Who comes first: girlfriend or mom?
Some men just don't know when to cut the cord.
We've all heard horror stories where a man can't stand up to his mom and lets her (a) walk all over him or (b) walk all over his girlfriend/wife. The girlfriend/wife often gets fed up with her man/boy, and threatens him to choose her or his mom. Disaster strikes when he chooses his mom.
Now, to a certain extent, being a "momma's boy" is OK. If your significant other loves him mom, treats her well and looks after her, that's a sign of a man with a good heart. It's when he constantly looks to her for approval and swallows every word as if it were covered in chocolate that you have a problem.
But what can a good girlfriend do about it? She can swallow her pride and put up with it, but that's no good for her own sanity. Or she could kick him to the curb, as this one advice columnist advises.
Personally, I think first you should try to talk to your guy about what he's doing and why it bothers you. If he's just asking mom for advice all the time, ask him if maybe he could come to you or (gasp!) make his own decisions for once. If he's letting him mom bad mouth you and not standing up to her, you should tell him you won't stand for that and if he doesn't clean up his act, you're gone.
Of course, if talking doesn't work, sometimes you just have to break up. Pretty soon he'll learn that there are certain things he can get from you that he can never get from his mom.
Have any of you had experience with a momma's boy? What did you do? Guys, have you ever had to choose between your lover and your mom? This is a two-way street, too. What about daddy's little girls?
We've all heard horror stories where a man can't stand up to his mom and lets her (a) walk all over him or (b) walk all over his girlfriend/wife. The girlfriend/wife often gets fed up with her man/boy, and threatens him to choose her or his mom. Disaster strikes when he chooses his mom.
Now, to a certain extent, being a "momma's boy" is OK. If your significant other loves him mom, treats her well and looks after her, that's a sign of a man with a good heart. It's when he constantly looks to her for approval and swallows every word as if it were covered in chocolate that you have a problem.
But what can a good girlfriend do about it? She can swallow her pride and put up with it, but that's no good for her own sanity. Or she could kick him to the curb, as this one advice columnist advises.
Personally, I think first you should try to talk to your guy about what he's doing and why it bothers you. If he's just asking mom for advice all the time, ask him if maybe he could come to you or (gasp!) make his own decisions for once. If he's letting him mom bad mouth you and not standing up to her, you should tell him you won't stand for that and if he doesn't clean up his act, you're gone.
Of course, if talking doesn't work, sometimes you just have to break up. Pretty soon he'll learn that there are certain things he can get from you that he can never get from his mom.
Have any of you had experience with a momma's boy? What did you do? Guys, have you ever had to choose between your lover and your mom? This is a two-way street, too. What about daddy's little girls?
posted by Anonymous at 11:39 AM
89 Comments:
A therapist on a television show once said, "Your mom will love you no matter what, but not your wife." I think this is a very true statement! Choose wisely men!
Run and run as fast as you can! I experienced a relationship like this and let me tell you - it's not worth it. I left my boyfriend so he could be with his mother. Everywhere we went she was there and I just couldn't take it anymore. He has a new girlfriend and I don't know if his mother is still involved but knowing him she is. He lives at home!
You can spend you whole life waiting for these men. If that's what you want, then stay, but if having a relationship with a husband is what you want, these are NOT the men to date or wait for. They will always put their mothers first before any other woman. These men are usually living at home beyond the age of 30 and mom is still cooking for them.
To the person who said, "your mom will love you no matter what, but not your wife"....
It seems like this was written by one of these "mother enmeshed men". Mom will not live forever. It's sick to think that any other woman will "love you no matter what". That's just plain immature and unrealistic!! Wives and girlfriends are not supposed to love a man "no matter what" and neither should men love women "no matter what", personal values don't go out the door once you're married. How stupid !!!!! Grow Up!
If you are with a mother enmeshed man then I would run, men that are soo attached to their mamma's have psychological problems that no good woman/girlfriend/wife could ever fix.
I was married to a 38 year old man that had a widowed mother who wanted to be with her son all the time. They shared a bank account, mailbox, lived 2 blocks away from each other. They had Sunday night dinners, Thursday night hot tubs and it was like she was in love with him.
These type of men struggle between trying to move on in their life and commit and the loyaly that they have learned from the controlling, selfish mother.
Believe me these mother's exist and a woman will never gain her boyfriend/husband's real love and committment until he realizes he has a problem and get 'control' of his life. Counselling often is the only way that these men come to really realize the degree and seriousness of their behaviour.
I was married to man like this and he left our marriage for his mother. She now has a room of her own with him. It's been a sad time for sure. I don't wish it on anyone. We also have a son together and I worry for his own life that his father is screwd up.
Be careful ladies, these MEM (mother enmeshed men) are troubled. I ignored the writing on the wall.
Do you think MEM will be able to love his wife after his mother dies? Do you think his psychological problem can be gone after his mother dies? I met a man who only dates a woman his mother approves, not the one he really likes. But he seems a very nice and mature man in other areas of life, except that he obeys his mother 100%. His mom always comes first, even before his own needs.
I married someone like this too, I actually did say, restrict your mother's influence in our life, or I'm gone. He did--and resented me every moment afterwards. If mommy wasn't going to be happy because my husband wasn't allowed to cater to her anymore, neither was I going to be happy. He even admitted he was happy being his mother's doormat. The marriage sucks and he believes it's my fault. And it sucked from the honeymoon which was combined with a family cruise when he was afraid to sit with me at a show because his mother would be upset.
As he said recently: "Why can't you just accommodate her?" Umm...because she hit me in the face? Umm...because she told me straight out that if I didn't please her she'd ruin my relationship with my husband? Umm...because she tries to turn kids against their parents, husbands against wives, brother against brother. Umm...because she lies, backstabs, slanders, meddles, interferes and is pushy too. However, she also cries a lot (or as I call it, snivels), so dearest husband feels sorry for her and obligated to make peace.
So my life is hell, I get no emotional support, and according to my husband, it's all my own fault because I can't be forgiving and let her have YET another chance.
Never, never, never...I don't care what the cost--keep the snivelling hag away from me.
im goin through the same with my guy but i don even know his mom to hate me but she is goin crazy if we go out or even talk on the phone n she keeps tellin him im a bad girl she is so pissin me off n i don knw wht to do im basically backin off from my bf thats t waitin to see how il t end up
Ladies, unfortunately, these men never change. Read "when he's married to Mom". It helped me stay sane and realize that i wasn't crazy/selfish/unforgiving/jealous...everything that my ex would accuse me of. There are several checklists that will allow you to easily recognize the characteristics of the mother and son's unhealthy relationship. The problem is called "Enmeshment" and it's real! I hoped for 3 years thinking that I could detach from the dysfunction, but it hurt me very much emotionally. A woman who dates a man who is enmeshed with his mother will always feel Rejected, Angry and hurt! He essentially is married to his mom which leaves the girlfriend feeling like the other woman. God help all of us women to love ourselves and recognize that we deserve better! God loves us and He wants us to be in loving relationships! God did not make a son for his mother. In fact he says, "a man leaves his mother and his father and clings to his wife". If he doesn't put his girlfriend first now, he won't later. Many of these men are so hurt themselves they do not realize exactly what they are doing. There is hope, but the man has to want to change and take the steps to move his feet. If he is not directly addressing these issues with mom, leave. We deserve a man that is available to commit! Get the book...it will put so many things into perspective for you! God Bless us!
O.K. Check this out-I'm really hoping I'm not the only one in THIS situation, because I could use some input. I have been in a "relationship" with a quy I work with for almost 2 years. . .He's 49 and never been married. . .Here comes the creepy part. . .He's only lived on his own for about 6 years (2 Blocks from Mom & Dad) Almost every minute he is involved with them and/or his sister & her family. I am basically "on call", can't make plans together because "they" might have plans for him or need him to do something. . .Stay with me, it get's creepier. . .From what I understand, he has NEVER brought a girl home to meet his family. . .I only know about 2 other relationships he has had besides me. . .As far as I know, they don't know he has, or has ever had a girlfriend. . .His Dad is a Baptist Minister. . .and everyone says his Mom is a B@tch. He eats supper with them almost every night, and I'm pretty sure Mom still does his laundry. . . I know I'm stupid for still being "here" and for whatever it's worth, I Love him, and hope, for his sake, he comes around someday (even if it's not with me. . .)but, that hope is dwindling faster by the minute!!!
My boyfriend and I got together when I was 16 and we've been together since (11 years on) and through it all, his mom's been really nice to me. That's why I didn't understand WHY it bothered me that they were so close but I always convinced myself that his mom and I had a great relationship and so it didn't matter. For the first few years of our relationship, she used to hang out with us ALL the time - or rather, it was like I was hanging out with him and his mom. And his dad was pretty abusive so she latched on to her son, 'cause her husband was emotionally unavailable to her. I realize now that she became close to me because that was the only way to stay involved in her son's life - and she used to keep talking about how the three of us were a 'team' and that we were the ones who understood each other perfectly. I've gotten close to my sister and my parents of late (we weren't close before but we are now) and she's definitely threatened by it. She gets insecure if my boyfriend has ANY close relationship that she isn't a part of (he has ONE friend living in our city and nobody else he hangs out with) and she shows her insecurity by being depressed and down and then trying to do nice things for us (maybe even not consciously, but she's definitely looking for sympathy from her son). The interesting thing is, she's kind of made up a little with her husband and if her husband's home, she hardly even calls us. But the minute he leaves (he travels frequently) she insists on spending ALL the time with us. I can't even remember the number of times my boyfriend and I have had plans and he's cancelled because his dad's away and his mom wants to hang out. He has become a LOT better recently - he makes it more clear that I come first, he realizes that a lot of stuff he and his mom did isn't normal (they shared a bed and a bedroom till he was 22!) He also knows that she is insecure about him having a life of his own... but he feels too sorry for her to do anything. And he tells me that I have to change and be warmer to her (I do have a problem being warm to people as a whole, and I'm working on it, but it's pretty clear that he just prioritizes me being warm to HER). But he never tells her SHE has to change. She claims that I'm as important to her as her son, but I know this isn't true because there have been a couple of times when she's made it very clear that she is on his side against me (not outright though, but it's obvious). He is the most important person to her and she has NO life of her own and she just looks really sad and depressed whenever she's feeling insecure so his heart goes out to her. I know that my boyfriend WANTS to put me first, and he has said to me several times recently that I AM the number one in his life... we are soul mates in every way and I really love our relationship... but I don't think he realizes the extent to which he has a dysfunctional relationship with his mom, or the extent to which she is (consciously or unconsciously) damaging him and his self-esteem. He has had trouble growing up, standing on his own feet, being sexually mature, and finding a direction - and I do feel that this 'emotional incest' is contributing to his problems. He used to tell his mom that we had sex every morning after. He says he's really lucky to have his mom and girlfriend who both care for him so much, which pisses me off so much I don't even know why. He feels guilty telling his mom the truth that I'm first in his life, so he leads her into thinking otherwise. We've helped each other through many problems in the past and I want to be able to work this out with him too, but as far as his mom goes, he will never ask HER to change because to him, I can take care of myself but she needs him to take care of her. I do think that if not for him and me living together, she would have left her husband and they would be living together! Also, she is really a good person inside despite her faults so I would really like this to be a win-win for everybody, but I don't know what to do... I also feel bad for my boyfriend because he's lost too! Sorry for the long post... just needed to rant. Thanks for listening!
I have two comments about other posters’ comments. And then I will rant about my own, and hope someone will have an insight.
1->>>”He feels guilty telling his mom the truth that I'm first in his life, so he leads her into thinking otherwise.”
You know what that means? Both can’t be true. AS long as he cannot tell his mom, you can’t be his number one. I also assume that you are not married after 11 years of dating. Sorry to sound harsh or cause a rude awakening, but I think (after reading so many books on this topic) that he is not fully committed to you—at least until he divorces his mom.
2-Some of these examples are really creepy that your guy practically lives with his mom (no past marriages, girlfriends, living next block, etc), but even if he looks independent on the surface, the loyalty to the mom can haunt him (and you) from a gazzilion miles away.
3-“Do you think MEM will be able to love his wife after his mother dies? Do you think his psychological problem can be gone after his mother dies?”
I guess. It happened with my dad; he was able to break his rage with his mom shortly before her death, and only then (like 30+ years) could he have an obviously intimate relationship with my mom. Now…. “coincidentally” I find myself in a relationship with a MEM. I am fed up with it, he buys my theory that he is a MEM and agrees that change needs to happen, but then as soon as we make plans for gradual changes in his relationship with his mom he chickens out… Not only that, but he also finds “rational” explanations for why changing the plan is better, when I know for sure that he simply fears being disloyal to his mom, and when I tell him these observations he gets mad and tells me I am being too irrational and obsessed with his family system. Now what? How much hope is there?
UGhhhhhh!!! I am so glad I can share my experience with other people, who seem to have had the same exact experience as me (and I thought I was all alone). I dated a guy for about one year, we were in love, everything was great. Then I started to pressure him to commit to me. I made it clear to him that I wanted to try to live in the same city with him, even though I was applying to grad school, so that we could continue dating. I loved him and wanted our relationship to continue.
He always had an ambivalent attitude about it, and told me that if we "happened" to live in the same city, then we could keep dating, and if not, then we wouldn't, and "destiny would tell", and all other kinds of crap. For the longest time, I thought he wasn't that into me, and that he probably didn't want to commit in the slightest way. However, he really seemed to be in love with me, so I was very confused.
It turns out that the real problem lied in the fact that he can't commit to any relationship that's far away from his mother. His mother had been pressuring him for the past six years to move back to LA with her after he graduated from law school.
His personal background was typical of the mother-enmeshed man. His father left when he was five and he became the "man of the house". His mother relies on him for logistical and emotional support. She cooks and cleans and does laundry for him - and in return he resolves all her problems, supports her financially, and entertains her. He provides all of the services a husband is supposed to provide, except (I hope) for sexual services.
Essentially, he left the relationship with me to be with his mother.He talks to his mother about everything, including intimate details about our relationship, and in the meantime, I finally realized (all to late) that she was passive agressively getting him to leave me and go back home.
He has a good job and makes more than enough money, but he is moving back home to live with his mom (even though he could very well move back to LA and get a place of his own). He is 28, soon to be 29 years old.
His younger brother is married, and kicked his mother out of the house more than once, and even banned her from it for a while. It turns out his younger brother got spared from his mother's influence and has learned how to stand up to her. He has gotten married and has been able to form a bond with his wife, and will not allow his mother to control his household or tell him how to raise his daughter.
My ex-boyfriend on the other hand, does everything for his mother and fails to understand his brother's "irrational" and "selfish" behavior.
I recently ended a two + year relationship with a MEM and it came down to an ultimatum on my part because he made so many promises to commit, but was just too stymied to act on them. He didn't want to end our 'relationship' but he was incapable of moving beyond weekend visits, and could not bear the thought of leaving his mother's home because she needs him..she really, really NEEDS him... The funny thing about it, is that his mom is truly a lovely woman and is nothing like the stereotypical MEM mom. She wants him to be in a committed relationship, and I know she truly likes me.
I didn't take the decision of the ultimatum lightly and although I knew full well what the outcome would be, I'm still crushed....Live and learn, right?
Whatever these guys will never change as long as mama is still alive, mama will always be number one. Just leave them girls! I was in a two year relationship with such a man and I am so emotionally hurt over it that I am having hard time, even after 5 years of being single and not because I am ugly but because I am deathly afraid of ending up with another mama's boy, trusting men again. These guys need therapy, but since I am not sexist, so do daddy's girls for that matter. Both sexes are screwed up.
I would never go to a therapist who makes a comment such the one posted. Not much of therapist, but they definitely need to seek therapy.
I would never go to a therapist who made the comment about how a mom will love you no matter what...because some Moms don't love you no matter what...and it sounds like this person NEEDS therapy..not giving it.
This is a very tricky thing and depends on the situation. I have a problem with my g.f. who keeps talking about me spending time with my mom but wants to have her mom move in with us! Of course, if a man is unreasonable and doesn't do enough about his wife/g.f. you have a problem, but women are so possissive and sometimes ''enough time with them'' could mean ''all the time with them'' with no exceptions allowed. To the women involved, I would suggest to be reasonable and understand the particular situation. Are you sure that by being unreasonable you won't lose a good man? Finally, a man who treats his mom badly is not worth a penny. Perhaps your desire to have it all is clouding your judgement. Perhaps not, but do thing about it and be reasonable by giving him some space. In many situations a tactful wife/g.f. can create happiness for all involved. I think that this is possible in spite of what various super possessive women say.
Some women out there CAN be possessive, but there are too many mother's out there who do wicked things like when the bf or dh is not in ear shot, they say covertly hostile things or just outright hostile things. Or the manipulation through threats or pretending to be sick or jealous rages! My future mother in-law was going to kick my fiance out of the house or make him turn in to jail early(long story, he's innocent, but we're in Pennsylvania) because he was late helping to move a refrigerator! Then when he stepped out I had to hear her anger about him wanting to purchase a wedding ring for us because of the jealousy! She is keeping him socially cripple by doing his laundry, cooking and paying all his bills so she can hold it over his head and make him feel bad when he does not bend to her will! She SAYS she wants him to do it on his own and she's tired of it, but if she was a good mother she would not do this for him she would MAKE him do it himself! How is he suppose to learn? That's it! She doesn't want him to learn! She wants to keep him in her grasp while covering up with the "I'm tired of..." He just shrugs it off and says she wasn't always like this but I believe the opposite! I have observed over a year of her passive aggressive comments towards me and her son and her fits when he does not do her bidding quickly enough. He is blind and will not recognize the unhealthy behavior he is SO blind in fact he can't even admit this is who she is and I don't want to marry that! I want my own life with him when he is done with his time! I don't need this stress and hostility in my life! So it is more than possessiveness, it is MOMMY and all the nasty little manipulative things they do in front of their son or to the gf or dw when he's not looking!!! People need to read Silent Seduction and realize there's a problem because it isn't just a woman letting go of a good man,
but a man choosing his MOMMY over a good woman!! Wake up men or you will never have a happy marriage and leave a trail of angry women behind who YOU will blame and your MOMMY will be waiting with open claws to take you back! But one day, guys she's going to die and you are going to be a lonely loser who learned NOTHING in this life accept how to piss women off because you never gave all of yourself since most of you belonged to MOMMY!!!! I will NEVER do that to my son! He cooks himself and I give him space and am just a parent to him and I make him EARN what he wants! He will be self sufficient and successful in this life and I will gladly welcome his wife! Go ahead! Help my son be a man! I did what I could do when he was a child!
I was in an gut-wrenching relationship with a MEM husband who had never been married until the age of 45 (and no relationships any longer than 3 years until I came along). He did not live near his mother nor did he talk about her or visit her much. But what I found out too late was that he unconsciously resented his mother from earlier in life.
His father was mostly absent (was in the navy and shipped out for 6 months out of 12 for the first several years of my husband's life) and so my husband was the surrogate 'husband' to his demanding and emotionally unstable mother for most of his young life. His dad was either absent or abusive.
After I was involved with husband and we got married, the newness wore off and the relationship work needed to be started. However, the closer I tried to get to him, the angrier he seemed to get. After about 2 years of married life (and about 4 years of being together) he eventually got extremely difficult to be around; nothing I did seemed to please him (in fact everything I did seemed to piss him off).
Eventually I began to take long periods 'off' from our relationship, like spending 4 months at my mom's house (when my mom was gone) in another state. During that time I got an interesting birthday card from HIS mother--telling me (in the card) that her son and I just weren't ever going to get along and that we should just admit it and move on with our individual lives. LIKE IT WAS ANY OF HER DAMNED BUSINESS.
Anyway, after I finally went home, my husband started pushing me around physically and I called the police. He spent one night in jail and had to take domestic violence classes for one year (and one year on probation). He dropped all pretense of trying to work on our marriage and filed for divorce. After I left, I realized one huge and important fact: he unconsciously saw me as the mother that he had totally resented for making him please her (by making her son the surrogate husband) because I ended up triggering him by making some of the same demands his mother had made on him (needing and asking for closeness).
I doubt that he will ever realize or understand the problem he has with his relationship with his mother and will certainly never seek help. I still love him very much but see this as a no-win situation. He is a substance abuser as he tries to escape his miserable and totally alone existence, and could never admit that he has MOTHER issues that need to be resolved so that he can live his own life--rather he will continue the cycle that has been going on since he left his original faming by waiting for another woman to come along so that he can (eventually) start resenting her for just being a woman. Such a shame and a waste.
I'm the Anonymous who wrote above about how her husband wouldn't sit with his bride (me) on our combined honeymoon/family cruise because his mommy would be upset. I'm the one above who's MIL hit her in the face.
Well, it got worse and worse. He got to the point where he was lying to his family to make me look bad--it was the only way he could get positive attention from them. Then he lied to me about them. He told me his SIL told him families (of origin) are forever, but wives are replaceable, then he told me he said it to her, then he said he just thought that was what she was thinking, then he said that's what he was thinking while he was driving. Always a lie, always a game, nonstop crazymaking just to put me in the wrong, to give him a reason to be angry at me--when in truth he was angry at his own inadequacy to grow up.
He was drinking heavily, would start first thing in the morning if he wasn't working. Always picking fights with me. Set me up for hurt on our anniversary, was becoming more and more blatantly rude and insulting, and finally shoved me into the refrigerator. Police removed him from the house and I had a restraining order for 6 weeks (which he violated).
Now we are divorcing. He's a custodial single parent now who hangs out in bars and sometimes takes his kids. He mooches off other for housing and child care, and is so filled with self pity and self righteous rage he sounds like his mother. It's only a matter of time before he moves back home to mommy.
An alcoholic momma's boy. Just incredible how effed up these men are.
Anyway, almost from the minute the police removed him from the house, I've been so relieved, so happy. I was giddy with relief the first night. I haven't slept so well in years, I'm happy, energetic, look forward to the future, and have the interest of normal men. I had fogotten how charming and attractive real men could be. This is so much better.
If you have one of these men, run, run, run. They won't miss you--they've got mommy. But your life will be so much better.
I have been dating a for two years and our relationship is not at a crossroads because he wants us to live with his extended family. I cannot imagine my life this way. I asked if we can compromise and live near them but he insists that whoever makes him choose between his folks he will choose his folks. As hard as it is going to be for both of us we must move on. But its sad these kind of men dont understand the pain this causes. Why dont they come live with our families or mothers?
EDIT to last post---I have been dating a man for two years and our relationship is now at a crossroads because he wants us to live with his extended family. I cannot imagine my life this way. I asked if we can compromise and live near them but he insists that whoever makes him choose between his folks he will choose his folks. As hard as it is going to be for both of us we must move on. But its sad these kind of men dont understand the pain this causes. Why dont they come live with our families or mothers?
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what do you do if you finacaly supported by your mother? and you still have to pick? i am 19 years old and my girlfriend and my mom has ... let's say they dont get along together. I let somtimes my mom to get in our relationship, but that i realise myself. i didnt let that happen again. but somehow my girlfriend still tells me to pick. she wants me to quit college and find a job and go out live with her. i wanna really do that but not until i can support her finacaly. as in when i finish college.
Try being a mother to a son. Try bearing nudger in your tummy for 9 months. I hope that you would understand that we only want the best for our sons. Its not that we are selfish, controlling or that we have psychological problems. It comes within when you become a mother. Yes, moms do not live forever, but as long as they are breathing, the love exists. I know because I am a mother and i see just how much my mother loves my brother and the rest of us (even though right now she's bedridden). Those of you who can't agree with these may have been loved less by their mothers.
I believe that a man who loves and respects her mother will do the same to their wives, (only if the wife understands).
This is my opinion.
To the "mother of a son", I am also a mother of a son, there is a difference between "love and respect" for your mother, and complete obsession. DEATH DID NOT CHANGE THAT FOR ME. My husband lived at home until we got married, he was 34 years old. His life revolved around her, even though his father was right there, my husband took over the role of husband. He was her best friend, husband, and son. His thoughts/words were hers, he called her morning, midmorning, lunch, after work, at night. she talked badly of me, and monopolized his every thought. We got married, on our honeymoon, he insisted on calling her everyday, WHAT? that was OUR time! She died 2 months after our wedding, it is now a year later, he is in a deep depression, angry at the world, rages at me and my son, we have no relationship. he says he now has nothing to live for. we walk on egg shells around our house, he told us to keep our smiles and laughs to ourselves: MY SON IS ONLY 7 years old, how can you say that to a child? I don't know how much longer I can take of this. YES, there is a line that needs to form between a mother-son relationsnhip, if your son cannot function as a father,husband, friend, takes his extreme anger out on others even after his mothers death, there is and was a problem.
My bf is too attached to his mom. He has his own place but still has his mail going to her house. He is retired at 40 years from the military so he visits her everyday while I'm at work (is at my house as soon as I get off work, then leaves in the a.m. when I go to work). He does his laundry there (he doesn't like public washing machines) and washes his car there (he lives in an apt.), eats meals there, despite that I offered him the use of my home to do these things. The problem with it is that his mom still has too much influence over him. Even if he doesn't do what she thinks he should do, he ends up being bothered by it to the point that we can't enjoy our time together and he can't sleep at night. We can make a decision on something, but the next day after being at his mother house, he becomes very indecisive. She puts guilt trips on him if he isn't at her 'beck and call'. She'll say things like, "Bob does everything for your aunt Ruby, you should be doing more for me. I need help around here". Well, he does help her, but he can't always be there. They will argue about it, but he will end up feeling guilty. She tells him that sometimes it's better to be alone because you never know who your getting entangled with. That's fine for her to say when she was married for many years until her husband passed away. I don't believe it's because she doesn't like me, I just don't think she wants him to be with anyone. I say this because she has said that she didn't want her other son to visit from away with his wife of less than a month. Personally, I thought that was a strange thing for her to say because my parents always got excited when my siblings came home with their spouses. According to my bf, she has always been controlling, never letting him make any decisions for himself while he was growing up, not even when it came to the clothes he wore. He has also told me how manipulative she has been many times. As a result of all of this, he suffers from anxiety. So, then why does he continually fall for it and feel guilty if he knows what she's about. There is more, but I think you get the idea.
The last situation infuriated me so much that my bf and I haven't spoken for the past few days. Anyway, what happened is that my bf offered to take his mom back to her hometown and asked me to come. Originally, I declined, but my bf said that he wanted me to go as a buffer because the last time they travelled together for a day trip(which was by car), they were not talking for hours because they had argued, and he ended up dozing off and almost in the ditch. I did agree to go on the trip, but would only have 6 days off, when she wanted to go for 7 days. My bf told me that he was only going for 5 full days and we'd fly home on the 6th day. So, I put my leave in and was beginning to get excited because it was a place I've always wanted to visit but hadn't. Well, that was not good enough for her, she has to have 7 full days there. Therefore, without hesitation, I got ousted from the trip. His mother would still get to see the place where she grew up and several surrounding areas as well. I blame this on my bf. Instead of telling his mother that he only wants to be there for 5 days and that I don't have 7 days of vacation left, he thoughtlessly pushed me out of the trip. If it were my parents, they would have happily agreed to reduce the amount of days. What mommy wants, mommy gets. I wish that he would have the guts to stand up to her and do so without guilt.
I do love him, but I'm going to cut my losses because nothing is going to change with him. I will never be his top priority and will always have to deal with the aftermath of her manipulation and control.
I think the only therapy that helps is Emotional Focused Therapy by Sue Johnson. I am married to a MEM and it has been a living he**. With EFT it is getting better but it is a long long road. I wish I would have known what I know now before I got married, I would have run as far as I could and never looked back. Therapy is the only thing that will help even if the guy says he can work it through alone. Not possible, need help connecting to their own emotions after not having been allowed to have emotions other than the mothers. I think there should be much more awareness out there as this is a huge factor in more and more divorces because it starts another cycle of MEM and Father enmeshed girls.
I thought I was the only one going through this. Thanks to all who have posted above, this has been very enlightening for me as I didn't know what a MEM was. I have my own children and love them dearly but one has to live their life when they become an adult and make their own decisions be it mistakes or good decisions. Its hard when you love someone because love can't be turned off like a switch! I am mortified now because I am very in love with a man in this situation for whatever reason and I have no hope for us now. He is a very good hearted man but I now know the reason for my scuffles with him as I have been let down many times when he couldn't be there for me while he was keeping the peace with his mother. He told me lastnight that he wanted to take it slow because he didn't want his mother to make him choose between me & her. I feel hopeless.
Wow! I didnt know others have experienced the same thing I am! I have been married to a mem for 11 years now. Only recently have I come to understand that Im really not crazy, jealous, manipulative, like they, my husband and his mom, like to protray me as. I am working on getting out of this with our 2 kids, ages 11, and 13. Why did I not listen to my gut and waist all these years!
I don't know whether to laugh or cry - it's great I'm not the only one feeling like this, but upsetting to hear that most of these relationships have broken down. Surely it can be possible to un-mesh a man from his mother?
My boyfriend is 35 (I'm 33), he still lives at home, I'm his first serious girlfriend and he says he loves me and wants to have children with me. But at the moment, he won't even move in with me because he says he can't leave his mum by herself. He thinks it would kill her to be on her own - but actually I think she could cope fine, she just doesn't want to. She does whatever she can to keep him around - cooks him his favourite childhood meals (even though she should encourage him to eat healthily, he likes burger and chips so that's what she cooks), does his laundry etc, and always creates situations where she needs him to do things for her. Her husband has left her and she seems to treat her son as a replacement for her husband.
I'm praying that I can get my boyfriend to move in with me soon and that when he does - even though his mother will only be ten minutes away - some of the ties will start to be broken. I know he will see a lot of her and I understand that, but at the moment I feel like we both want to share him and she's winning. What's interesting is that his younger brother moved out of home years ago and has a wife and children. I sometimes want to ask my boyfriend's mum why she won't allow him to have these things, but the only comment she's made is that she won't stand in his way when he wants to move out - but I think she knows he will never tell her he wants to move out, because she makes him feel that she needs him so much.
I've decided I'm going to wait another 6 months and ask him to move in with me - we've discussed it lots already, but this time I'm going to make a formal proposal - and if he says no, I'll ask him why, and when he does envisage us moving in together, and if he can't make a commitment then I'll tell him we need to have a serious talk about our relationship. I don't want to give him an ultimatum and make him choose between his mum and me, because I think I will probably lose, but I'm 33, never been married, have no children, and I can't help but think that if I don't start things moving in that direction soon by living together - or finding a man who is capable of giving me the things I want - then it will get to the point where I'm too old to have children any more.
Me again (poster from above).. did I mention that my annual vacation this year is with my boyfriend, and his mum?? She told him she wanted to go to America (we live in the UK) on a 2 week road trip and that she wanted him to come with her (to do all the driving, funnily enough) and he said yes - without asking me. He promised it wouldn't stop us having a vacation together, but then later admitted he couldn't afford two big holidays and couldn't do a 2 week holiday with me as well as he didn't have enough time off work. So my only choice if I wanted a proper holiday with my boyfriend was to agree to go with him and his mum. She's planned the whole trip and the itinerary and I get dirty looks whenever I suggest changing it to do something I want to do. I think it's going to be awful, and possibly quite damaging to my relationship with my boyfriend - I guess it depends how he behaves when we are away together. In some ways it might be a good thing to do this, as when we come back from holiday if it's been difficult he will realise that he can't expect me to allow his mum to be the 3rd person in our relationship. It will also allow me to say that I've really tried and made a big effort, after all none of my friends would agree to go on holiday with their partner's mum. And if my boyfriend can't appreciate what I've done for him, and realise that now things need to change, then maybe there's no future for us.
Sorry to say but YOU will probably be the 3rd person in this relationship.
This happened to me. I had to break it off. I guess I'm supposed to learn some sort of lesson from this? Ugh.
My 28 yr old boyfriend is enmeshed and still lives as home as dose his 40 year old brother. Mum still cooks cleans his room and dose his laundry. He says she likes doing it cause she is lonley but I think its sick. He invites her out with us and calls her and she calls him all the time. I feel like she is jealous of me and he feels the need to make up to her for the time he spends with me example. If we go to a resteraunt and she knows he will feel the need to take her there a few days after. I'm over it. This blog has helped me realise there is no changing a man like this. I'm running for the hills. Thank you
You seem so level headed. Thank you. Going through this myself and I feel like I am crazy because I am the only one who is affected. I am married to this wonderful man and I know he and his mother have been through situations in life that may have caused this behavior, and want everyone to be happy. It's just that I think if I were happy, and they detached themselves from each other, I would end up feeling guilty and selfish. I need therapy!
What seams like a long time ago, I was in this situation. I was with my ex-boyfriend for 1.5 years (ex-boyfriend was 33 years old). Initially when we met, he had just moved out of his parents house and he had moved to my city for a job. He would drive to spend the weekend with his mom every other weekend, and he always had some excuse for not making plans with me. I missed all the red flags: He shared bank accounts with his mom (not his dad). All of his clothing (including underwear) was bought by his mom. All the furniture and decorations in his house were bought by his mom. He couldn't cook (even simple stuff like warming up chicken nuggets). He didn't know where things were in his kitchen because his mom set everything up. He never cleaned his bathroom (his mom would do that when she visited). He was completely dependent on her for advice in life choices. And he would never disagree with her. For example: his mom disapproved of videogames so he never played except with friends. I bought him a video game he really wanted for his birthday and he was ecstatic. However his mom's guilt kept him from ever playing it.
One red flag was missing: his parents were married. However, his mom would talk bad about her husband and my ex-boyfriend would echo everything she said. My ex-boyfriend and his dad did not have a good relationship. I could tell that his dad didn't really like him, which was sad. His dad largely ignored my ex but occasionally would yell at him for minor things.
He talked to his mom several times everyday and told her everything even most intimate details. I mean everything; I would not be surprised if she knew how often he went to the bathroom. He worshiped her like a god and he could not find any faults in her.
Despite this, one day, he took me to look at engagement rings. After this day, his mom started yanking the leash. She wanted him to move back home. She wanted him to visit every weekend and stay during the weeks. She told him I didn't care about him because I didn't track where he was every minute of the day. [My response: he was 34 years old, he would call if he got into trouble]. We started fighting, which stopped any talks of marriage.
One day I told him he had a choice: me or his mom. He chose his mom. This was the end of our relationship. The break up was very hard at first. He was not a bad guy; he was just married to another woman. It was not until months later I realized how unhappy I was in the relationship. I was depressed, angry, anxious, and had low self-esteem while I was with him. It took me a while to recover. I try to think positively of everything. I hope that through my break up, he re-evaluated the situation. If he was truly happy being married to his mom, I hope he never tried to marry someone else. If he was not truly happy, maybe he was able to change over the years.
Two years later, I am married to a wonderful man, and we are expecting our first child.
I write to tell everyone. You can walk away and find someone new. No regrets! I learned a lot from that relationship. After the relationship, I had super power radar for guys who could not emotionally connect and I dumped them in a hurry. I knew my husband was the one very quickly; it was a true emotional connection. I certainly made my share of mistakes which I learned from. Mistakes I have not made with my husband. For these reasons, I am grateful, even if the relationship was painful. It brought me to my husband who I want to spend the rest of my life with.
PS: My husband has a great relationship with his mom AND his dad. Once I saw him and his dad together, I knew I had nothing to worry about.
Thank you for writing this. I just want out of my marriage but am scared for my daughter. I can see this being passed on between her and my husband. If we end it I'm afraid he'd have even more control/emeshment with her. I'm just sick about it.
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Brilliant. Couldn't agree more.
You need to keep boundaries with your mom and let your girlfriend know how you feel. College and being able to support her is important to you. It also never hurt to get a little relationship counseling so that you and your girlfriend know how to handle situations with your mom.!!
Mother enmeshed men situations are different. There is a lot of manipulation and guilt played by the mother on or towards her son, so that he feels like he must do what his mother wants or "needs." He is not able to be happy and have his own life if his mother isn't happy and she is never happy.
Lots of helpful insight here. What about this one: a man whose "EX" wife has become his surrogate "Mom"..true!My therapist suggested that "Bill" couldn't emotionally leave "Susie" because even tho they were divorced 10 years, he still ran to her for his emotional fix. Yes,he was dating me (and others...womanizer) couldn't commit to one because somehow he'd be disloyal to HER. The cycle was convenient but sick. He' inevitably break up with women and then GUESS WHO would comfort him??....his EX (b/c she knew him best, her perfect role) So, doesn't mean he's MEM w his MOM, could be any woman. In this case his ex.Therapist said "Very convoluted situation." Good news, I ran!
Should i be worried, that my bf and i are soon to be married and he tells me "my mother is probably the only woman ill ever love to death"
....
YUP. YOURE MOM WILL LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT BUT SHE WON'T HAVE YOUR CHILDREN OR OUT LIVE YOU SO YOU HAD BETTER CUT THE APRON STRINGS AND HOLD ON TO THAT GIRLFRIEND CUZ MUM SHOULD STILL LOVE YOU
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Simple ans clear do not date MEM men
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I had no idea so many other women have to deal with this as well. MEM. You learn a new thing everyday. I am really relieved to come across this thread because I too am in a relationship with a man that is suffering for reasons that, according to me, are intertwined with his abnormally close relationship with his mother. Until now I was worried that maybe I was thinking selfishly, or even out of jealousy- as he often makes me believe. To put my experience into perspective, my boyfriends father passed away 8 years ago at the young age of 20, and his mother having been a very understanding and passive woman always had his back and allowed him to do whatever he wants. Smoke weed drink and showering him with money. They relied on one another. I believe she does this subcontiously as a way to ensure he will never leave her as she has no life outside him and has never had any other man around since the passing of her late husband. My bf has a drinking problem, doesn't strive to find a job and better himself, and has always been protected from the harsh truth or reality by his mother supporting him regardless of his bad decisions. Enter me, 2 years now and I am not his mother. As understanding as I try to be I am not passive and want to make him realize that we must face the consequences of our actions in life. If we ever talk about his relationship with his mother while he is drunk it results in him becoming vicious, mean and aggressive, telling me that he hates me and kicking me out of our house. or if he isn't drunk he then gets drunk. I may be wrong for feeling this way and thinking his mother is at fault for babying him but I feel that when he becomes violent and mean with me that he is choosing his mothers "side" and has often told me that If i don't love his mother that we cannot be together. There is much more to this situation than I could write here, but I am slowly being turned off by his attitude and I think its slightly sociopathic. When we fight in front of her him getting aggressive, i am often told to leave or she chooses his side. I feel like they are "them" versus "me". I feel for him bc I think losing his father has contributed to his excessive dependancy and closeness with his mother, but if he truly wants to have a good future together he needs to put me on the equal pedestal that he places his mother and quit putting her feelings ahead of mine. I cannot help but have resentment toward his mom bc of the way he treats me in defence of her. I know its not her fault and she doesn't intend to ruin her son but I just wish she could realize that abetting his alcoholism and always letting him get away with everything is not helping him the way they think she is. I truly wish he would realize but is it time to walk away?
Does she have her own place? Are you living with mum? You're not too young to grow up and using college as an excuse to stay with mum isn't fair. Lots of couples go to college and live together. Growing up doesn't have to be so hard. Ask yourself if you would bee happy waking up to her face every morning. Does she cook for you? Is your tooth brush there? Try too work together and put her in your plans for the future. Combine. Your checklist of college mum then girlfriend time may drive her away. Combine your plans everyone would be happy.
I'm baffled when people say that you can replace your girlfriend/wife (essentially the woman you love in a non-platonic way,) but you can't replace your mom... Um. Something tells me these people were never fortunate enough to find a soul mate in life. True love is irreplaceable. You can't just get another one. These men are either soured on relationships due to a bad past experience, or they just never found anyone who treated them as good as Mom does. So they clung to her. Gross. Maybe if they didn't have this degrading perception of women, they would've found someone truly remarkable and irreplaceable. It's also weird to me when people say that your wife can divorce you but your mom can't, or your mom will love you unconditionally but your main lady won't. That's not true either. A mother can become estranged from her son just as easily as a wife can. It's free will. There's no guarantees that anybody in life will love you forever. You take a leap of faith. It IS true that your mother was in your life long before your girlfriend, but she won't outlive you and she won't carry your children...The natural way of life is for a man to grow up and create new life with another woman. That's what the ever-controlling MOTHER and her husband did at one point! Why is the son not supposed to do the same thing? I'm not saying a man shouldn't take care of an ailing parent, but some mothers just don't want to share their adult sons...and it's creepy. Also, I hate when people say "mother comes before girlfriend, but wife comes before mother." How is a woman ever supposed to become a wife if the man refuses to cut the apron strings UNTIL after the wedding? That's not fair..that's like saying I'll stop cheating once we're married. No you won't. Habits don't suddenly stop after one day. They must gradually taper off. Men, start cutting the apron strings...preferably before you meet the right girl so your heart is open to her.
Those who say that a gf/wife can be replaced but your mother can't have never been in love (with anyone but their mothers...creepy.) True love is irreplaceable. Also, it's not true that your mother can't leave or "divorce" you. A mother can become estranged from her son. Free will. Nobody is guaranteed to love you forever. It's a leap of faith. It's true that a mother has been in your life longer than any prospective wife, but your mother won't care for you in your old age or bear your children. It's the natural way of life for the man to leave his parents and begin a family with another woman. Just like the ever-controlling mother and her husband at some point left their parents and began a new life..so too must their sons. I'm not saying adults shouldn't care for their ailing parents, I'm just referring to those mothers who want to manipulate and guilt their adult sons into staying with them forever and not finding a mate. It's creepy. Some mothers are jealous of their sons girlfriends/wives.
So sad that this is how it has to be going through the same with him 4 years and have a kid together mother never liked me never tried to get to know me don't call me by my name I'm never welcomed in her house and never see our kid yet she guilty him into things and he leaves us he tells me I should deal with it if I love him but I shouldn't have to he left and is now living with his mom and I'm so hurt he never stood up for me I just don't understand y he can't see it y do we have to be the ones that r hurt how could u allow ur mother to not see ur kid and be ok with it and say it's my fault when she never gave me a chance talk to me like carp but won't say a word to her please someone help how do u leave it child because of ur mother and it's his first I love him but I know he will never grow up has to see her everyday it makes me sick grow up be a man live ur own life
Hi everyone.
I am involved with a man who is 30, I am 31. And I thought everything was okay at first.
But I had never been to his place, he had always been to mine. It's only been going on 4 months but the red flags still went up. I kept asking him why he didn't want me to come over.
Fast forward and come to find out he lied the whole time. He lived with his mom the whole time. I was shocked. Every time he got off the phone, well sometimes, he would say, okay, I have to stop by my mom's. Or I am going to my sisters. It takes a lot to lie and to do it that easily with no slip ups, seemingly so, really bothered me.
Okay 2nd issue is money. He would tell me sometimes that he doesn't have the money to do certain activities or can't pay until a certain date.
Yet I find out again that he is helping pay his mom's mortgage. His dad is disabled and doesn't work. Mom is retired and can't afford her mortgage.
This is just a lot for the beginning of the relationship and with the lying and telling me he doesn't have money. He also was giving me the run around about moving in with me, come to find out because he needs to pay his mom's mortgage.
He also helps his sister who has a house she cannot afford.
I am really torn that this is the guy I love. I love him but don't want to be stressed my whole life about money. I have never wanted that because my mom had to struggle with my father not always working and never wanted that for myself.
I have a decent salary and savings and also don't want it bled dry by me becoming intertwined in this whole situation.
I have never had to give my parents money. My brother asked me a while ago for 500 but that is it.
So it is hard for me to understand where he is coming from. I think he should help his mom but that all his siblings should help her also.
It seems like I don't know if I will stay with him but that if I don't he will have sacrificed his life to help his family. In that case, I don't know whether to commend him or to feel sorry for him.
His mom also mentioned that I was quiet when she met me. I was sort of offended because I am a quiet person and actually made a great effort to speak to her a great deal. She offered to help me cook, but I am honestly not interested, my mom already taught me how to cook and now in reading the rest of these stories it's making me think it is her way of keeping her son even closer to her by having me over there. Plus she lives over an hour away.
He is a great person and I do want him in my life but not sure if he should be my boyfriend.
Also am hoping it is early enough in our relationship to put my foot down and see how that works but I am completely scared of the outcome.
I feel really bad and yes actually feel the pain, for the people that are dealing with these men that are so attached to mom.
My guy has mentioned wanted to move to the opposite side of the United States "to get away from his family". So I think there is hope for him even if it's not with me.
I honestly try, try so hard to put myself in his mom's situation where she has health issues and can't work and doesn't have much money, married to a guy that drained her. I feel bad for her but really don't know how to actually put myself in her shoes where she knows deep down that her son is in a relationship that could end partially because he is not fully available to me. And secondly because he is always telling me he doesn't have enough money to do certain activities, yet in the next week, he gives his sister (yes gives money to her too) 500 dollars.
You know when you are not number 1 and it's a weird feeling.
a MEM! Who knew there was actually such a thing. I honestly thought I was crazy for feeling so irritated that my boyfriend always puts his mother first. I am all about family, and making family a number one priority but this is just too much. it's almost as if she has some sort of hold over him. He even tells me that she will always come first. He has actually said it multiple times, and isn't afraid to repeat it. he does the "little things" for his mom, but not for me. I try to explain that I am not here to compete with his mother, but it would be nice if he treated me as kindly as he does his mom. I believe the relationship a mother and a son have is on a different level than a man and his significant other..am I wrong?
I'm to the point where it is honestly make or break, I can't imagine this for a life time, and by the sounds of it ... It doesn't sound like it'll change
Leave these kind of man/boys as soon as you recognize them! I left one and im happy, because i traveled all the Europe to see him on NYE. Then his mother decided to spend NYE with us on skype. Of course he approved everything she said, although i saw him for 1 week only. I have no more problems. He said he loved me, but his mother was the best women in the world and she was the most special. He didn't answered the phone only when we had sex. because that was probably the one thing that his mom could not do for him !
It made me feel so much better knowing I'm not the only one in this horrible situation. My ex-boyfriend and I were together for 2 years. We were living together and planning our future together. It's very recent as it happened over the weekend (I'm a wreck). He was my best friend, my boyfriend, my everything. I did a lot for him and helped him accomplish everything he wanted to do. His mum is very clingy. She was from the start. She was never a big fan of our relationship but we were sort of getting along, cooking together, shopping together and everything. But she was way too clingy with her son. I mean who kisses their son on the mouth when the son is 21 and with a girlfriend? (I know they are a British family and I am French and things can be different but that's extreme). My ex didn't find it weird at the time, so I said it bothered me (obviously) so he talked to his mum and she didn't like it but it changed. He tried to live his life with me for a bit but his mum was very childish. We had exams and a life but she would moan and cry if he couldn't be there for her birthday (on the exact day). It said like that for a year and one day I go tired of her comments saying that she didn't marry the love of her life so maybe I won't either, that we should wait til we're 35 to have a kid (oh yeah coz I'm not judging but she was 40 when she had my ex and he's an only child - so am I for the record) and that sometimes in life, people have to go their separate ways. I started crying and I asked her if she had a problem with me (this was last year). We started fighting, my ex didn't stand up for me, he just didn't say anything. His mum told me horrible things like I needed to grow up and that I was holding her son back when she is the one doing it. I said to her she needed to let him live his life and stop controlling everything. We left their house. My ex followed me to make a stand and show he chose me... But once at home I discovered he kept texting "I love you" to his mum. We talked it through and waited. I stopped talking to his parents for a while. Things were okay at home and then came back to normal. We were our usual selves, we were happy together but still with this hanging over our heads. I have a great job opportunity in England (we live in France and so do his parents) and he agreed to follow me. This summer, we were planning everything, looking for an apartment, we started packing our things together. We decided to both spend a week with our parents before we leave for good in September. Everything was going well, we texted, I talked to him about apartments I found on the Internet and he was happy. On Saturday (yes Saturday last week... It's very recent) I sasked him if he had a chance to talk to his parents about the situation (we haven't spoken in a year) and he said he found a solution. He would still see them, with the rest of the family without me. I told him that wasn't a solution and that made things worse because he was pushing me away from the family instead of making me part of it. I said he had to fix this because it was his fault we were in the situation because he never stood up for me even when his mum told me I was holding him back. He said he was lost but he didn't want to lose me because he loves me. Couple hours later (keep in mind he was with his mum), he tells me he worries about the future, he can't be with a woman who doesn't like his mum because kids wouldn't understand why mummy doesn't like granny.
(The rest of the story) He then told me he realised he wasn't happy anymore and he loved me but wasn't in love with me and the relationship we had wasn't sane and that we can't be together anymore. All this happened by text message. I said I would make efforts with his mum to keep him but she doesnt want to talk to me. I felt like I was talking to a different person. The person I knew hated hurting people but this man... Just didn't care and left me hanging, not answer messages for hours. I said we needed to talk face to face. We have things to sort out and he can't just say that to me when 2 weeks ago we were joking about our honeymoon and planning our really life together in England. I asked him on Sunday to see me in our apartment on Wednesday (tomorrow)... It took him the whole day to agree but the way he said things. It was horrible, cruel and felt like it didn't come from him. He hates seeing people suffer, it makes him sick but his message was cold and heartless : -"sure for Wednesday but we don't need the afternoon it would just go round and round. And just so you know it's not gonna change my decision but I want you to know my reasons". I was wrecked and felt stabbed in the heart. So this is my story... Tomorrow I'm meeting him, in our apartment to hear him out and in 2 months, I'm moving to England, on my own, heartbroken and hurt. Thanks for reading! Felt good typing this.
It's interesting to see how common this issue really is.
When I first met my bf - he didn't tell me that he lived with his mother, at first. He referred to the other occupants in his house as his "flatmates" (I was and still am living in a house with flatmates my own age). When he eventually told me that one of the flatmates was his mother, I didn't really mind - I hadn't had many interactions with her, I knew he and his twin sister had been raised by her, so I thought she must have been quite a strong and independent woman. I was wrong).
Some backstory first - they are from Christchurch, in NZ (a complete other island - I live in the north island). The military training base is here, so when my bf decided to join the army, he had to move up here, and live in barracks for a while. He eventually decided that he would buy a house here because he preferred that to the idea of flatting. So he bought a house here and for some strange reason decided to have his mum move in to help with the mortgage. I understand that if a young guy buys a house he'll probably want flatmates to help pay the mortgage, but his mum had to leave their hometown, leave her daughter there (his twin sister, leave her job, and come up here to live with him and keep him company in his new house, when he could have found flatmates from anywhere...even ones from work who he knew).
When I first came to visit, I wasn't sure if he really owned the house, or if he was just saying it, because the house seemed like it was his mothers. All of the furniture is hers, the TV, the ugly wooden side table things with china cups and photographs and old lady ornaments and doileys. You would think it is her house, the way it is decked out. But I saw a rates statement billed to him, it is his house (at least financially).
So I'd stay at his house one weekend, he'd stay at mine, that's what we'd do... and eventually his mum would start crossing boundaries whenever I was there, such as coming into his room when I was in there with him without knocking. It really started to bother me because we *could* have been having sex when she just walks in...and after a time when we were getting intimate but stopped just before she came in, I said to him that she could have walked in on something, and I told him he would have to get a lock for his door because there wasn't already one there. The irony is...he put a lock on, and we were in bed in the morning, and we thought she was at work, and for some reason either the lock on the door hadn't snipped properly or we had forgotten, because she walked in on us having sex. It was clear what she had walked in on, but she just pretended like it wasn't happening and said to her son, "Where's the washing powder?". He asked her to shut the door and she didn't budge. She repeated the question. "Where's the washing powder". I actually had laryngitis at the time and could barely raise my voice but I had to be the one to say "Can you please shut the door?" and finally she did. I was shaking, and I got dressed and asked him to take me home. I was beyond furious, and I was upset that he didn't scream and rage at her like most people in that situation would do? I know if my parents did that, I would have them for breakfast (not that they would, they respect boundaries).
I stopped coming to his house for a while to create some distance, so he'd come to see me at my place more often - which isn't ideal either, because my flat has gone through a lot of changes. I live with my landlord - who is also in the army, and at one time it was just me, his girlfriend, and another flatmate I moved in with. Then that flatmate moved out, and it was just me, the landlord, the girlfriend. Then the landlord when on an army job to Europe and came back and the gf he had broke up with him, so it was me and him for a while, then he decided to get his brother to move in (and the brothers gf) and now the landlord has a new gf, so when my bf stays over, there's six of us here...and you know what shared living is like... it can get frustrating. My bf and I have discussed moving in together - he wanted me to move in with him but I had to say I couldn't live with him and his mum, it wouldn't work. I was frustrated that he seemed to be putting her before me. We've been to my uni counsellor together about it. He's been to work counsellors about different issues at work. He believed it was all "resolved" after the talk with the uni counsellor, because he was going to tell his mum that she would have to move out so that he and I could live together). She said she would start looking for a new place, but I told him it could wait until July (after my last university semester) I really just wanted a new house with him, somewhere completely different, a house we could buy together. He told me she tried to warn him that if I lived with him, I could take half his stuff in two years time (de facto relationship, after two years of living together, what's theirs is yours if you haven't signed something). I was beyond furious because of the fact that I'm not a materially anchored person. That would never factor into my head. If the relationship dissolved and he owned the house, I wouldn't expect anything. I don't even like his house, everything about it makes me think about her and makes me feel sick.
My bf thought the issues had "resolved" because I stopped bringing them up, and he had talked to his mum, and while I had kept my distance for a bit after the whole "bf's mum walking in on us' trauma, I started to come over again - was civil whenever she was around, making small talk, being polite. And then he tells me recently that last week she said that I hate her and her reasoning for this is because I don't approach her first and don't come to say hi to her when I'm there to see him. 1) You've been horrible to me this whole time and have never made an effort, 2) I'm introverted and don't have a lot to say unless I know someone really well but I will always be civil and polite, 3) I will make conversation and never be rude if I am faced with it.
Also just an example of her attitude and manipulations... she works for a government agency that deals with the beneficiary system, so unemployment benefits, pensioners, student allowances. With that is a division that deal with giving extra assistance to students (while I am working part time, I was entitled to about $125 a week). She used to work for the student division and then transferred to the pensioner one. I had an appointment with their agency one day regarding a dentist appointment - I had to get two wisdom teeth and it cost a fortune here, so I wanted to see if I would be entitled to any assistance. I had to bring two of my most recent payslips (one of the two just happened to show a week where I had done some overtime which brought my fortnightly earning up more than usual which meant I was above the threshold and wasn't entitled to any help). Before my appointment his mum had texted me (my bf gave her my number so that she could "help" with this. I told him I didn't need any help, I would be fine). So she texts out of the blue .. just to tell me not to let them (the agency) "bully me". Okay great so you got my number off my bf just to tell me that?... well I go to the appointment, get told I earnt too much for any help anyway...then the agent I was seeing who was quite rude asked me "Are you in a relationship" and I said "no" because on my details with them it said no, as over here, you don't actually have to be recorded as being in a relationship unless it's been 2 years and unless you're living with them (as in their eyes it means you're getting financial assistance from them). I had no reason to believe they would think I'm in a relationship, as my details hadn't been updated, I had only been seeing him like 3/4 months at the time, and we certainly didn't live together. So then the agent gives me this look as if to say "I know you're lying" and then said "well I know you are because seans mum told me." My bf said that his mum didn't even LIKE this woman, so why would you tell a colleague you don't like that your son's gf is coming in to ask about getting dental assistance? She knew what she was doing. Trying to create drama and make things hard for me. And after that, they started taking more away from me - I was getting $125 a week, and then because of the payslip they saw where I had earnt more BECAUSE of a ONE OFF week where I was doing extra hours (not my normal contracted hours) they decided to lower my entitlement and now I get about $65 a week from them. Oh and I apparently owe them money too which I have to now pay off at a small amount every fortnight until it's gone.
He SAYS he wants to marry me, wants to have my kids... but refuses to divorce his pseudo wife...his mother. By the way, his dad has been out of the picture for about 10 years, lives in Australia... left when he and his sister were 5. There was one weekend where his mum came into his room when I was there and started acting all domestic with him, talking about their bills, their shopping, and then accidentally referred to his sister as "his daughter" and he corrected her and said "my sister" and she joked about it being a "Freudian slip" ....... (by the way, he looks exactly like his dad, and I think after his dad left, she turned him into her makeshift husband). And their dynamic is ruining our relationship.
I hope somebody can give me some kinda advice or help or anything I'm so confused what to do or we're to turn at this point I been with my boyfriend for over 8 years since I was 16 we have two kids together and he was recently incarcerated for TWO DAMN YEARS and even tho we weren't together at the time I choose to stay with him n pay his lawyer n all other fees thinking he will change and it will pay off and we can finally get our life on track . Well I was wrong since coming home we moved in with my mom 5 Apts down from his mother the reason I won't live with his mother 1 there filthy dirty and pigs 2 there animals piss and shit everywhere and smells awful they live like animals and it's disgusting . Ever since he came home I payed for everything helped him get a job let him use my car and his family all they do is ask n take from him . His mom constantly is at our home unannounced ask for rides ,money ,food on top of it she uses the money for cigarette and drugs and to top it off pregnant again n was hoping he would finally get his shit together so we can move . He is now saying he won't leave his mom n it's job to take care of her I feel hurt and so angry I put ally time and money love into this to be spit in face he basically says he will choose her over me n the kids I don't want to leave especially with a navy on the way but I don't know what to do . It doesn't seem like he will ever unseated or leave or set his straight .
Absolutely. Wise words
Its amazing how many there are out there going through the same thing! I was with my bf for 2 years before meeting his mother. We got along so well. After two years his parents came down to visit, looking to buy him a house. (well one they would move into upon retiring) Even this specific trip went well and his parents were so nice. He is an only child which essentially makes things even worse. It is a classic case of a mommas boy and MEM. When he was little he begged his mom to stay home with him insisting she belonged there to take care of him when he got home from school. She agreed and quit her job to be a stay at home mom. His dad I guess worked many hours away from the house. (this I'm learning is another sign) so he was made "man of the house". He is now 33 ( I am 30) Let me go back and say that when we first got together we talked about marriage, started making plans and everything when mommy said "son, you need to wait a year before doing anything" so guess what? its been 5 years and we are still not married. We also both agreed on a tan suit for him, we both agreed it looked amazing but his mom said it washed him out and he immediately changed his mind. Upon the next visit for his parents (because they found a house) his mom was going to live with him for 3 MONTHS! He worked away a lot so I didn't get much time with him and now she was going to be there for 3 months and I said it would ruin us. We ended up in a HUGE argument because he of course saw nothing wrong with this. She would even crawl into bed with us when we were watching tv. It became like I was not there at all. Everything that was about he and I became about him and her. I had no say in anything, even in picking out things for his house (which we were planning to live in together) everything was what she wanted. Didn't matter what it was, it was her way or no way. Even down to how the dishwasher was loaded. So we started to fight more and more and he said it was my fault because I wasn't trying. Even though I would make her coffee in the morning, take her out shopping, to lunch etc. She would stab me behind my back behind closed doors, on the phone to her husband. My bf didn't believe me because she could never do anything so cruel. I became depressed and angry. We had a good thing and then she came into the picture and I realized something was wrong with their closeness but I couldn't figure out what. Again he is 33 and they are still on the same phone plan and have access to one another bank accounts. Thinking back I remember anytime we had "discussions" about our relationships instead of coming to me and talking things out he would go to his mom and THEN come to me after telling her OUR business! He always claimed that it was a good idea because she had a lot of life experience. It is so frustrating :( And then she told him we shouldn't get married until I had a good job and finished my schooling. And of course he's listening to her. One thing after another. I just bought the book everyone is talking about so I hope that will give me some more insight. I have so much anger towards her. Ive told him so many times that one day he is going to have to choose me and he has gotten so mad and said NO ONE will EVER come between us. NO ONE! in a tone that quite frankly scared me. It's hard to know what to do. He says he feels he's pulled in 2 different directions but I'm sorry at 33 you should be making your own choices and cut that cord! #feelingdown.
I am a mother of 3 sons and believe me the love is there however the girlfriends and wives come first!! That is the way God meant it! Your job as a parent is to create another person that is a productive independent member of society as you should have been before you had that child. My sons love and respect me from a distance because they are taking care of their wives and girlfriends in a private and intimate setting. It gives me joy to see how much they love and care for their partners. It also gives me joy that I rely on myself and I'm not mentally and emotionally so insecure and weak that I need to drag my poor child down and cripple their ability to go on in life normally!!
I have had a much similar situation . In fact I'm going through it right now . My boyfriend seems to not care if his mom or his sister treats me like crap after everything I do for them and he also bows to ever need or want that his mother has . It is so frustrating that he puts his all into making her happy but when it comes to my feelings he has to think about it and it still ends up being about his moms feelings . He says he doesn't want her mad at him . And when he actually does something he wants she pulls the guilt trip in him . But she treats him like a pack mule. He goes and gets her food all the time and waits on her hand and foot . I've treated to leave if something doesn't change but then I end up feeling as if it's all my fault or that I'm selfish or greedy . It's really an emotional roller coaster . I love him and don't wanna leave but lately I've been feeling like it's only gonna be my last resort.
I have had a much similar situation . In fact I'm going through it right now . My boyfriend seems to not care if his mom or his sister treats me like crap after everything I do for them and he also bows to ever need or want that his mother has . It is so frustrating that he puts his all into making her happy but when it comes to my feelings he has to think about it and it still ends up being about his moms feelings . He says he doesn't want her mad at him . And when he actually does something he wants she pulls the guilt trip in him . But she treats him like a pack mule. He goes and gets her food all the time and waits on her hand and foot . I've treated to leave if something doesn't change but then I end up feeling as if it's all my fault or that I'm selfish or greedy . It's really an emotional roller coaster . I love him and don't wanna leave but lately I've been feeling like it's only gonna be my last resort.
Yeah I have had experience with that (on top of culture differences). After two years of living together (after I had moved countries for him) he finally chose for his mom completely by deciding to move in with her. Over those two years I was hurt many times by awful comments from his mother AND him (for whatever reason it was okay to join in).I did many things for the both of them as I felt I should put in some effort for the sake of my partner. Yeah... that didn't make any difference it only got worse and worse with her manipulating him, telling lies, making sure we often had fights and of course using him for every need (same as with his sisters). It went to such an extreme that she could tell him something me and my partner did and would make him react on it even though nothing of the sort would have happened (hello? would you not have known if you were there?).
I've been pushed around, humiliated and offended for two years with him saying sorry then continuing the same shit all over again. And here was me hoping that the person I moved over for would come back to me, sadly he never did...
Then due to financial issues he wanted to move in with his mother and that was where my efforts had to stop. I offered him to live in a small room with me to fix the financial issues and make it on our own. But he was adamant to move in with her because it was 'easier'. And so, I had to move back to the country I came from (sadly). And leave my life behind AGAIN just this time without a future to look forward to. I was and still am heart broken and he contacts me almost every day telling me how he is sorry, deserves me getting angry and wants to fix things.
I don't know if he can but at the moment I seem to not be strong enough to leave him behind completely after 10 years of being friends/being in a relationship.
You are such a wonderful mother to your sons. As the opposite of what you have said, his mother is so insecure and weak that she need to drag down his son just to fulfill her wants.
You're Absolutely Correct!
You're Absolutely Correct!
My ex and I were in a relationship for almost 3 years.
He was 25 and I was 20 years old when he asked me to marry him.
It seemed perfect and I was so in love with him. He was everything to me.
On top of it all, his mother seemed lovely and I thought that we had a great relationship. She was always so welcoming and friendly.
I always encouraged him to do his best and achieve his goals. He was working in his father's woodworking factory and I wasn't really pleased, since he never really earned a constant salary. When the business wasn't performing financially, he had to put the money back.
At 25, almost 26, he was still living at his parents and his mom still made his bed. We had to have dinner with his parents every 2nd night.
So I encouraged him to try something different. He is very intelligent and he also promised me numerous times that he would quit the factory and get a formal qualification so that he would be able to provide for us.
Might I add, I am a very ambitious woman with very high career aspirations.
So one day his mother phoned me and told me that I am taking his dreams away from him and that I want to change her son.
After this, he asked me if we could have dinner at his parents so that we could sort this out. Instead, his mother ended up sitting on his lap.
I was very upset and angry.
His reply was that it would be a dealbreaker for him if I couldn't get along with his mother again.
So I left him. I don't think he even realizes that he chose her over me.
This sounds very familiar (dinners, parties, etc) except he was my boyfriend and still lives at home. I tried to open his eyes to what was going on. He broke up our relationship for his mother.
I'm married with 2 girls, when we first started dating she was not as obsessed with her son. Now she hates me because I'm married to him. He calls her when he wakes up when he gets out of work before he goes to bed he told me she comes first then my kids then me . I understand my kids come first but her before me?! She says if she needs help or money he needs to do it because that's her son and that if she dies she expects him to kill himself so they die together! I think they need mental help or something I'm not sure what to do.. she will UT me and and I tell my husband and he says he's not getting involved
Very true Shellwake. Son has an incestual emotional relationship/dependency with mum. He puts her first and his partner is only their to please his sexual needs, do the cooking and household tasks or to give him things he can take from her. Notice that its never enough nor equally reciprocated?... Mum overindulged her son and made him feel a sense of entitlement over other women. Mum's doing as she is the one who groomed him and often tries to lives her life through him. Usually there is a lack of emotional connection with her husband or her son's father so she looks to fulfill herself emotional needs through her only or favourite son. Underneath this, mum suffers from neurosis, depression or anxiety. She relies on her son too much and this is why she competes or will compete with his partner to get his attention. She is dependent and psychologically unhealthy. Beware of this type of mum. Stay uninvolved and if he constantly puts her needs before yours as my last boyfriend did, hit the highway or get out asap. Its not worth the misery. Let his mum take care of him or live with him. He can hire prostitues when he needs sex and his mum would probably accept that as long as she can be no. 1 to her son. You wont change her - too old, yet only he can but most do not even see the problem to see there os one there as too depedent on mum. He wont find true love until he removes that u healthy tie or relationship with her. To love her is fine but not to allow her to take prevelance in his immediate life over his partner. If she does this and expects it from her sone, she is either selfish or sick in the head.
Edit Anonymous said...
Very true Shellwake. Son has an incestual emotional relationship/dependency with mum. He puts her first and his partner is only their to please his sexual needs, do the cooking and household tasks or to give him things he can take from her. Notice that its never enough nor equally reciprocated?... Mum overindulged her son and made him feel a sense of entitlement over other women. Mum's doing as she is the one who groomed him and often tries to lives her life through him. Usually there is a lack of emotional connection with her husband or her son's father so she looks to fulfill herself emotional needs through her only or favourite son. Underneath this, mum suffers from neurosis, depression or anxiety. She relies on her son too much and this is why she competes or will compete with his partner to get his attention. She is dependent and psychologically unhealthy. Beware of this type of mum. Stay uninvolved and if he constantly puts her needs before yours as my last boyfriend did, hit the highway or get out asap. Its not worth the misery. Let his mum take care of him or live with him. He can hire prostitues when he needs sex and his mum would probably accept that as long as she can be no. 1 to her son. You wont change her - too old, yet only he can but most do not even see the problem to see there os one there as too depedent on mum. He wont find true love until he removes that u healthy tie or relationship with her. To love her is fine but not to allow her to take prevalence in his immediate life over his partner. If she does this and expects it from her son, she is either selfish or sick in the head.
Edit Anonymous said...
Very true Shellwake. Son has an incestual emotional relationship/dependency with mum. He puts her first and his partner is only their to please his sexual needs, do the cooking and household tasks or to give him things he can take from her. Notice that its never enough nor equally reciprocated?... Mum overindulged her son and made him feel a sense of entitlement over other women. Mum's doing as she is the one who groomed him and often tries to lives her life through him. Usually there is a lack of emotional connection with her husband or her son's father so she looks to fulfill herself emotional needs through her only or favourite son. Underneath this, mum suffers from neurosis, depression or anxiety. She relies on her son too much and this is why she competes or will compete with his partner to get his attention. She is dependent and psychologically unhealthy. Beware of this type of mum. Stay uninvolved and if he constantly puts her needs before yours as my last boyfriend did, hit the highway or get out asap. Its not worth the misery. Let his mum take care of him or live with him. He can hire prostitues when he needs sex and his mum would probably accept that as long as she can be no. 1 to her son. You wont change her - too old, yet only he can but most do not even see the problem to see there os one there as too depedent on mum. He wont find true love until he removes that u healthy tie or relationship with her. To love her is fine but not to allow her to take prevalence in his immediate life over his partner. If she does this and expects it from her son, she is either selfish or sick in the head.
My boyfriends mom has made me cry countless times only because I've known her since I was a child and her son has had a crush on me since then. We have been together for two years and are both 19/20 years old. At first she told him to not mess up with me as I am a respectable girl. However lately she has been the one to cause trouble. We are both in college and my boyfriend works full time to save up so he can move out of the house. When I come to her house I speak and include myself into whatever they're doing at the moment, I am always pleasant towards her husband and children. She on the other hand would make comments like when are you going to New York? How is your sister in New York? And when I finally got the chance to go, she told my boyfriend that I was lying (because I always say I'm going somewhere but then I don't in her words)- he even had to show her pictures. Then once she asked me how many people showed up to my family's dinner party and I told her maybe 60. She then said she's had more guests in her house than 60. She's yelled at me before for walking in the trash she was sweeping when I actually wasn't, I was walking around it. She once told her son from out of nowhere that she will always come first. I asked her son if he could work out in the morning since his parents wouldn't allow him to work out later in the day because he has work. But he had a day off and she said that we couldn't work out together because we aren't married and because it's too early. She sometimes doesn't let him see me just because. She's asked him before if he's planning on marrying me and he said no just to please her. She even told me she's a real teacher and my mom is not. My boyfriend asked her if she liked me or had a problem with me and her husband yelled at him to leave the house. I honestly can't deal with this anymore and am considering leaving him until he cuts the strings. She thinks he spends too much of his money on me, however she gets a portion of his money for whatever reason I'm not sure. I want a good peaceful relationship with his mom but I'm not understanding why she's behaving this way. I am nothing but respectful and kind to her. I have even offered to hang out with her or take his siblings somewhere fun. I have bought her Christmas, Mother's Day, and birthday gifts. She hasn't done the same for me. I just want peace
I am super happy to know I’m not the only one who have to endure this.. I’m with someone whom I love so much. But his mother has been grinding my gears, and he condoles this. He don’t put her in her place as a mother. From the things she say behind closed doors and from her popping up at the apartment just because he didn’t call her 😑 really even thou they text all the time, everyday, 24/7.. it’s like cmon you’re a man.. I’m fine with your relationship with your mother because it is your mom at the end of the day. But remember why you’re in a relationship to grow and prosper with them. The leash should be cut loose. It’s now the woman that he’s with to take the lead. It’s twosome not a threesome which would be extremely odd. She runs and jump for him, if he calls her for beer she gets it, if he calls her for money she gives it, if he calls her for a whatever she gets it.. I’m like no! Let him get it himself, let him become a man. If we argue, she comes in and just because he said too. When she should be like look you got with her than you deal with your partner. I don’t see her doing this to her daughter who 27 years old, only him. And it’s annoying! She put the weight of being a father figure for his younger sister because the actual father didn’t want her. It’s like why must I go through!! And I’m wrong for what!! For seeing things in an outside prespective. It’s like really grow up! You don’t see mommy girls do you, do you daddy girls.. no! It’s like are the guys like this.. what in there right minds condoles this type of behavior!
You think she likes you because that's what she wants you to think. She wants you to think that her son is rejecting you on his own because she wants you to hurt, but she is narcissistic so she doesn't want you to dislike her. She wants you to think her son is hurting You and she enjoys seeing him do it and knowing he is.
You think she likes you but she doesn't. She might even pretend to your boyfriend that she likes you but she manipulates him through her knowledge of how she's trained him. If he tells her you're going to college to be a doctor, instead of being normal and saying something positive she will say things like "she wants to go to college to be a doctor? Thats a time consuming career. I know you want a woman to be able to spend time with you and focus on the kids. She wouldn't be able to do that. You wouldn't be able to be happy in a relationship like that." Anything he says about you trying to praise you she will shoot down with underlying criticism. Even if you made the best meal ever and he describes how goid it was she will respond with "wow that foes sound good! So good it probably isn't very healthy! I never fed my son food like that because I want him to be healthy." And then she will start talking about the meals she prepared for him when he was younger and how much effort she put into his health it.
She never actually says anything mean to you, but she creates a feeling inside of him that you don't care about him like she does, that you don't make him happy because you aren't what he wants.
Plus, MEMs don't tell you until you catch them, but everything you tall aboit with them is repeated to their mothers. everything.
They know everything about you because their sons try to please them. They will eaither tall badly aboit you trying to prove their loyalty or they will tell your secrets because they need their mom's opinions to form their reality. Their mom will never tell them to feel anything good about you. Their mom will never support your relationship. She will pretend to support YOU as a person and tell you she cares about you, but she will not support your relationship with her son by trying to tell him to be good to you or work It out. If she did that, he would listen to her. Because he forms his reality and emotions on what she tells him he wants/feels.
So no. She doesn't like you. She resents you.and because her son doesn't keep a secret from her, and has no private life, she knows everything about you and how to make you tick.
He doesn't want to be in a commitment with you because he can't. His identity doesn't go beyond that of being a source of life for his mom.
You only get the good side of a MEM mom when they are in control and winning. So behind yoir back, he talked badly of you and it satisfied her. If your son stuck up for you, loved you, or wanted to move out she would have given you her ugly side. And her son would have gotten smothered, controlled and inadvertently threatened to be condemned and terrible for "leaving his mom" or treating her so badly. I hear my Men's mom say "honey, thid isn't you. I know you." Whenever he tries to make his own choices. It sickens me. She tells him who he is and what he needs to do and how he needs to be....and he doesn't even see it.
My boyfriend of 4 years, who is 23 years old now has an enmeshed relationship with his mother. I just had my baby 5 months ago, and they are thinking I had post partum depression because his mother's overbearing tendencies stress me out and make me depressed bc he doesn't say anything to her. He has recently started telling her no he will not do things she ask or that she has to respect my wish to not have her in the delivery room and she FLIPS OUT, cursing, sometimes yelling at him.. she hates that he is making his own decisions and creating a life with another woman whom he will put first. She has to be in contact with him day in and day out, I hate it. I feel bad for hating it but I do. Especially bc if he doesn't respond she will send multiple text and ask why he isn't answering her.. even a few days after we got home with our baby boy. She never post pictures of me and my son, just her son and my son. She always post pictures of them saying they are her boys ... but they are mjne. I genuinely and starting to hate her and her overbearing tendencies. When I confronted her about the pictures she said well he is my son, your mom can post pictures of you.and when I tell my boyfriend he says he can't control what she post so I need to get over it. I feel stuck, angry, and sad. She raised him without any financial skills so he constantly is dependent on her and I know she loves it. He is so fincially immature he couldn't support me my whole pregnancy, I constantly have to clean up after him even when i am the primary breadwinner. I'm sick to my stomach every time I think of them alone together, for one because she is so possessive of my boyfriend and wants to be the mother to my son, and for two because she feeds off of his presence and dependence. He is making small improvements and standing up to her every now and then and for me when I'm not around.. but has yet to stand up for me when I am around. She is causing so many problems between us. We both believe we are each other soulmates.. so it's a very sad situation. His father disappeared nearly 15 years ago and she has been a single mother. Btw.
I HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MAN FOR 2 YEARS, WE PLANNED TO GET MARRIED BUT EVERYTHING TURNED THE WRONG WAY WHEN HE FELL IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER LADY, HE LEFT FOR NO REASON, I DID EVERYTHING TO GET HIM BACK BUT NOTHING WORKED THEN I A FRIEND TOLD ME TO CONTACT DR_MACK@YAHOO.COM.... AND I DID WITHOUT DOUBT AND TO MY SURPRISE MY MAN CAME BACK TO ME AND WANT US TO START ALL OVER AGAIN, I AM SO HAPPY MY MAN IS BACK FOREVER
Run as fast as you can. Just broke up with my 49 year old fiance, who still lives in his mother's house (his first wife lived there before she passed away)He wanted me to move in, yet my instincts prevailed. She is sickening. I put a lock on his bedroom door and she demanded a key. He gave it to her. The last straw was when he stayed at my apartment for a week and she called the family and said he was missing and she was worried. He would not acknowledge that there is a problem. I had to let go. I miss him, but ut was just too much.
Wow is good to be back with my ex again, thank you Dr Ekpen for the help, I just want to let you know that is reading this post in case you are having issues with your lover and is leading to divorce and you don’t want the divorce, Dr Ekpen is the answer to your problem. Or you are already divorce and you still want him/her contact Dr Ekpen the spell caster now on (ekpentemple@gmail.com) and you will be clad you did
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