His wife couldn't bear children, so he left her
A week or so ago I heard a story about a man who left his wife.
You tell me if he was justified:
A woman desperately wanted to marry this man. She loved him, and he loved her. The thing was, though, that he really wanted a family, and she had a secret. She could not bear children.
Afraid the man would leave her, she did not tell him her secret. They even talked about having children together. She tried to bring up the topic of possible adoption, but he really wanted a child from his own blood.
The couple married and lived happily ever after for about two years. The woman was racked with the guilt of her secret, though, and eventually broke down and told her husband her secret.
The man, shocked, left the house and had not been heard from in three days at the time I heard the story. Now the woman is heartbroken because her husband left her.
On one hand, I think the man was completely justified in leaving her. She basically lied to him for two years (or more, depending on how long they dated), and that's one of the ultimate betrayals. How does he know she's not going to lie to him again about other important issues? That trust can never be returned.
On the other hand, if he truly loved her, he would get over his initial shock and be willing to work it out. Now knowing that a birth between the two of them is not possible, perhaps he would want to adopt. It's not the woman's fault that she can't have a child, and he shouldn't hold that against her.
I will say, though, that the woman had no right to lie to the man or lead him on. If he did leave her before marriage because of it, then it's better she find out then before going down to the altar. If he's going to leave her for that, he's not worth being with anyway.
I'm really curious about what you guys have to say about this. Should the woman have lied to her then-finance? Was the man justified in leaving? Should he come back? Is this relationship doomed for failure?
Note: Roxy and I have a small request of you. We'd appreciate it if you could sign your posts using the "other" option. As always, you don't have to use your real name (just make one up). It will make it easier for us to respond to your comments this way, rather than having to count which anonymous you are. Also, we're slightly vain and want to see if mostly the same people comment everyday or if we ever get new readers.
You tell me if he was justified:
A woman desperately wanted to marry this man. She loved him, and he loved her. The thing was, though, that he really wanted a family, and she had a secret. She could not bear children.
Afraid the man would leave her, she did not tell him her secret. They even talked about having children together. She tried to bring up the topic of possible adoption, but he really wanted a child from his own blood.
The couple married and lived happily ever after for about two years. The woman was racked with the guilt of her secret, though, and eventually broke down and told her husband her secret.
The man, shocked, left the house and had not been heard from in three days at the time I heard the story. Now the woman is heartbroken because her husband left her.
On one hand, I think the man was completely justified in leaving her. She basically lied to him for two years (or more, depending on how long they dated), and that's one of the ultimate betrayals. How does he know she's not going to lie to him again about other important issues? That trust can never be returned.
On the other hand, if he truly loved her, he would get over his initial shock and be willing to work it out. Now knowing that a birth between the two of them is not possible, perhaps he would want to adopt. It's not the woman's fault that she can't have a child, and he shouldn't hold that against her.
I will say, though, that the woman had no right to lie to the man or lead him on. If he did leave her before marriage because of it, then it's better she find out then before going down to the altar. If he's going to leave her for that, he's not worth being with anyway.
I'm really curious about what you guys have to say about this. Should the woman have lied to her then-finance? Was the man justified in leaving? Should he come back? Is this relationship doomed for failure?
Note: Roxy and I have a small request of you. We'd appreciate it if you could sign your posts using the "other" option. As always, you don't have to use your real name (just make one up). It will make it easier for us to respond to your comments this way, rather than having to count which anonymous you are. Also, we're slightly vain and want to see if mostly the same people comment everyday or if we ever get new readers.
posted by Anonymous at 11:18 AM
14 Comments:
I do believe she sould have been honest to begain with. But as you said if he really loved her, he would get over that. But trust is a big issue for me also. I'm sure he felt duped. But really in the end, if he left, then they can both move on to someone else. Hopefully truthful from the start this time. In my mind, everything in life happens for a reason. I believe they were ment to be with each other for the two years for what ever reason. Now life is telling them they are ment for something/someone else now.
I think the woman shouldve never lied in the first place, so I see where the man is upset. But to leave a marriage because of it, is on a whole different level. Like you said I woman cannot help she cant bear children, but yes she couldve told him. Now they are in a bond of matrimony, and this should not break it. He vowed that he would be there from rich or poor, or in sickness and in health, until death do they part, and neither one of them has died. I do believe that some divorces are for the better but not because of this, and think the man has blown the whole situation way out of proportion!
lola,
yes I think it too is blown out of proportion, however he did tell her from the begainning that he wanted a child from "his own blood". If he just said he wanted children, then yes I can see it being a misunderstanding. Because you can always adopt. However, she knew from the start she lied and lived that lie for over two years! How alful it must have been for him to know a woman who he thought he trusted dearly to have lied that entire time. And like Rose said, what else could she be hiding/lieing about. Sadly I see a case for both sides.
Rose if you hear what happens with these two, let us know. It will be interesting to find out the result in this case.
false pretenses is one of the few reasons for annulment. not that i agree, just pointing it out.
Edge: Unfortunately, I may never know what happens with this couple. A woman called in with this problem to the morning show on B95.1. The DJs told her to keep them up-to-date, but we'll see if that happens. On another note, I can't believe that she called the radio station to discuss this topic with the world. Who does that? (Well, I guess, technically I do with this blog, but somehow I feel this is different.)
Anon. #1: Interesting point about false pretenses. I wonder if there is a statute of limitations for making an annullment or if it has to go to divorce.
I completely disagree with Lola. A marriage built on lies is not marriage.
If she loved him as much as she said she did, then she should have been honest with him in the first place.
I think they should both try to work it out, but to say that his reaction to her lieing, in essence, about their future as a couple was blown out of proportion is ridiculous.
Trust is the most important thing in a relationship, and this woman lied to get him to marry her, even though she knew his want for kids of his own.
She should have been honest with him about her problem in the beginning — who knows, he may have come to the realization that he loves her anyway, and would be willing to consider adoption.
BUT! He never got that chance to react, and now he is the bad guy because he wants a divorce? I'm sorry, but who knows what else she is hiding for the sake of hanging on to him? I don't like the idea of divorce either, and maybe he can move on. But if this happened to me, I would be really left with the feeling that I didn't know this person at all, and based on what they did — I wouldn't want to!
She should not have lied. She says she loved the guy, but I think that if she really loved him she would not have lied to him. It may have been hard for her to face the fact that they may not have gotten married because she couldn't have children, but just imagine what he is going through. He married someone that he thought he was going to have a family with, like they had talked about, then two years later she tells him that she can't have children and knew before they got married. He has got to feel like a total idiot, especially now that she has publicized their issues on the radio! I don't blame him at all for leaving her.
I can't believe she would lie for years about something so important to their future. My husband and I are going through infertility problems right now and I can't imagine not sharing everything together. I am the source of the problem, but it is obviously our problem together. I couldn't go through all of it alone and would never want to. I love my husband and can't fathom keeping something so personal a lie. Yeah, it's a tough thing to go through, but if the person really loves you, they will love you no matter what.
I understand what ya'll are saying about the relationship built on a lie, and Im not defending the woman, because she is in the wrong, and Im sure that both of them are having a difficult time. I would like to hear the outcome of all this. I dont think the guy will leave her, if its true love nothing will be able to stop it. I just think that at the time she was head over heels for this guy and didnt want to loose him, for something that she couldnt help. Who knows maybe he would have been understanding if she would have told him from the get go, but we cant go back in time, they just have to live for today. But yes I do understand where yall are coming from.
Love will only take you so far, you gotta have trust and honesty in a relationship. If you don't have that, you have nothing. This woman made a conscious effort every day to lie to her husband about something so very important to him - she had no right to be that selfish. She should have been honest the first time they discussed having children - and let it be his decision on whether or not he wanted to pursue the relationship. It's not her fault, no, but it's her fault whether to lie about it. There was/is someone else out there who will love her who maybe doesn't think having biological children is that important, but it obviously was to her husband, and she was WRONG. He was right to leave - how could he ever trust her again? How very, very selfish of her!! Adoption is a beautiful thing, but so is looking into the eyes of a child born blood of your blood. How dare she rob him of that - intentionally!
She knowingly deceived him, how would he ever be able to trust her again? That is just low of her. Not that walking out on her isn't low of him, but I don't think I could stay with someone I loved after finding out they had lied to me for years!
I feel that she brought this on herself. I'm sure the guilt she felt already was a lot to deal with, but now she's seeing a concrete reason why she was wrong.
Who knows, had she been up front from the beginning, she might still be married to this man.
If she didn't feel comfortable enough to share the fact that she couldn't have children, the couple never should have gotten married in the first place.
If she didn't feel comfortable enough to share the fact that she couldn't have children, the couple never should have gotten married in the first place.
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