awhile. But I do have friends whose numbers have reached heights they never expected, growing as they were having fun and being young and not really tallying up the exact number in the heat of the moment. My reaction to that has always been, don't sweat it. It's not a big deal unless you make it one.
The biggest amusement I have always found when people ask about numbers or talk about how many people so and so have slept with is the blatant double standard. I actually know guys who have unimaginable number tallys, who when asked, admitted that they wouldn't touch a girl if her number rivaled theirs. In fairness, though, if a guy I was talking to told me he had slept with 75+ women, I would go running the other way.
But it's not so much the guys reaction, it's the way girls react when they find out the numbers of other girls. "What a hoe" or "Wow, she's kind of a slut" is usually the reaction from even some of the most open-minded people who claim to be all about women's rights, then turn around and put a woman down for exercising her freedom. It's her choice to do it, as well as be honest about it, so just let her be. There may be more behind her reasons for sleeping around than she just likes hooking up.
Bottom line, as I told my friend and would tell any girl, it's just a number. What's more important is being safe, and if you are going to have multiple partners, go to great lengths to keep yourself disease-free. And if you start to worry about the reasons why your number has ballooned, take a step back and re-examine your reasons for having numerous partners. But you don't have to answer to anyone about what the number is or why, that's your business and your's alone.
Do you agree? Or do you always go with honesty when asked?
She wasn't so much concerned that none of them turned into anything concrete, but she was a bit upset about her current "number." You know, that single, double, and in some incomprehensible cases, triple-digit number of partners you have had in your lifetime. In my mind, it wasn't all that terrible, but somewhere in the mix of college's reckless abandon and post-college dating, the number had climbed just a bit —— without her even realizing it.
I told her not to worry about it, because in the grand scheme of things, she is the only person who really needs to know the truth about how many guys she has slept with. It wasn't my business and it isn't the next person she dates' business either.
When you get down to it, the only thing you need to discuss before sleeping with a a current or possible partner is whether or not you have or ever had an STD. How many people you have been with, what sorts of things you have done and where is irrelevant. Especially if it's not all that flattering to you, and in the background of your mind you are ashamed of it. Telling someone and seeing a horrified reaction isn't really going to ever make you feel that great, so why not save yourself the hassle?
Personally, I have always told my number when asked, mostly because I'm not ashamed of it (although, no, I am not going to broadcast it on here). It's not high or embarrassing, so I don't worry about it. Not to mention, I have been in a serious relationship for more than two years, so it's been stagnant for awhile. But I do have friends whose numbers have reached heights they never expected, growing as they were having fun and being young and not really tallying up the exact number in the heat of the moment. My reaction to that has always been, don't sweat it. It's not a big deal unless you make it one.
The biggest amusement I have always found when people ask about numbers or talk about how many people so and so have slept with is the blatant double standard. I actually know guys who have unimaginable number tallys, who when asked, admitted that they wouldn't touch a girl if her number rivaled theirs. In fairness, though, if a guy I was talking to told me he had slept with 75+ women, I would go running the other way.
But it's not so much the guys reaction, it's the way girls react when they find out the numbers of other girls. "What a hoe" or "Wow, she's kind of a slut" is usually the reaction from even some of the most open-minded people who claim to be all about women's rights, then turn around and put a woman down for exercising her freedom. It's her choice to do it, as well as be honest about it, so just let her be. There may be more behind her reasons for sleeping around than she just likes hooking up.
Bottom line, as I told my friend and would tell any girl, it's just a number. What's more important is being safe, and if you are going to have multiple partners, go to great lengths to keep yourself disease-free. And if you start to worry about the reasons why your number has ballooned, take a step back and re-examine your reasons for having numerous partners. But you don't have to answer to anyone about what the number is or why, that's your business and your's alone.
Do you agree? Or do you always go with honesty when asked?
posted by Anonymous at 12:34 PM
8 Comments:
I always go with honesty when asked. I think if you're in a serious relationship, then it is your partner's business to know your "number." You're supposed to be able to share anything without having the other person go running and screaming in the opposite direction.
If it's a new relationship, then keep it to yourself, but if you're going to do something as serious as having sex, share your number.
Sometimes the past should just stay in the past. It's what you do now and in the future that matters. As long as you are honest and up front about the important things, like STDs, then it should not matter how many people you have been with.
I disagree. To me, sex is one of the most important things in a realationship, so I think that a person's sexual history can tell a lot about the type of person he/she is.
To me (and I know not everyone feels or should feel the same way) sex is something to be shared only between two people who are in love, and if I were dating someone who didn't feel the same way, and thus slept with every person they've dated, I wouldn't want to be with that person.
So, knowing "the number" is a pretty big deal to me.
Anon — That's a great and sweet thought that sex should only be between two people in love, but unfortunately, in this day and age, that's an idea shared by few people.
But your view of how you wouldn't want to be with someone who slept around is why some people do keep their number to themselves.
What if you, holding onto that belief, missed out on a great relationship because you judged them for things they did before they had even met you? I doubt you haven't made some questionable judgement calls, and I'm sure you wouldn't want to be judge for those.
It is a personal decision, but I don't think it's a crime to be unwilling to tell.
It really doesn't matter how many people share the same viewpoint. Popularity is not the appropriate test. Just how many times in history has the crowd been wrong? Recreational sex is not a good idea. It is not a relationship builder because it is based on lust and has nothing to do with love. Love is a conscious choice and doesn't change with emotions. You are not going to find the guy or gal of your dreams by jumping into the sack every time the mood strikes. Many marriages and subsequent divorces have resulted from hopping in the sack and mistaking lust for love. So the real question is whether you really want to be in special relationship or just to be used and tossed aside when better toy comes along.
Alan
Roxy -
I understand that I could be missing out on a great person, however, I reserve sex for marriage, or at the very least, a very serious and committed relationship.
Someone who has slept with many people does not share my fundamental beliefs, and I can't be in a realationship with someone who doesn't have the same basic principles.
I agree that recreational sex is dangerous. Not only for your health, but if you take some unknown guy or girl home from a bar, who knows if they are crazy or not? Bottom line, it isn't the best idea in the world.
However, should you choose to go in that direction, and should your number stack up, it is your business and yours alone. Beating yourself up because of a standard set by society (like Alan said, how many times has the general public been wrong?) doesn't seem necessary to me.
This is not a question of whether or not casual sex is good or not. This is whether or not you need to reveal everything about your past that doesn't have to deal with possibly transmitting diseases. To me, the number is personal and you reserve the right to reveal it or not.
Anon #1 — That's great that you have found beliefs that work for you, and that you hold on to those. More power to you. And hopefully you will find a guy who shares those same beliefs. However, you may not want to be so quick to judge because it may not be just guys you come across with high numbers — it could be your friends. And they may want your support, not your judgement.
I always miss the good ones!
First of all the Blog is stupid there is no real concrete question here but that aside i love the discussion about nothing! 2nd of all i dont care how many people my buddy has been with b/c im not sleeping with him. 3rd of all i think numbers actaully do matter not because i have some terrible fear my mom will find out one day 30 years form now my wife wasnt a virgin when we got married (and ive pretty much given up on that dream) but beacuse there are serious consequences to having sex not just STDs although those are really scary. When you have sex with someone you give part of yourself to that person. Whether you believe in God or not who ever invented the idea of sex knew what they were doing its just so much fun. So chew on this for a little while if you gave half of your heart to every one you ever slept with, and then the next person you slept with got half of that half and the next person then got half of that half and so on and so forth by the time you got to marriage(which i assume is the ultimate goal here) what would you have left to give ? Im not saying Im right but this was written almost as to say " sleep with the world . . . .just dotn tell anybody and they wont ever know" when in reality people know. Its almost as thought you are blind and then you see. After the first time you had sex you all of a sudden could tell who had "done it" (for the most part).
Also isnt there an antibody that builds up in your blood stream in highly sexually active people? i think so . . . . . i saw it on Nip/Tuck anyway
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