We're all friends, right?

I had a teacher in 11th grade who taught us the rule of "Mom's Corollary." The rule states that if you learn something new, or hear something for the first time, then you will recognize that new thing repeatedly in your life. Last night, I felt like I was living Mom's Corollary.

Earlier in the evening I was driving to an assignment, and I had the radio on. The DJs were having an in-depth discussion about what you do when you break up with someone and you have mutual friends with the person you broke up with. They talked about all different sorts scenarios, like what you would do if you brought the friends into the relationship or what you would do if you made the friends together. Either situation is tricky. Just because a couple has broken up, that doesn't automatically mean everyone won't be friends anymore.

So after my assignment was over, I went out with some friends and my boyfriend. Well, a little bit later my boyfriend's ex (who I guess is still friends with his friends) showed up. My boy and I ended up leaving a little early (a) because I was tired and (b) because he didn't want to hang out around his ex. (Mom's Corollary!)

So what do you do? If you make friends with your boyfriend's friends and then you break up, do you still retain those friendships? What if you made mutual friends while you were going out? Obviously, you all wouldn't be able to hang out as a group ... or would you?

Love letters

About six months into my relationship with my BF, he went overseas for 55 days. Not an incredibly long time, mind you, but I tried to send care packages and cards every couple of days while he was gone.

And at one point, I reached back into the days before e-mail and composed a letter. I hadn't written letters since I was a young kid, and even then I think it was merely a hello not to my Grandma. But this one was difficult. I wanted it to be interesting and funny, and not incredibly mushy.

Luckily, I apparently penned it perfectly. He told me that he liked the letter, and was glad it didn't fall into the following categories: 1. The "I can't live without you, you are my life" type letter, or 2. "You're great, but I slept with your best friend and am now dumping you." I pretty much steered clear of both (obviously the second wasn't warranted, and I definitely limited the mushy).

But letters, especially to your significant other, can be difficult to write, and sometimes don't come out maybe the way they were supposed to. I've never received a creepy love letter and I definitely don't think I have sent one.

What do you think about writing love letters? Is it still cute, or just weird? What's the best one you have ever gotten? Or on the flip side, what has some of the scariest been like?

Getting back together

Sometimes, once just isn't enough.

Some people date one person, have one relationship and one break-up, and it's over. But then there are others who date one person, have a relationship, break up, get back together, break up, get back together, and so on and so forth until they either (a) get married or (b) break up (again).

I broke up and got back together with someone only one time. And I'm not even sure if you can call it "getting back together" as opposed to "ending a long argument" since we were "broken up" for about 24 hours. Most of my friends didn't even know we broke up that first time.

That experience, though, and hearing others' experiences, has led me to believe that if you break up once -- even if it's only for 24 hours -- you probably should stay broken up. Something wasn't working enough for you to want to call it quits once, and the chances are that it's going to happen again. When I had my 24-hour break up, I really, really didn't want to break up. I was heartbroken, and not ready to call it quits. But sure enough, a few months later, I was back on the phone, having the same phone call.

If you're meant to be together, you'll know, and if you're not ... well, you'll know that, too. At least, in your heart you will if you look hard enough.

Have you ever broken up and gotten back together with someone? How did that go? Do people ever stay together in those situations, or does it just delay the final break up? Do you think you should give up once, or give people a second chance?

Cat, Dog, or no animal person?

I never had any pets growing up — well, except for those goldfish that live about five days — so needless to say, I don't consider myself much of an "animal person."

So you can imagine my reaction when my boyfriend said he had a "surprise" for me, and the informed me that he had picked up a dog at a shelter. I laughed — mainly because my first thought was, "This is no surprise for me!!" : ) Slowly, I came around, which was important when he added a second dog to his household. And these two dogs are wonderfully sweet.

I got fairly lucky, but what do you do when you love dogs and your BF or GF is allergic? Or if one of you likes dogs and one likes cats? Is it difficult to maintain a relationship with one animal lover and one not-so-animal lover? For me, I actually spent time with the first dog the week my BF picked her up, so she grew on me. But if I hadn't liked her, I can imagine a sense of friction would soon follow.

How do you handle an "animal" situation?

You don't know me

In an ideal world, significant others would remember every little fact about their mates, from what kind of shampoo they prefer to how old they were when they got their first kiss.

However, we live in an imperfect world, and no one remembers everything about the other person. I admit, I couldn't tell you my boyfriend's favorite article of clothing or his favorite smell. And I'm guessing there's a hodge podge of facts he couldn't tell you about me.

Memories are funny things. Men can memorize facts like football line ups and baseball statistics but have a horrible time remembering a woman's favorite pair of shoes. Women can remember the exact date Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey broke up but can't recall the name of their mate's favorite quarterback. Is this proof of our priorities?

And to what extent do the so-called "little things" even matter? Can how much we care for each other be measured by knowing how many sugars each person likes in coffee? If these things don't matter, what does?

Don't go ink yourself....

It happened again. Another story from the troubled world that is Celebrity emerged this week when Paris Hilton is apparently having a tattoo removed. The tattoo was the name of former boyfriend Nick Carter, and for some reason Hilton thought it would be a good idea to brand herself with his name. Because she has such good track records in relationships.

Using tattoos to express the amount of "love" felt for another person is not limited to celebrities, however. I have heard on more than one occasion of every day people falling in love and feeling it's a great idea to put that other person's name permanently on them. One time, I'd met this 14-year-old who said she was madly in love with her boyfriend, planned on marrying him on day and her mom was taking her to the tattoo parlor. Now there's an example of messed-up parenting.

I just really have to wonder if there has been any idea worse than tattooing the name of your significant other somewhere on your body? How does this seem like a a smart move? Especially when, more often than not, those couples seem to break up before the ink can even settle. Being swept up in the passion of the moment is one thing, branding yourself without true knowledge that the relationship is going to last as long as the tattoo is another.

Sure, tattoos can be removed, but that's apparently more painful than getting the tattoo in the first place. Or you can cover it up — but it seems the knowledge of what's underneath is always there. And if the relationship ends badly, do you really want to literally carry it around forever? No thanks.

Have you ever gotten a tattoo like this? And how has it worked out?

Bad date drama

It starts out innocently enough.

A boy looks your way, asks your number, actually calls and asks you out on a date.

You accept.

On the night of the date, you get all dolled up (or sexified, depending on what image you're trying to portray), and eagerly anticipate the following four to six hours.

Sometimes it goes smooth. He opens doors, you chat, you laugh, he compliments, you smile, and at the end of the night, you're left with a woozy feeling.

Sometimes it just doesn't work out. You go to dinner, you don't have much to say (and neither does he), you just don't click, and at the end of the night, you go home and go straight to bed.

And then, there's the bad date.

I've had a number of bad dates, but this one ranks up in the Top 5:

I met Boy at a party of a (sort of) mutual friend. We seemed to hit it off OK, so when he called me and asked me out to dinner and a movie, I readily accepted. Mother Nature was working against us the night of our date, and it was raining. Unfortunately, it also rained inside his car, as water leaked in on me through the door. It was still early on, and the rain wasn't really his fault, I told myself, so I was still game.

We arrived at dinner at some chain restaurant in a somewhat wet state. Conversation was not going well. We're finally seated, and he starts talking about the size of his hands. Then he says: "You know what they about guys with big hands?" and he half winked at me. I just sort of smiled, but really, that is not first-date dinner conversation! Dinner went on, rather uneventfully as he continued to talk about himself, making sure to include all the different colleges he was accepted to, how smart he was and what an upstanding person he was in general.

After that, we went and saw the movie SWAT. All through the movie I silently pleaded that he not touch me. Finally, we got to leave. And both of us dejectedly went home.

What was a bad date that you went on? What are some things that kill a date?

The sweetest way I was surprised was....

There might not be any better feeling than when your significant other goes a little out of his or her way to surprise you. It shows that they were thinking about you and that they went out of their way to let you know that you were on your mind.

I remember all the times my BF surprised me, and one of the best was the first time he ever sent me flowers at work. Getting flowers may be one of the sweetest gestures ever, and I remember that day perfectly. We were supposed to meet for lunch, and he was running a little late to pick me up from work. He told me it was because he had to go home to get his wallet, but as it turns out, it was because he had picked out on of the prettiest bouquets and after he dropped me off, they were waiting for me at work. I still have the dried flowers in a vase in my room.

Let's hear from you. What surprise has your significant other done for you that really sticks out? Or are they all equally special in your mind?

Celebrating by the day, week, month and year

By the very meaning of the word, an anniversary occurs once a year. It is an annual celebration for the recurrance of a yearly event. However, when it comes to relationships, the word "anniversary" is used rather loosely.

A couple who has just met, for instance, may celebrate their one-week "anniversary." Another may celebrate their "anniversary" monthly. I'm pretty sure most of us use the term for lack of a better word (Happy Monthsary just doesn't sound right), but still, does it ever reach a point where enough is enough?

I have a friend who said he hated it when girlfriends wanted to celebrate their "anniversary" every month. In my relationships, I don't expect a full out celebration, but a text message, phone call or mention in passing is nice. Months are like mini-milestones, and eventually, if all goes well, you'll get your real anniversary. (However, I am a fan of a celebration for the six-month anniversary).

Counting weeks is a little much, though. I'm not gonna lie; when I first start dating someone, if I'm really excited, I count the weeks for about a month, but after that, I quit. We have so many other things going on in our lives, we can't count weeks, too. What's next, counting days, hours, minutes. Can you imagine someone saying: Happy Anniversary, sweetie! We've now been together 3,876 hours and 32 minutes.

What do you think? Do anniversaries matter? How many anniversaries are too many?

Converting for love

I was watching one of my favorite shows, "Sex and the City," last night, and it was the episode where Charlotte decides to convert to Judaism so that she can marry Harry. During the whole process, she puts up a Christmas tree one more time and goes slightly crazy trying to learn everything she can about her newly-embraced religion.

Maybe it is because I have never been faced with that situation, but I can't really ever imagine being able to give up certain core beliefs, such as my religion, for the sake of a relationship. Many of the religions are so similar that converting isn't really much of an issue. But when you throw such religions as Judaism, Buddhism or the Muslim faith into the mix, things tend to get a bit trickier.

The only instance of inter-faith relationships I have ever witnessed was the one between my brother and his wife. My family was raised Lutheran, while my sister-in-law's family is Catholic. As most familiar with religion know, there really isn't all that many differences between the two faiths. My brother didn't convert, but my nephew and niece are being raised Catholic and more often than not, my brother attends the Catholic Church. Not really a big deal at all.

But what happens when it's Judaism and Lutheranism that meet and want to date, or even marry. Christmas is my favorite time of year, and there is no way that I could just pretend that something I believed in for my entire life just all of a sudden doesn't exist. It could never happen for me. If I was ever faced with that decision I would have to find a common ground, perhaps celebrate both religions. It may get confusing and overwhelming, but I would think it would be better than asking one side to give up an essential part of them.

What do you think? Would you convert? Have you converted? And how does it help/hurt the relationship as a whole?

Honey, I'm home!

A month or so ago, my friend was discussing the possibility of living with her boyfriend. Her parents, she said, were totally against it, and both her mom and dad had different reasons. She said her dad believes that a man and woman should not live together before marriage, period. It's just wrong. Her mom said my friend shouldn't live with her beau because when/if they got married, it would take away some of the specialness of coming home to her husband for the first time. My friend said that she didn't know what she was going to do, but when the time came, if it made more sense financially, she might do it.

I really have no solid opinion on the topic. I can see both sides and do not know what I would do in that situation. On one hand, living together is a good way to get to know another person. You'll learn all their quirky habits that you may not see when they're home alone at their own place. You'll truly find out if you are able to live 24/7 with a person. It can bring you closer and help you decide if you're ready for marriage. If you're in a financially tight situation, it also can help cut down on rent payments.

On the other hand, there's this saying: Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? I know this saying is old and ends up comparing me to a cow, but my fear is if there is some truth in it. Living together may simply postpone marriage, which I consider the ultimate end I want to reach. Also, you and your partner may become complacent living together, and the relationship may just become one of convenience, not love. Besides, what do you do if you break up? Then, not only do you have to deal with a break-up but also an impending move.

I guess what it all comes down to is that you have to trust your partner. If you decide to move in together, you have to together decide that it's the right thing and the right direction you want to move in.

What do you think about living together before marriage? Is it a good idea or a bad idea? Have you ever regretted moving in with someone?

To change or not to change?

A friend of mine from college always had a debate about changing last names once we got married. He said he wouldn't marry a woman who wouldn't change her name, and I was fairly adamant on keeping my last name, even after marriage.

I'm not quite sure what he would have thought of this story, but I have a feeling he wouldn't think it was the brightest idea in the world. In case you can't read the link, there is a man in California who wants to take his wife's last name. It's a bit more of a pain and costs a lot of money, but he wants to take her family's name.

I'd kind of wavered on the whole changing the last name. Professionally, I'll probably keep it the same — I don't want my byline to change after going by the one I use now all these years. But personally, I'll take my husband's last name. The older I get, the more I see how it is a sense of pride. Like, we're together and we're a team.

But there is no way I would want my husband to take my last name. I guess I am a little bit more traditional than I thought because that idea seems just weird to me!

What do you think? Would you want to take your wife's name, or would you like you husband to take your name? Or does tradition rule in this case?

Everybody does it, but nobody likes to admit it

When we're first dating someone, we all like to believe that our significant other just doesn't have certain bodily functions. And we make every effort to cover up the fact that we do.

Using the bathroom, burping and having flatuence are all of our hidden secrets. We will hold it in to the point of pain. Like a woman teetering on a pair of very uncomfortable high-heeled shoes, we suck it up, just to impress our new mate. It's especially tough for women. Although men are believed to be smelly and burpy, women are supposed to be clean and dainty. And letting one rip while watching a movie at home doesn't exactly perpetuate that stereotype.

But later in the relationship, something changes. You'll reach a point when you're absolutely comfortable with the other person, and before you know it, something will slip out. Your first thought may be mortification, but after that, relief settles in because now you know that your sweetheart likes you no matter what.

Discussing this reminds me of an episode of "How I Met Your Mother," which, by the way, is hilarious. In this particular episode, Lily and Marshall (who I think are engaged, but may have just been dating for a really long time), get stuck in a bathroom together. Eventually, Lily has to go to the bathroom, but she refuses to pee in front of Marshall. It's the one last piece of mystery in the relationship, she says. She just CAN'T do it. But eventually the urge to pee is too great, and she uses the bathroom (as long as Marshall stands in the bathtub behind the shower curtain).

I, personally, have never used the bathroom in front of a significant other or even used the bathroom with the door open. I already have a complex about him being able hear me do my business, so that's just not going to happen. Some things just need to remain private. However, in terms of other bodily functions, I think it's great when you can finally relax and do those things around your guy (or gal).

What do you think? Should people hide their bodily functions forever or does a relationship reach a point, when you no longer have to pretend that these things don't happen? How long does it usually take? Weeks, months, years? Has the revelation of these functions too soon resulted in a break-up (or no subsequent date)?

Sleep positions

Apparently, yet another way to judge the strength of your relationship is in the way you and your significant other sleep! Read below:
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"What Your Sleep Styles Say About You! by Lissa Coffey"

The Spoon
"Spooning" or sleeping facing the same directions with full body contact: This is a nurturing position with the outside "spooner" giving comfort to the inside "spoon." This also shows mutuality, equality, both people are facing in the same direction, as if to say: "We see the same things."

Shingles (man face up, woman face up with head on shoulder)
Man on his back, woman curled up at his side: This position he is saying: "I am vulnerable to you" much like in the animal kingdom when an animal reveals his bare belly. He is giving her his trust. And she is saying: "My attention is on you, I am comfortable with you." This position leads to more sexual intimacy, it says: I am open to be touched He is giving her his shoulder. She is giving him her touch. He gets her hands all over him. She gets his openness, and sees him in a way no one else does. This makes both of them feel special.

Sweetheart's Cradle (man face up, woman face down on his chest)
He is saying: "I am here to protect you." She is saying: "I need your warmth and comfort. Let me be a blanket of love for you." In this position, the man's hands are free to stroke the woman's back and hair. He is doing the touching and she is responding to it by melting into him.

Leg Hug (legs intertwined)
This is a way for both to say: "Our lives are intertwined. We are in this together. I go where you go." This is a way you can meld two different individual sleep styles and still feel close. If one person is huddled under the covers and the other is throwing off the sheets, you can still manage to touch feet in the middle somewhere! The old "foot feel" works wonders after a fight. Sometimes there are no more words, and you don't want to go to bed angry. When the bare foot meets the leg it's a signal that says: "We're all right. Let's make up." And then when the foot feel is returned it's a signal that you can move closer, things are okay.

Butt Hug (back to back with butts touching)
Both on sides, lying back to back: This position creates a little personal space. When touching it says "I'm here for you." This is a mutual way of saying: "I love you even when I'm sleeping." After all, you don't touch butts with just *anyone*! This is a way of being intimate and still getting your rest. The symmetry says "we're in sync! We're on the same page - get some rest and let's cuddle in the morning!"

This article may be forwarded or re-printed as long as all of the following information is included in the text: by Lisa Marie Coffey ©2003 For media requests, information or to sign up for FREE Weekday Wisdom, visit: coffeytalk.com
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Another good article that takes a look at sleep positions is here.

Personally, I am a big fan of the spoon position with the leg hug mixed in — and I think the definition of the those two fit my relationship for the most part. I'm not one to sleep facing my BF — a little too much contact — but I definitely like contact when I go to sleep. I know more than a few people, however, who stay on opposites sides of the bed. I have read that this means a distance is in the relationship, but I think some people just prefer not to be smothered while sleeping (although maybe that's a whole other issue).

What is your preferred sleep pattern? And do you agree with the definition given?

Please, baby. For me?

Last night a male friend told me that with the use of my "feminine wiles," as he called them, I could pretty much get whatever I wanted out of my guy.

True or not, hearing that bothered me for several reasons. First, that implies that I would want to be conniving and manipulating toward my boyfriend because, let's face it, if you're using your "feminine wiles" to get what you want, you're probably being manipulating. Second, I wondered how my boyfriend would take it if I held things like kisses and hugs over his head just to get what I wanted. Third, I worried if I had used those tactics already.

Had I, at times, unknowingly smiled a little brighter or looked a little cuter just to get what I wanted? Probably. I'm sure he didn't sit down and watch that Hilary Duff movie with me purely because he thought it was a good, thought-provoking film. But nothing was lost by him doing that, except maybe an 1 1/2 hours of his life. So was there really a problem?

Women: Have you ever used your feminine wiles to get what you wanted? Did it work? Do most women do this? Is doing so really fair to the guy? Men: What do you think about women using their charm to get what they want? Do you know when it's happening?

Hanging out with an ex

I recently read a story in a magazine that said that Angelina Jolie would like to meet with Jennifer Aniston and discuss what happened between Jolie and Brad Pitt.

I can't imagine anything more awkward. Maybe it would go something like this:

Angelina: Hi, I'm sorry I am a homewrecker who instead of squashing any feelings I had for a married man, I stole him away and then had his child.

Jennifer's response? Well, I can think of a number of things, but I am not quite sure they are printable responses.

Can you imagine being in a situation where your past love and his or her's current ex would like to meet with you? I can't, and I'll tell you, it would never happen. I think it would be one of the hardest things in the world, having a spouse or significant other cheat on you, then want to "hangout" with you and the current flame. There would be no way. It doesn't seem like a healthy thing to do. Obviously, if you had kids with that person, you'd need to find a common ground. But otherwise, why would you want to put yourself in a situation like that? Or maybe in some cases it's a good way to move on.

What do you think? How would you handle something like that?

-- Roxy --

Love on the silver screen

Living at my apartment has been pretty boring over the past week. On the first day of the new year, my home computer died and I don't have cable, so my options of by-myself-at-home entertainment have been pretty limited. As a result, I've been watching lots of movies, and most of them have been chick flicks.

I've watched The Perfect Man, A Lot Like Love and most recently A Walk to Remember. And after watching all of them, I began to wonder if Hollywood was causing me to have unrealistic expectations of love. I have a guy friend who once told me that he hated movies like A Walk to Remember because no guy could ever live up to the ideal guy in the movie. The ideal guy is romantic, yet tough, loves unconditionally and will do anything for the woman of his dreams, including sticking by her in the toughest of times, even if it makes him an outcast.

At one point in A Walk to Remember, Shane West's character tells Mandy Moore's character that she inspires him. As a result of seeing this, my friend has made it her goal to inspire someone. She has a bracelet with the words "inspire" engraved on it. I hope someday that perfect guy will come around and tell her that she inspires him.

But how likely is that to happen? Are romantic comedies, love stories and chick flicks altering our perception of what love is? Are those movies too perfect and too ideal? Is there any reason to believe something like this can happen in real life?

Picking a date....

One of my good friends from college got married over the holidays.

New Year's Eve, in fact.

And I had been so excited to go to this wedding, because as it turns out, weddings are when most of my closest friends from college can all get together. And I couldn't wait — until I heard the date. And then I wasn't so excited. Because it was on New Year's Eve, and nine hours away from where I live, it would make scheduling my Christmas vacation just a little tricky. In a fun twist, my family lives 12 hours away by car.

So what is one to do? Cut time short with the family, as well as skimp on Christmas presents, to afford going to the out-of-state wedding? Or miss seeing my friends for the first time in a long time, and the only time until who knows when? Well, I choose the family and more time and better presents.

Now, here comes the tricky part — I still feel guilty about missing it. It may have been inconvienient for me, but it's their day, and the only time they will ever get married — how could I have missed that?? It's not the first time this has happened. One of my cousins got married the Saturday after Thanksgiving, but work schedules made it impossible to make it. I have made one rule, and that is that I won't get married near a Holiday....I don't want to have any of my friends miss my wedding, and selfishly, I want my wedding to stand out.

Have you ever been in the hard position of picking a date for your wedding? Or have you been in the similar position of choosing a wedding or celebrating with family? And how do deal with it?

Getting back in the saddle

With all the break-ups couples apparently are set to endure this month (see Roxy's post, below), I wonder: how long will each person wait before dating another person?

As another blogger dutifully noticed two days ago, I recently broke up with my boyfriend who I was in a long distance relationship with. Long story short: I couldn't take the distance anymore. Not long after we broke up (about 2 1/2 weeks) I started dating another guy, who lives in the same town as me. Admittedly, I feel guilty sometimes about dating someone so soon after ending a relationship. I have often wondered what the appropriate amount of time to wait is before seeing someone else.

So, bloggers, is there any set time? Should there be a mourning period that lasts for a specific length, depending on the length of the relationship?

Not-so-happy New Year

With resolutions and new beginnings swirling around, it's easy to anticipate the excitement of the upcoming New Year.

But while some rejoice the beginnings, others — mainly couples — embrace the endings. So much so, that January is the unoffical break-up month, and in London, there is even a day dedicated to terminating relationships! (For those interested in a good date, apparently Jan. 12 is the National Break-Up Day in the U.K.).

It's fairly obvious why some people may view January as a good break-up month. The Holidays are over, so you don't need to deal with the stress while trying to enjoy yourself, and Valentine's Day is still a month away — plenty of time to find a date if you so desire!

It's funny how people time break-ups. I have had more than a few friends delay a break-up or speed it up to miss certain events such as an anniversary or wedding or a holiday. Personally, I have found break-ups can't really be timed because more often than not, it comes at a moment you least expect (even if you have been planning on ending the relationship prior to it actually happening!)

Are you one of those people planning a January break-up, or have you gone through one? What's the attraction there, and is it really the perfect time?

A new year for love

Each turn of the new year gives all of us the chance to start fresh. We can forget our mistakes of 2006, learn from them and go into 2007 ready to take on whatever is thrown at us -- and that includes anything in our love life.

For me, the new year brings a new relationship. That means new pre-date jitters, new kisses and inevitably new dating catastrophes. Only mere hours into 2007 I already embarrassed myself in front of my date. But I plan to take it all in stride, laugh and just have fun. I see sun shining in my love forecast for this year.

This morning on Ellen DeGeneres' TV show, Ellen read New Year's resolutions from children in the 5th grade. One boy's resolution for 2007 was "to get married." He was perhaps a bit misguided on how long a year actually is (I mean, he should probably wait a little bit longer), but no doubt some of you have made that your goal for this year. What are some other plans you have for the new year? Do you want to meet a man (or a woman), fall in love, end a dying relationship, rekindle the romance with an old flame or perhaps just hook up with as many people as possible? What's your dating forecast for 2007?