She's just not that into him

I have a friend who is casually dating this one guy. Things were going pretty good, and she was happy. Then, she met this other guy. He piques her interest a bit more than the first guy, and she'd like to start dating him.

Now, dating two people at once is not illegal. You could date five, 10 or 20 guys all at once, and it would be OK as long as you didn't commit yourself to one of them in particular. But the problem is this: how does she ease up on seeing guy No. 1 when she really wants to be seeing guy No. 2?

My initial solution for her was to just be "busy" every time guy No. 1 asks her to do something. Eventually, if he's smart, he'll just figure it. My idea was shot down, though, because my friend added that she worked with guy No. 1, and she didn't want things to be weird at work. Because of the work thing, she also doesn't want to just string guy No. 1 along and, as a result, be perceived as a player.

So what's the best, most gentle way to let guy No. 1 down while preserving the professional relationship they'll have at work? Have any of you ever been in this situation? Is it possible for things to go back to the way they were at work?

Mom's romance rules to live by

There are a ridiculous amount of magazine articles and web sites dedicated to outlining important rules for men and women to live by when it comes to romance and relationships. In my experience, however, I have always found that it is best to make up rules that work for you and the relationship you are in or the relationship you want to be in. And of course, it does't hurt to listen to a little advice you hear along the way.

For me, my mom has come up with some good ones along the way, and I take note of them because my parent's had a terrific bond and an even better marriage. I think they were the exception to the rule that says couples that don't fight have a passionless relationship. My parents always seemed to enjoy being together, and I can only remember them fighting once — and the argument was quickly replaced with laughter.

The first rule I learned from my mom was to find someone that "you can laugh with." It seems so simple, but I think laughter and enjoying each other is definitely important. It's probably why I look for someone with a sense of humor and who I can have a good time with. My boyfriend makes me laugh more than anyone else (and he knows this!), and it's one of the reasons I think our relationship has stayed strong even through some of our bad times.

My mom also told my sister and I at a young age that if a man ever cheats on us or beats us, we are to leave the relationship immediately. I think I was around 10 when she told me that, and it sticks out even now. I definitely wouldn't put up with either of those situations.

I could go on, but I would like to hear from you. Has your mom or dad, or grandma ever passed down relationship advice that you deem important today?

Weepy men

Roxy pointed out last week that men just can't seem to stand seeing women cry. But can we bear to see men cry?

Traditionally, men always have been perceived as the stronger sex. They were raised to be tough, show no emotion and never, under any circumstance, cry. Crying was a sign of weakness. Crying was, for lack of a better word, girly.

I sense a new generation of men are upon us, though. Back in college, my friend and I were talking about how our then-boyfriends sure liked sharing their emotions. They often got teary and passionate when talking about their — gasp! — feelings. It was almost to a point where it made us, the "emotional females," uncomfortable to be around them.

Although we women have bemoaned for ages that men don't talk about their feelings with us, I'm not sure we're ready to handle it. Can we stand to see our man cry over a bad day, disappointment or loss? Men have come to accept this from women, but I don't think we've been able to accept this from men. We want someone who will stay strong for us -- someone who is our rock to lean on, and, for the most part, a whimpering man just won't cut it.

For me, seeing as how I'm often prone to tears myself, I can't help but allow some teary eyes on my own man's side. Emotions shouldn't be bottled up, but they don't need to flow like waterfalls either.

Ladies, what do you think about men who cry? Would you date a man who cried, or would you trade him in for someone who never shed a tear? Men, do you ever feel crying is necessary. Do you think women are intolerant of men crying?

Most romantic cities?

I was perusing the internet this afternoon, looking around for lists (because this blog loves lists!!) about the most romantic cities in America, and I was very disappointed in what I found. Almost every single site listed the same cities over and over again, mainly San Francisco and New York. I mean, hello, obvious?

I want to know those little, small towns that define the word cozy...not the crazy streets of New York City (which I'm sure is wonderful, but if I want a weekend away with the BF, I want it away from the hustle and bustle and $15 Burgers!!). I can't say anything bad about San Fran, because that truly is a wonderful city, and I can see the romantic side of it.

Other big cities I love and places I wouldn't mind sharing a little getaway? Boston, for one. It definitely does not have that large city feel, and instead is swept up in history. I also love Chicago, and the plus is that there are little towns along Lake Michigan and are just a train ride away. Orlando, if only for Disney World. Cliche, I know, but I have been there twice this year and I can see how it would be a great place for couples!

But I would think small, quaint places would be best for a weekend getaway. In Georgia, that obvious spot is Savannah — which is truly fantastic, but the mountaIns of North Georgia definitely can't be overlooked! South Carolina has Charleston (a place both my BF and I are jonesing to see) and Beaufort (we discovered this gem while taking a ride on his motorcycle one sunny afternoon).

I can't wait to go to Wilmington and the Outer Banks of North Carolina (and am working on convincing the BF that we must take a weekend trip there this summer!) But I really like Chapel Hill, and nothing beats the mountains in North Carolina — so pretty, and plenty of cabin space!

Of course these are just places in the immediate area, and I know many places up North that would serve as a perfect getaway. Are there any great places you would suggest visiting with your significant other? And what spots should be avoided at all costs??

Foods that turn you on

Anyone needing to spice up their love life need look no further than the refrigerator or kitchen cabinet.

Certain foods, such as strawberries, are well known as being aphrodisiacs, which is defined by Encyclopedia Britannica as forms of stimulation that may arouse sexual excitement. Others, like carrots and asparagus, are lesser known (at least to me).

Below is a list of aphrodisiac foods, courtesy gourmetsleuth.com. Apparently, many of the foods have become known as aphrodisiacs due to resembling male or female genitalia (think banana.)

Next time you have some alone time, with your honey, you may want to put the list to the test. A meal I may try is pasta with a pesto sauce made from pine nuts, served alongside wine, with a fruit salad (raspberries, strawberries, pineapples and bananas) for dessert.

Aniseed
Asparagus
Almond
Arugula
Asafetida
Avocado
Bananas
Basil
Broccoli Rabe (And Other Mustard Greens)
Caffeine
Carrots
Chocolate
Coffee
Coriander (Cilantro seed)
Fennel
Figs
Garlic (I don't know about this one. Garlic breath sure isn't much of a turn on!)
Ginger
Honey
Liquorice
Mustard
Nutmeg
Oysters
Pine Nuts
Pineapple
Raspberries and Strawberries
Truffles
Vanilla
Wine

For recipes using these ingredients and more detailed descriptions about why these foods are aphrodisiacs, click here.

Were you surprised by any food items on the list? Have you found these foods to be aphrodisiacal in the past, or do you think it's all folklore?

Men and tears

Has it come to anyone else's attention that men are completely freaked out when a women starts to cry? Even if they have not caused the tears to start flowing, I think that men believe once the tears start, they won't ever stop.

And so men become deathly afraid when a women's eyes become even just a little teary.

This is not to say that men don't cry, because I have seen many men shed a tear or two. Some aren't that comfortable with their masculinity, and therefore try to keep it all inside, but for the most part — men have no problems crying in situations that warrant a few tears.

But if a girlfriend/wife/friend/co-worker sheds a tear? Watch out — the men go running in all directions of uncomfortable. This week has been more than a little stressful in my own little world. I'm trying to juggle eight million things and actually do my job at the same time — let's just say, I'm not juggling so well. And I thought a good stress-reliever would be to call my BF, who is in fact, usually a very good comforter and is excellent at cheering me up.

But when my voice got a little wavery, he asked, "Are you crying?" And it was accompanied by a tone that almost resembled shock. I knew then I should have called one of my girls and gathered with some adult beverages. It's not that he's never seen me cry (he has) or that he hasn't handled the situation (which he also has done), but I think the mid-week tears were a bit much for him and that the simple explanation of stress didn't really explain the tears in his head.

How does your man handle your tears that seem to come at the weirdest of times? And men, what goes through your head when you see a girl tear up?

Coping with a husband at war

I have no first-hand experience with a loved-one going overseas with the military, but I'm sure it can be more than heart-wrenching for those who stay at home.

Last week I was reading the blog of a young newlywed whose husband was over in Iraq, and his tour of duty was recently extended three more months. The newlywed lamented that she goes to bed every night with her phone next to her in case her husband calls. Her husband missed their anniversary, and he'll likely miss another one. It can be lonely being a military wife, she wrote.

This newlywed is just one example of many women who have husbands in the military. I'm sure nothing can take the place of these husbands, but maybe there are some things the wives can do or some people they can hold on to during this tough time.

If you're in this situation, what are some tips you can share with others about how to get through it? How do you keep yourself sane when the one person you care about the most is put in harm's way every day, thousands of miles away from you?

Top 20 Romantic Movies?

The list below, courtesy of lovingyou.com, counts down what 1,500 people said were the Top 20 Most Romantic Movies. Now, this was a debate a few of my friends and I were having last night.

Of course, in the top 10 is Casablanca, Shakespeare in Love and Say Anything. I agree with the following list with When Harry Met Sally, although I think it should have been higher than 20. I also like Love Actually and Sleepless in Seattle. I pretty much like all of the movies on the list, but I disagree with the order, and the obvious ones that are missing!!

Here is the lovingyou.com list:

20. When Harry Met Sally
19. You've Got Mail
18. Moulin Rouge
17. Dirty Dancing
16. Love Actually
15. Somewhere in Time
14. An Affair To Remember
13. Serendipity
12. City of Angels
11. Love & Basketball
10. Romeo & Juliet
9. An Officer and a Gentleman
8. Gone With The Wind
7. Love Story
6. Sleepless in Seattle
5. A Walk To Remember
4. Pretty Woman
3. Ghost
2. Titanic
1. The Notebook

What do you think?

Finding common ground

Sorry for posting so late on a Friday (I was swamped today), but better late than never, right?

Anyway, to the point ...

About a month or so ago, I realized that besides liking each other, my boyfriend and I really don't have that much in common. He likes "screamy" music, and I like music along the lines of Kelly Clarkson and Hilary Duff. He likes deep independent movies, and I prefer comedies and chick flicks. And when it comes to clothing style, we're totally different.

I asked my boyfriend if he thought this was a problem -- that we didn't have much in common. He said it wasn't because both of us try to appreciate what the other likes. I go to his concerts, and he goes to mine. We take turns picking out movies, and don't pick on each other for the way we dress (OK, maybe I pick on him a little). As long as we respect the each other and our likes and dislikes, we'll be OK.

Of course, when it comes to values, like how people should be treated, we're usually on the same page.

I'm interested in what you guys (and girls) think. Is it important to share the same interests, or can people get along just fine without them?

The decorating debate

I've always been big on pictures.

Scratch that — I'm a FANATIC when it comes to pictures. Taking them, being in them and displaying them for all to see...so much so, that I am pretty sure I missed my calling to be a photographer.

So when my boyfriend and I started dating, I was anxious to get that first picture taken. And let me tell you, the first few of the two of us were not really the greatest — his eyes were closed, my hair was in my face — all bad!!

But the day came when we finally did get a sweet one — but it was about four months into our relationship, and it started the internal debate. Is it too soon to put the picture in a frame? And at that point, is it too soon to put it where people can see? Although some people may think four months is a long time in a relationship, it's really not at all...and there are no guarantees at four months that this relationship will go the distance. So is it really worth it to buy a frame and put it out for all to see?

I didn't think so at that time. I waited, I think, about two more months to put the picture out in my apartment, and then slowly built the number of photos of us up from there.

It may seem silly to put so much thought into displaying a picture, but really, how wants to put it up only to take it down a week later? Especially during such a short time dating — and then, of course, you have to deal with your significant other's reaction. If the person is a commitment-phobe or doesn't like to be rushed, seeing that picture up could spell disaster to the relationship.

Has this ever happened to you? And what was the reaction when the pictures finally started going up?

Who comes first: girlfriend or mom?

Some men just don't know when to cut the cord.

We've all heard horror stories where a man can't stand up to his mom and lets her (a) walk all over him or (b) walk all over his girlfriend/wife. The girlfriend/wife often gets fed up with her man/boy, and threatens him to choose her or his mom. Disaster strikes when he chooses his mom.

Now, to a certain extent, being a "momma's boy" is OK. If your significant other loves him mom, treats her well and looks after her, that's a sign of a man with a good heart. It's when he constantly looks to her for approval and swallows every word as if it were covered in chocolate that you have a problem.

But what can a good girlfriend do about it? She can swallow her pride and put up with it, but that's no good for her own sanity. Or she could kick him to the curb, as this one advice columnist advises.

Personally, I think first you should try to talk to your guy about what he's doing and why it bothers you. If he's just asking mom for advice all the time, ask him if maybe he could come to you or (gasp!) make his own decisions for once. If he's letting him mom bad mouth you and not standing up to her, you should tell him you won't stand for that and if he doesn't clean up his act, you're gone.

Of course, if talking doesn't work, sometimes you just have to break up. Pretty soon he'll learn that there are certain things he can get from you that he can never get from his mom.

Have any of you had experience with a momma's boy? What did you do? Guys, have you ever had to choose between your lover and your mom? This is a two-way street, too. What about daddy's little girls?

I pledge my virginity to you...Dad?

When Jessica Simpson married Nick Lachey, the big news at the time was that she was a virgin no more. Simpson's pledge to her virginity was well-documented, and even high-lighted by the news that her father, Joe had given her a ring that symbolized her commitment to staying a virgin until she was married — which she did.

And now, ceremonies of such a commitment — girls pledging to their fathers that they will stay virgins until marriage — are popping up all over the country.

That's great if a girl wants to stay a virgin...but it is more than a little creepy to have a ceremony to celebrate that virginity and then swear to their dads that they will remain sex-free until marriage. Such a craze is called "Purity Balls" and is becoming a pretty common occurence, according to this article.

It's a great idea to impress upon a young girl that waiting to have sex until you are in a committed and loving relationship is a good idea. However, these balls are like marriages...only to your father. And the ages range from under 10 to early mid-20s — I'm not quite sure an 8-year-old will have the same view on the ceremony as a 25-year-old. One of the "rules" of these balls is to bring girls that have already begun menstrating...double ew.

Again, promoting safe and meaningful sex is one thing, but I think these balls make sex, and even kissing according to one girl, seem bad or wrong in a way — and that is more than a little untrue.

What is your take on these ceremonies? Are they a good thing, or do they cause more harm? And would you go through one?

Traits that make you sizzle or fizzle

All sorts of traits can make a member of the opposite sex appear attractive, even outside of his or her physical appearance.

Last night I was talking with a friend who works with children, and she said how seeing a guy play with kids made him appear extra hot to her. She immediately noted that our friend who dislikes children would probably have looked at the same guy and said, "Blech!"

Some characteristics that often make me look twice at a guy include: a love for puppies, knowledge of how to play an instrument (guitar then piano in order of hotness), the ability to play with children and being a hard worker at his job.

All the things we see a member of the opposite sex do that, basically, makes us want to melt or jump 'em, are indicative of personality traits that are important to us in a mate. Playing with children, for example, indicates that a man would be a good father, so a woman who wants kids may be interested in seeing a man interact with little tykes.

At the same time, some actions can be a complete turn-off. A guy can be a total hottie in my eyes until he lights up a cigarette. And he can be God's gift to women until he shoots a squirrel with a pellet gun. Then all bets are off.

What are some of the little things a man or woman may do that makes you look twice? What do you think that means about what you're looking for in a mate? Conversely, what are some major turnoffs that can make a hottie turn into a dud?

Love is patient

One of my favorite movies is A Walk To Remember. The plot of the movie isn't very important to this post, so for right now all you need to know is that it's a love story.

In the movie, Jamie has Landon read the following quote:

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
(1 Corinthians 13:4)

This is one of my favorite quotes about love. Whether you are religious or not, you have to admit that this quote has power. It describes love in its truest form. It leads me to believe that if love does not bear all these qualities in a relationship, maybe the use of that very powerful word needs to be reconsidered. The quote does not tell us what to do, yet it guides us as to what love is.

What do you think about the above quote? Do any of you have favorite quotes about love? Is there anything we can learn from them?

What it's like to choose....

...and thank goodness, I have no idea what it is like. I made a deal with myself that I would take all precautions necessary not to get pregnant unless I was married, and knock on wood, so far so good.

But recently, I was reading an article by a young professional woman who got pregnant and chose to terminate the pregnancy — a hard decision for her to make, but her reasoning, right or wrong, started when her pill was rendered ineffective after she used antibiotics and steroids to treat poison ivy. She and her fiance were careful — on top of the pill, they also used a condom...which as luck would have it, broke. Not being financially secure, or prepared for a baby, the couple decided that abortion would be the best option.

Now, I understand that this is a very touchy subject. The lines a very clearly drawn between those who don't think abortion is okay in any case, others who think abortion is only okay in rape and incest cases and then of course, there are those who believe it is a woman's right to choose.

For me, I felt for the young woman, who used more than a little precaution and it still happened — I think it is her business and hers alone. I have never been in the position of what it would be like to face an unwanted pregnancy and I hope I never have too...but it's a tough issue to think about, especially if you are in a sexually-active relationship — the possibility is always there, careful or not.

My boyfriend and I have never broached the subject of what we would do if an accident should occur, but I wonder if maybe there should be a plan in place. Or that all couples should at least broach the subject...better safe than facing a hard decision.

Have you ever had this conversation? What was it like, and what decisions did you come to?

**As a note, I know this is a hot topic with many strong feelings for or against, but please try to maintain a sense of civility when answering or commenting. Thanks!**

Get me outta here: Deal-breaking apartments

Any number of malfeasances can cause a good date to go sour. Stepping on your date's feet while dancing, bad breath at the good-night kiss or "forgetting your wallet" are all common deal breakers. Sometimes, though, it's not what your date does, but it's where he lives.

Believe it or not, the condition of your living space possibly could be a deal breaker when it comes to relationships. The New York Times recently ran an amusing article about people who have lost dates and relationships because their significant other did not like their apartments.

One man had a stuffed seal. Another sleeps on sheets he's had since the 1970s. One woman insists her dates use rose-colored light bulbs in their houses. (With that kind of attitude, she's never getting married, or else, her soul mate is probably already wed or gay.)

My own boyfriend's apartment is quite messy -- and I know he'd own up to that in a second -- but I haven't considered breaking up with him because of it. I like him for who he is, not for his apartment. And maybe the joke's on me on this one, but I'd like to think that if we lived together he would be less messy just because he wouldn't be the only one living there.

I'd venture to guess that people who break up because of apartments had other reasons they were not right for each other and use the apartment as an excuse.

Have any of you dated anyone who had a bad apartment or house? What was it like? Have you ever broken up with someone because of their living space? What are some deal breakers that you may find inside the home (like those old sheets and stuffed seal)?

I like him...he likes her?

What would you do if you found out the guy you have been seeing recently had a well-known crush on one of his female friends, who was in fact, in love with someone else?

This is a dilemna facing one of my good friends. She has recently started seeing this guy, only to find out that he had long-harboring feelings for someone else — someone, it should be noted, that it doesn't seem he has much of a chance with. It's a fairly tricky situation, isn't it? My friend found out this interesting tid-bit from a third party, so there is no telling whether or not there is any truth to it, but the idea that it might be true is still out there.

Which brings me to this question — would you date someone who had a known crush on someone else, even if nothing was to come of it? My only worry would be that the other person would decide that it might be a good idea to give dating the person I liked a try, and then I would be cast aside fairly quickly. At the same time, is it worth not giving a possible relationship a try just because there may or may not be a chance he has an interest in someone else?

It's a tough choice, because really — don't most people have multiple crushes at one point or another? Most of those, we don't act on anyway, so they shouldn't be all that big of deal!

What would you do in this situation?