Babies...or baggage?

Would you date someone who had a child, or children, from a previous relationship?

This was a question that came up after a conversation between my boyfriend and me after we discussed having children — not whether we wanted to have kids but rather the fact that, thankfully, both of us have escaped having any mini-me's running around. We've both taken many precautions while we have been together and in previous relationships to ensure that there are no oops' in our lives.

Right now, as a 25-year old who is about to turn 26, my view on having children hasn't changed much — I'm pretty certain I don't want any kids. For some, that may seem unheard of, why wouldn't anyone want to have a child? But, for now and probably well into the forseen future, I have to many things on my own agenda that I want to accomplish and am unwilling to relinquish. I don't think with that attitude I should be put in charge of raising another human being. Although it would probably make some therapist happy.

Which is why the thought of dating someone with a child is equally weird for me. My boyfriend has the same view as I do when it comes to having children, so he thankfully didn't have kids when we started dating (and obviously still doesn't). But I have to be honest — I don't know if the relationship would be what it is now if he had a child.

I realize how completely unfair that is, especially as I have a couple of girlfriends with children who are looking for loves of their life but face the rejection from many men not interested on taking on a complete family. I can sympathize with my friends, because it isn't easy finding love, but I can also see the man's point of view because I have some of the same reservations about dating someone with kids.

Of course an argument is, what if he is a great guy, what if you are missing out? And while I have never been in a situation when it comes to dating someone with kids, I am more inclined now to say that I may not pursue it. You never know though. Would you date someone with a child? Or would it be to much baggage to deal with?

Is an ex off limits for friends?

This weekend I had a discussion with my boyfriend about my last blog post regarding man laws. He informed me that the idea comes from a set of Miller Lite commercials where a group of guys are sitting around a table discussing whether certain actions are appropriate under "man law." For example, do you toast beer at the bottom or the top of the bottle? Can you take beer that you brought to a party home with you when you leave?

One commercial discusses when a guy can go after a friend's ex. One guy says at least a month, another says at least two Saturdays (or a new haircut, whichever comes first). They come to the conclusion that it is OK to date a friend's ex after six months as long as she's really hot.

If you talk to girls, they'll tell you that it's never OK to date a friend's ex. However, many do it anyway. I concede, there are times when it would be OK, like if it wasn't serious or if you only went on one date. And even that would only be acceptable if the friend broke up with the guy. She has to be truly over him (or not even have liked him in the first place) for it to be OK for a girl to go after a friend's ex. And the friend should ask the other friend first.

Then, there are some sticky situations, like when a friend doesn't actually go out with a guy, but she has made it known that she likes him. Can she basically call dibs on the guy while the friends just sit on the sidelines and watch, no matter what happens?

Men and women: Is it ever acceptable to date someone a friend has dated? If so, how long do you wait? What about if the friend calls dibs on a guy or girl? Is that person still fair game?

Correction: In Thursday's blog I wrote that I was at eye-level with my boyfriend when I wear heels. He would like to make it known that he is 5'10" and, since I am 5'4", he is still two inches taller than me when I'm in heels.

Pet names..sweet or sickening?

I never really noticed an interesting fact about my sister and her husband until I spent a week with the two of them together.

And, during the course of that week, it dawned on me that I don't believe they know each other's real names. Because all I heard was, "Baby, can you get me some water?" or "Baby, where is the remote?"...that's all it was...Baby, Baby, Baby. And it was accompanied by a voice, that certainly for my brother-in-law, just shouldn't be used.

Now, I know people call each other "Honey" or "Babe" or "Baby." It's quite normal in many relationships to have a "pet name" for your significant other. Personally, I'm not really the "baby" type, but I'm not all against it either. I may not go to the sugary sweet side, but I'll occasionally use a nickname or two for my BF and vice versa. Both of us would probably think the other had gone mad if we ever tried to venture into the "Sweetie" zone, because it's just not us.

But while I think little pet names can be cute, I also believe there is a line that gets crossed when it stops being cute and becomes downright annoying. Especially if you are hanging out with the couple who can't string together two words without throwing a "Handsome" or "Beautiful" in between. I once had a friend who made it impossible to be around when she was talking to her boyfriend. She used a weird voice and said "Oh Babe" every other word.

It was excrutiating.

But then again, I'm not a pet name all the time type of person. Maybe the majority thought is that pet names are cute and shouldn't be used sparingly, in fact, they can't be used enough. Do you believe pet names can cross the line? Or are they the best thing ever and everyone should have one?

Does size really matter?

It's hard to kiss tall people.

As a relatively short person (I'm 5'4") if I date someone considerably taller, it always makes kissing difficult. I have to awkwardly get up on my tiptoes, sometimes resulting in a cramped calf or two, and he has to hunch over. Plus, if you're in a standing-up make-out session, you just don't line up correctly with the other person.

My boyfriend is only slightly taller than me. If I don't have on shoes or am wearing flats, he's just a bit higher. If I'm in heels, we're at eye-level. It makes for easy access to the lips.

However, some women like really tall guys. I have a friend who is also my height but her ideal guy is at least 6 feet tall. I have another friend who is probably about 5'8" to 6 feet, and she will not date a guy shorter than her. At the other end of the spectrum, some men like really short women. Traditionally, when you think of a man and a woman, the woman is always shorter than the man. So does that make it wrong for a man to be shorter than his girl?

A co-worker told me that a male friend of hers said that if the guy was shorter than the girl, he was breaking some sort of "man code." He would lose man points just because of his height -- something he can't even control!

So I pose the question to you: Ladies, would you date a man shorter than you? Men, would you date a woman taller than you? When it comes right down to it: Does size really matter?

(For all those who started out this post with their mind in the gutter, here's a random fact for you, courtesy Macon Love's Tuesday night trip to trivia: The longest erection is 15 inches long. I'll just let you ponder that for now.)

He's the baby

One of my best friends was so excited about her boyfriend's upcoming birthday a little while back, and was planning a party at the home they shared for their friend's and family. She had picked a day, worked around everyone's schedule and was planning the food and decorations before she hit one major roadblock — his mother.

The mother decided SHE wanted to hold the party, and became so overbearing that my friend finally erased all of her original plans, and wiped her hands of the whole thing. The mom got her way, the party and a visit from her baby boy — everything she wanted.

It is not a secret that guys are supposedly "Momma's Boys," and when you come across the worst of the worst, the mom can't even leave her house with calling her "baby" to let him know where she is going, and when she'll be back. And of course, the boy never backs down to his mom — always taking her phone calls, always visiting when she asks, always taking her advice.

The problem with that is when a man already has one woman taking up a majority of time in his life, he doesn't always have time to devote the energy he needs to another one. It is for that reason that makes it dangerous to get involved with one of these guys. At first he is wonderful, and look how cute he is with his mom. But then as the relationship evolves and becomes more serious, that orginal cuteness turns into a downright annoyance. But you can't make a guy choose between his mother and you, because that is a losing battle.

I've never gotten involved with a guy that is so wrapped around his mother's finger he can't think straight, but I have commiserated on my friend's experience. She has been with the guy long enough that she can talk to him about it, and he is making baby-steps into becoming an adult and not doing everything his mother asks, but some girls aren't so lucky. Some have to deal with the mom coming and cleaning the house, doing laundry and cooking meals — stuff the girlfriend would like to do every once and awhile...or at least pretend to want to do.

How do you handle a "momma's boy?" Are they forever hopeless, or is there a way to balance mom and girlfriend?

I'm sorry, I have to wash my hair

The other day my friend called me to say that a guy at work asked her out.

"Awesome! That's great!" I said.

"No, no it's not," she replied.

My friend, in her early 20s, had been propositioned by a guy too old for her liking.

"If I said he was in his 40s, that would be generous," she said.

So what did she do? She blurted out the first thing that came to her mind: "I just started dating someone."

A total lie. One that is verifiable, mind you. Given more time to think, she should have opted for the "I don't date people I work with," which is much more legitimate and a good rule to go by anyway. But that's a different blog.

So that brings me to ask: How do you let someone down ?

You can try to save face for the other person, by making up some lie about yourself (ie, "I have mono.") You could claim that you're just not interested in members of the opposite sex, and same sex relationships are more your thing. Or you could be downright cruel and laugh in their face, saying "Ha! Me? Go out with YOU? Seriously."

I usually go out with anyone who asks at least once. You never know if you'll like someone until you give them a chance. But sometimes, you know you're not into the other person and you never will be, so what to do?

How do you let down someone you're not interested in?

Grin and bear it

I've been getting lots of e-mails recently from my friends asking me to send out lists regarding what I'd like for my birthday and Christmas (both are in December), and it got me thinking about the gift-giving season. (Who cares that we haven't even hit Halloween?)

It's the easiest thing to do — send out lists of things you want, and happily, you get almost all that you asked! And with friends, it is the best way to go. They don't have to go crazy thinking of a gift, and vice versa, and it helps keep the spending to a minimum.

But it's different with your boyfriend. Most girls I know, instead of telling their BFs what they want, like to see what he can come up with...it's the one time he has no choice but to surprise us.

And yet, sometimes, being surprised can backfire.

Personally, I have never been disappointed with my boyfriend. Mainly because he thinks of things he would want to get, and then in turn, gets them for me. Last year, it resulted in a kick-ass digital camera that I still get compliments on. The year before? A top-notch DVD player complete with surround sound speakers.

I know, I am a lucky girl. And never once, did I have to give him a list or tell him what I wanted, he just knew to get me things I would like, or things I would never buy myself but would thoroughly enjoy.

But I am sure there are some horror stories out there (like the time my size-small friend received a horrific patterned, size XL sweater from her BF and made him swear he would never buy her clothers again). We want to hear the less-than-wonderful gifts you have received...and we also want to hear how you handled it. Did you grin and bear it? Return it? Or lock yourself in the bathroom crying that your BF or GF doesn't know you at all?

Hot or not?

Last night I went out with a group of co-workers for trivia at Buffalo's. We got to talking about certain famous women and what attracted guys to them. Roxy said she didn't understand how guys thought Scarlett Johannson was hot, calling her a "butter face" -- meaning everything about her was hot, but her face. Our male company promptly disagreed. One said Ms. Johannson had the girl nextdoor appeal, and the other just insisted that she had a smokin' body.

One of the men was practically drooling talking about Jessica Alba, snapping back at another guy who called her "overrated."

"That's like saying the lottery is overrated!" the Jessica Alba admirer retorted.

I personally, don't see the attraction to Sarah Jessica Parker, and, for the most part, the guys agreed with me. I also don't see the attraction to Angelina Jolie (I just think she looks weird), but I didn't have the chance to get a second opinion.

Why is it that men think some women are hot, and other women do not see them as pretty in the least? Women: who do you think isn't as pretty as men make her out to be? Men: what do you think about celebrities women dote on? Are they as hot as we think?

The Truth in Numbers

I was catching up with a close friend of mine a couple of nights ago, and she was telling me about her dating life over the past couple of months. Nothing serious developed from any of them, but she had gotten intimate with a couple.

She wasn't so much concerned that none of them turned into anything concrete, but she was a bit upset about her current "number." You know, that single, double, and in some incomprehensible cases, triple-digit number of partners you have had in your lifetime. In my mind, it wasn't all that terrible, but somewhere in the mix of college's reckless abandon and post-college dating, the number had climbed just a bit —— without her even realizing it.

I told her not to worry about it, because in the grand scheme of things, she is the only person who really needs to know the truth about how many guys she has slept with. It wasn't my business and it isn't the next person she dates' business either.

When you get down to it, the only thing you need to discuss before sleeping with a a current or possible partner is whether or not you have or ever had an STD. How many people you have been with, what sorts of things you have done and where is irrelevant. Especially if it's not all that flattering to you, and in the background of your mind you are ashamed of it. Telling someone and seeing a horrified reaction isn't really going to ever make you feel that great, so why not save yourself the hassle?

Personally, I have always told my number when asked, mostly because I'm not ashamed of it (although, no, I am not going to broadcast it on here). It's not high or embarrassing, so I don't worry about it. Not to mention, I have been in a serious relationship for more than two years, so it's been stagnant for awhile. But I do have friends whose numbers have reached heights they never expected, growing as they were having fun and being young and not really tallying up the exact number in the heat of the moment. My reaction to that has always been, don't sweat it. It's not a big deal unless you make it one.

The biggest amusement I have always found when people ask about numbers or talk about how many people so and so have slept with is the blatant double standard. I actually know guys who have unimaginable number tallys, who when asked, admitted that they wouldn't touch a girl if her number rivaled theirs. In fairness, though, if a guy I was talking to told me he had slept with 75+ women, I would go running the other way.

But it's not so much the guys reaction, it's the way girls react when they find out the numbers of other girls. "What a hoe" or "Wow, she's kind of a slut" is usually the reaction from even some of the most open-minded people who claim to be all about women's rights, then turn around and put a woman down for exercising her freedom. It's her choice to do it, as well as be honest about it, so just let her be. There may be more behind her reasons for sleeping around than she just likes hooking up.

Bottom line, as I told my friend and would tell any girl, it's just a number. What's more important is being safe, and if you are going to have multiple partners, go to great lengths to keep yourself disease-free. And if you start to worry about the reasons why your number has ballooned, take a step back and re-examine your reasons for having numerous partners. But you don't have to answer to anyone about what the number is or why, that's your business and your's alone.

Do you agree? Or do you always go with honesty when asked?

UPDATE: This is not your grandmother's church

Check out updated material from a local holy man at the end of the post.

Church is definitely the last place I would expect to have a discussion about sex, cheating and pornography addictions, but apparently it's a growing trend for pastors to preach about their parishioners' sex lives.

In Oregon, a pastor and his wife have taken on the topic, which many still consider taboo for church, ABC News reports. Another church in New Jersey has the Web site mysexlifestinks.com, which states: "God wants you to have GREAT SEX." Their take is that within the confines of marriage, sex is allowed, and it's supposed to be fun at that. The fact that sex is supposed to be fun isn't a radical idea, but talking about it in church, well, that is.

I haven't ever been to a church that talked about sex, but I imagine that if I was there and the sermon started discussing better ways to please yourself and your partner, I would be a bit disturbed. Traditionally, church is a place that is holy and proper, and it is not a place to talk about what goes on in the bedroom (besides your nighttime prayers to God). Advocates of sex talk in church say sex is natural -- God created it! -- and we shouldn't be so uptight about discussing it.

Maybe I'm a bit conservative (OK, call me uptight), but I'd like to leave sex talk out of church. Honestly, I don't want to think about my parents doing it, and I especially don't want to think about our holy men doing it. When I go to church (granted, it's not very often), I'm there to worship God and ask for forgiveness for my sins, not learn how to have the greatest sex I'll ever have. If I got that in church, what would I even need Cosmo for?

Seriously, though. I could see having small groups that discussed love and sex. There are small groups for everyone else -- alcoholics, overeaters, singles -- so having a small group about sex seems plausible. That way people who don't want to hear it, don't have to go. Just keep it out of my Sunday sermon.

I wanted to reach some local pastors to see what they thought about the topic. Apparently many of them are hard to reach during the week — at least that's been my experience so far today. But Father Dan Edwards of St. Francis (Episcopal) Church in Macon took a minute to share his thoughts with me.

"I don't think that the Church knows anything about (sex) that they couldn't find from a sex therapist," he said. "What the church can offer, that a sex therapist wouldn't be able to offer, is to increase someone's moral and spiritual dimension."

He said that he has addressed issues regarding sexuality with his congregation, but nothing like offering sex advice. His church has conversations about homosexuality and offers help for people in unhealthy or cheating relationships, he said.

As for the New Jersey church's Web site, mysexlifestinks.com, Edwards said: "We've never done that. I don't know that I would. I'm not shocked by that or opposed to it. I'm just not sure the church has any particular expertise in that."

Amen.

What do you think about pastors discussing sex in church? What about in sermons or small groups? Would it make you go to church more?

The "Falling in Love" 15

Any future college student is warned that late-night pizzas and the never-ending flow of beer can very well result in an added 15 pounds. And of course, there are those stressful situations in life — moving, marriage, divorce, death, and new job — which can also result in tighter-than-usual jeans.

But the sneakiest weight-gain culprit of all, that no one really warns you about, is what I like to call the "Falling in Love" 15. Those few extra pounds that slide on your body, unbeknownst to you because you are to busy enjoying a new relationship or falling into the comfort of a long-term partnership.

I know it happened to both my boyfriend and I, especially this summer as he prepared to move. I think there were a couple of weeks straight where we lived off of take-out and the leftovers. It makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it, but luckily, my BF and I have both remedied the problem — we haven't eaten out in awhile and both of us exercise daily.

It's very easy, though, to eat unhealthy when you are in a relationship. The first part of the courtship is all about going out to restaurants on dates, or watching movies together with the inherently unhealthy snacks. It can rotate into a vicious cycle unless you are careful. A lot of couples I know exercise together, so that can be one solution. But if you are someone who likes to work out alone, like I am, than the daily exercise can provide some good "me" time.

But what are some other solutions to avoiding the relationship weight gain trap? Or what have you found works best for you?

Sex and condoms in schools

A new ad on the CW network goes something like this: A guy rubs up on a girl in a club. She hands him the number for an AIDS hotline. Why? She has AIDS.

A co-worker told me about the ad this morning when we were discussing sex education in schools, or lack thereof. The ad is part of a campaign kicked off by Emory University this month about safe sex and abstinence for teens. The campaign is part of a national prevention study the university is conducting in Macon to see if intervention strategies impact teens' attitudes and behaviors toward sex. During the study, 400 Macon teens, ages 12-16, considered at high risk for contracting HIV or sexually transmitted diseases will learn safer sex practices, such as how to use condoms, and abstinence. Here's the whole story.

The study should be interesting, considering the lack of sex education in Bibb County schools. Forget about passing out condoms; county schools still probably teach that babies are delivered via stork. Some people believe that if you don't tell kids about it, they won't do it. I'm not so sure that works.

I went to middle school in North Carolina and high school in a metro-Atlanta county, and in both schools, I experienced sex education (the schools called it "family life," but it's really the same thing). I had to label parts of the male and female anatomies and read about different types of sexual diseases. We even watched the famed "Miracle of Life" video. Mostly we learned about abstinence education. We may have talked about condoms once in passing, but I know we never talked about other forms of birth control, like the pill or diaphram.

The education worked for me (there is no better way to prevent pregnancies than to show girls the "Miracle of Life" in all its glory), but I know it doesn't work for everyone. Schools should teach kids about condom use and methods of birth control. Believe it or not, I never had a class that actually demonstrated condom and birth control use until I took health my senior year in college. Schools shouldn't take for granted that everyone chooses abstinence because not everyone does. If you show someone how to use a condom, it doesn't mean they're going to start having sex. It does mean that if they do have sex, they'll know how to take the proper precautions. And with all those scary diseases out there now, who wants to take the risk on our children?

Should sex education be taught in public schools? Should we take it a step further and hand out condoms, or at least make them available somewhere for free? Is abstinence education the way to go? Or is no education at all?

The waiting game

It's pretty much common knowledge among all women that sleeping with a guy on the first date will probably not lead to much more — a bit unfair, since the guy is usually dying to get the woman in bed —— but that is just how it goes. Dinner, maybe a movie and straight into the bedroom is probably not going to lead to a lasting relationship.

But what exactly is the acceptable length of time for a woman (or a man, but the odds of the guy holding out are awfully slim) to wait before offering a guy (or girl) the green light? A week, a month?

One of my best friends had not one, but two serious relationships develop after sleeping together on the first night. It can happen, but it is definitely not the norm. Bottom line, guys like the chase more than they would probably like to admit. And girls like to have the power over the situation. Seeing just what he will offer —— nice dinners, flowers, sweet e-mails — to finally "seal the deal."

In college or the early 20s, most guys and girls don't have serious relationships on the mind. Going out to bars until early in the a.m. and waking up next to someone new becomes the widely-accepted pattern. Why have a relationship when partying with friends and "meeting" new people is more fun? I knew a lot of people, and I was one of them, that liked the idea of having a boyfriend or girlfriend but it seemed too restrictive at the height of finally attaining a level of freedom. The catch with that thinking, however, is that you're not going to have someone wait around for a month before finally sleeping with you, they can go out the next night and find exactly what you aren't giving them.

But that changes once going out every night loses its appeal, and the whole idea of being free has lost its edge. Suddenly, the thought of knowing you have a date on a Friday night or someone to stay in with on a Saturday becomes a lot more comforting. And the idea of getting to know someone before sleeping with them seems like the perfect way to go — especially with all of the diseases out there.

At that point, however, most people have had one or a few partners, so sleeping with someone doesn't seem like that big of step. Even if it should be.

In my experiences, I have found that it's best to give a relationship a month or more, especially if the relationship seems promising. The bond is that much more strong at the point, and by then, you realize that you aren't just sleeping together to sleep together, you are (as cheesy as this may sound) deepening your relationship.

But like I said, one of my friends had a pair of relationships stem from one-night stands, so it is very possible. Has that ever happened to you? Or do you find waiting to be the way to go?

Long distance love

When I went to my cousin's wedding this summer, I met a man who was in a successful relationship with a woman who lives in China. Unfortunately, the man lives in Virigina. USA. And I thought my two-hour drive north to my boyfriend was hard. Dating someone half a globe away seems unimaginable!

Yesterday Roxy talked about military wives straying from husbands overseas. It's true, when your significant other isn't around most of the time, you can feel like you're missing out. Just yesterday I wanted to celebrate one of my boyfriend's accomplishments with him, but the most I could do was offer a hearty "That's great! I'm so proud of you!" Sometimes I even feel jealous, like when he goes out with all his friends and then tells me about the great time he had — without me. I'm not going to pretend that dating someone two hours away is the same as dating someone in the Middle East, but I can share some tips I've found help keep a long distance relationship going — and keeping those cheating moments out of sight.

• Make sure to talk on the phone. This one sounds obvious, but some couples don't make sure that there's a moment in the day when both of them aren't busy. My boyfriend and I make sure to talk every night right before bed, even if it's just for a minute to say goodnight.

• Use online communication. E-mail personalized greeting cards, poke him on Facebook, or stream "your song" on MySpace to remind him that you're thinking about him.

• The postman is your friend. Bake cookies and mail them. Stay away from frosting because it could smear and make a mess. Send photos or something else you created yourself.

• Make time to see each other. Both of you have your own lives that you have to get a hold of, but you also need to see each other whenever you have a chance. If the distance is drivable, take turns. Same with flying. Those who don't make the time, won't end up being able to withstand the distance.

Anyone else in a long-distance relationship out there? What do you do? I surely could use some more tips.

Enjoying the freedom?

Last night, after President Bush's much-heralded visit to Macon and the mid-state, I met a few friends out for drinks and trivia. We won $30, and were enjoying the atmosphere when a couple behind us started cuddling and kissing — the truly disturbing part was that it was in Rivalry's bar. Not exactly the cleanliest place, but whatever. Back to the point of the story.

As it turns out, the young woman doing the extreme PDA had a husband, and it wasn't the guy she was canoodling with. As a joke, I asked the person who informed us about the situation if her husband was in the military. His eyes got big as he exclaimed yes, and then asked, "Why is it always like that? Or why do military wives always cheat on their husbands?" Turns out, he also hooked up with a married wife of a military member.

It reminded me of a truly awful story I had heard just two months before as I was flying home for a weekend. I sat next to a member of the Army, who was going home on leave. We started chatting about his unit, which had just done a tour of Iraq. I asked if they had lost anyone, and he said just one guy. The worst part, he said, is that the guy who died was in the middle of a divorce. As he was out fighting, his wife decided to move out and in with another guy —— informing her husband of this in a letter. He never got a chance to go home, and was going through the divorce proceedings while he was at war. The soldier I sat next to, who was also married, got angrier and angrier as we talked. "She'll have to live with it the rest of her life," he said.

The sad part is, it's more common than not for a married women to stray when her military husband is gone on duty — it's so widespread that it has become a cliche. And it is unfortunate for the wives or girlfriends who don't cheat because they get lumped into that overwhelmingly true stereotype. I, myself, am dating a member of the military, but I like to think of myself as different from the norm. Cheating has never once crossed my mind, even when he is deployed for two months at a time.

I understand that it can get hard. The first time my BF went overseas, I had no idea what to expect. How was this relationship going to work with a two-month absence in-between? Of course, I found out it really isn't that bad. When he is deployed, there is access to e-mail and phones — so much so, that it barely seems like there is any break in communication. Sure, he's not there physically, but the relationship never suffered.

And no, he didn't go to Iraq, where deployments range anywhere from seven months to more than a year. And maybe that would have changed things, but I don't think it would. We aren't married, but I wouldn't be so disrespectful that I would run around on him while he was in a controlled environment with limitations to the outside world. What he, or any soldier, doesn't need is added stress —— especially from someone they trust to be loyal.

It's an odd situation, really. Especially with a war going on, what do these wives expect? It's known now that almost anyone who wears a uniform is going to be deployed for a certain length of time. It is hard for the husband to leave, and almost impossible to prepare for, but I wouldn't think that a quick fix is a one-nighter with a random. If it seems that it is going to be unbearable, deal with it with your guy before he goes. It may ease the pain, and maybe dull the itch to see what else is out there.

The military recognizes the problem and high divorce rate, and has programs to fix the cracks that appear in marriages thanks to deployment, but what else can be done? Why is cheating so rampant among military wives?

No lovin' online

I'm not an online dater.

I've never joined an online dating service, organized a date through MySpace or Facebook and certainly never met in person a stranger I have only spoken with via the Internet. Part of it's because I like playing it safe -- you never know what kind of creepy person you might actually be talking to. But the other part is that I believe it just doesn't work.

Sure, I know people who have tried it. One of my good friends met one of her ex-boyfriends online, and they had a long-distance relationship go on for quite some time. Of course, I did say that he is now her EX-boyfriend. And in high school, one of my teachers met her husband online. But then she ended up having an affair with a student, who she is still with today. I did hear about a student at UGA who met her current husband via Facebook. He lived in New York, and she moved up there and married him. I believe they're still together, but to me, that's just weird.

I don't believe you can't really get to know someone if you're communicating with them mainly through cyberspace. The Internet is very impersonal, and you can make yourself come off as a completely different person online than who you are in person. A shy person may come off a lot bolder online, or a sleaze bag may make himself sound like a prince. And maybe this is biased, but I have a hard time believeing that perfectly normal, nice guys get subscriptions to online dating sites, because if they were so nice, wouldn't they have a date in real-life?

What do you think? Do you know anyone who has met the love of his or her life online? Do online relationships work out or are they doomed for failure? Can you really get to know a person if you're talking to them online?

Friends with benefits?

The whole idea of "Friends with Benefits" is great in theory for some people, but eventually, someone ends up getting hurt.

And usually, it is the woman in the relationship.

I spent the weekend visiting a friend of mine (the one who unfortunately dated a guy named Randy), and she is involved in a relationship right now with a man who has made it abundantly clear that he is not interested in a committed relationship. He is available, however, for another type of relationship. And while she isn't quite happy with the set-up, she cares too much about him to walk away.

And in lies the entire problem with having your own "buddy."

Especially for women, it gets to be too hard to separate your emotional side, even though you know you should. If you care about the guy (or girl, because some guys get attached when they shouldn't as well), sometimes it seems better to have them any way you can, even if it is unhealthy for you. Because inevitably, in the back of your mind, the other person will eventually come around.

But that rarely happens. What usually ensues is an awkward, "I like you, but not in that way," talk, and even though it is known that nothing further is going to be pursued, neither will let go. At least not until one or both of the parties find someone worth dating — who actually wants to date them back.

From my own experiences, and situations I have watched my friends endure, it's a relationship that, when it is all played out, just isn't worth it. Or is it? Can some people completely detach themselves, and enjoy the relationship for what it is?

Cheaters never prosper

Would you rather cheat or be cheated on?

This question was posed to listeners on the radio this morning, and initially I found the answer a no-brainer. Of course, neither situation is ideal, nor would I want to be in either position, but when it came to choosing my emotional hurt over another's, I chose saving myself.

"Duh!" I thought. "Who would want to be the victim of a cheater, and go through all the emotional pain, when you could choose to be the cheater instead?"

According to the radio (I didn't catch the source they cited), the majority of women feel the same way. But after thinking further, I realized that was a selfish thought. I would never want to be cheated on, but that's something I can't control. Whether someone cheats on me has no bearing on my moral character and what kind of person I am. But if I'm the cheater, then I'm the bad guy. Then, I have no respect for the the feelings of others and will be known as "that b**** who cheated on her boyfriend." I also go back on everything I believe -- that if you're dating one person, you should only date that person and no one else.

So when it comes to choosing between being hurt or standing up for my moral beliefs. I choose standing up for my beliefs, and in the end, I would rather be cheated on than be the cheater.

What do you think? Would you rather be cheated on or be the cheater? Why?

What's in an age?

I always knew that I would probably date someone just a little older than me. I'm not saying I was going to pull an Anna Nicole Smith and marry a guy that was at least five decades older, but four or five years didn't seem like such a big deal to me. After all, when I was growing up, I spent more time with my two older siblings and their friends, so hanging around an older crowd just became more natural.

My boyfriend is six years older than me, and it has never really been a big deal, to either of us. Of course, I like to tease him that when he was in ninth grade, I was enjoying recess in third grade (I know, weird!), but beyond the occasional jokes, age doesn't matter to either of us.

In fact, it could be a much greater age differencial. But that's a line I probably wouldn't cross — six years, okay. Twenty-six years, not okay. My BF and I are similar in a lot of ways, and in some regards, we are at the same point in our lives. I just don't see that being true if I was in my mid-20's and he was in his late 40's.

At that point, outlooks on life and expectations would appear to be so different. Aside from marriage and children, goals and experiences would probably differ greatly. I watched My Fair Brady with more than a little skeptism — did the 22-year-old Adrienne Curry really think that 49-year-old Chris Knight was going to be able to give her the world, when he's probably developed a been-there, done-that attitude?

I understand you can't help who you fall in love with, but when reality takes over, what do people separated by 30 years really have in common? Or can it possibly last forever?

Taking sides

Inevitably, there comes a point in every relationship when you have to choose a side: left or right.

I'm not talking about ends of the political spectrum. I'm talking about sides of the bed. Who sleeps where is a very important question. It's like eating at the dinner table. You don't have an assigned seat, but you always sit in the same place. It's your spot, and if someone sits in your chair, you get a little upset and wonder why they just don't move.

The left side of the bed (if you're in it) is my side. I don't know what makes it so good. Perhaps it's the proximity to the door. Or maybe it's because it's near the fan (which I can't sleep without). But whatever it is, I just know that if I'm not on the left, I'm not sleeping, and if someone takes my spot, well, they're gonna have to move.

I know several women who have woken up their boyfriends for falling asleep on "their" side of the bed. Fights have been caused over this. However, I have never heard of a guy claiming "his" side of the bed. Perhaps they just don't care?

Do you care what side of the bed you sleep on at night? What do you do if someone tries to take your side of the bed? And what about those people that sleep in the middle: can you even share at all?

Rush, rush

True story. One of my best guys friend's from college called me one night and asked me to meet him and his new girlfriend at the bar. She was wonderful, he said, and he was completely head over heels about her.

To my surprise, I apparently didn't quite understand the depths of his emotions when I showed up and watched to two of them together. They were constantly giggling and smiling at each other, holding hands all night and whispering "I love you's" all evening.

Their relationship was five days old at that point. FIVE DAYS.

While I asked him to please be careful and maybe slow down just a little, it turns out he knew what he was doing. They were engaged a year later and married not long after that. And they are truly wonderful together.

But it always amazes me when I hear stories like that. People who are together for less than three months and already planning a wedding, or others who move in together after four months and then get married not long after that.

I always thought I was the type that would love a relationship like that — one so filled with immediate passion and understanding that while logic would be saying slow down, I'd jump right in.

And yet, whenever I hear a story like any of the above, I get completely freaked out. In fact, I like taking my time in a relationship because from what I have found through my own experiences is that it takes awhile to truly know someone. To find out their quirks and see if you love them anyway, to go through those rough times that seem so rocky it would be easiest to end the relationship than work through it. It's important, I think, to experience the ups and downs before taking a leap so great as marriage.

This also may be attributed to my indifference to marriage. While one day I would like to be married, I am in no way in a rush to get there — a thought that completely eases my like-minded boyfriend.

But it's funny the stories that work out. Those people who have been together for a month and planning a wedding or people who waited five years before deciding forever was a commitment they wanted to make to each other.

What do you think of these stories, or do you have one of your own? And what type of person are you? Would you leap without knowing the information, or would you study every aspect before making the jump?

Everything you need to know about men in 184 pages

Sometimes I wish men came with instructions -- how to turn them on, how to turn them off, how to keep them clean.

A new book touting itself as "the complete user's guide for women" claims to do just that. In "Men, Love & Sex," author David Zinczenko, shares everything he's learned about men as editor-in-chief of Men's Health magazine.

Over the weekend, I had the pleasure of spending two hours in Barnes & Noble waiting for two new tires to be put on my car. I stumbled across the book on the new releases table, and after initially writing it off, I picked it up thinking it would be a good topic for the blog.

The book bases its claims about men on a poll with 5,000 male respondents, seemingly giving women insight into the male mind. It tells women when and if they should say the L-word, hot nothings to whisper your man's ear and explains why men put more effort into their work life than their home life.

To be honest, I only read a solid 22 pages before I got bored. From there, I skipped and skimmed through chapters until I had enough. The book reads like an article out of Cosmopolitan (whose editors, by the way, endorsed the book) and includes examples of real life men. But my main problem was that I really don't care what Jason, a 32-year-old physician's assistant thinks. I care what my man thinks. And he's not in the book. Every man is different and to generalize, well, it seems pretty much pointless.

I don't think any amount of reading up on men (or women) will help you understand the opposite sex. If you actually get to know the person you're interested in, and listen when he or she talks, then you should be fine. Sure, men's minds can be confusing, but I know women's aren't as clear as a crystal ball either. And while I may wish men came with instructions, sometimes figuring out the mystery on my own is part of the fun.

How helpful have you found dating/love books? Do you actually learn anything about the opposite sex? Do you apply what you read to your actual love life?